Grief, Self improvement, Discovery, Loss, Growth
Also, I was really looking forward to making Christmas dinner for a very special friend. I took off work 2 days abd had been planning and preparing for 3 weeks.
My oven burnt the daylights out of cookies I put in for 5 mins at 200 degrees, so Christmas dinner is a no go. I put the turkey in the freezer abd it’s getting prepared on the third.
It’s hard to be strong right now.
I feel done here. Deflated. Defeated.
I don't have ties. People I've known for years have let me down, ghosted (Sebastian)...... He made plans to meet me and I never heard from him again. I've known him 6 years. I always had his back. People are flaky. I have few actual friends. My heart is going to be living in California and wants me to live with him.
The company I work for offered me a company car. I didn't get it yet. The owners son got into an accident so he is driving it. The company van I was driving was rear ended on the freeway. I wasn't hurt. I was very concerned about the driver's of the other car.
Turns my company customize the policy to not offer any roadside assistance. The insurance company they use does not have dispatch open on the weekends. They wanted me to pay for the tow and pay for the Uber. I'm really fed up with this company, I'm working from home and looking for a new job. I was assigned for projects last week as project manager, but they're not paying for training of course, I am. I'm taking a Google project management certificate, and then they assigned me four projects. To make it really fun, the sole resource engineer I have showed up drunk to work again. He's very unreliable and doesn't get much done. I like a challenge but this is ridiculous. Not only that but I can't finish the big project that I've been working on for this whole time and I was supposed to have a huge planned opening and presentation and it's not happening now. I almost completely built this ticketing system and rmm system, it was a huge deal. And now I can't finish it cuz I have to do this other stuff that is so late. Not only are my first big projects going to fail because they're already late, I can't rely on the people that are working for me.
I really need to get back to the habit of turning around the negative into the positive and pumping myself up. I just feel defeated because I'm stuck at home once again, I have no car once again. I found a new car before the president offered me a company car and so I didn't get it. It was sweet, 37000 miles.
Part of me thinks that getting a car is is a bad idea because it ties me to Hawaii, and Nick is in California. Nick would like me to come stay with him, and possibly live with him. He's amazingly sweet, he has a huge heart, I miss him like crazy.
There has been so much loss in Hawaii, so much heartbreak. I just feel done.
On friday, I had a dream that Matt and I were friends. I woke up and saw a text from him. I couldn't move for an hour, emotionally paralyzed. I felt sick all day, and it was like the pain of losing my mom all over again, due to the timing that he did that. I have achieved anger at him, because I have. I'm still broken due to the recklessness with my feelings.
Funny thing about Alex, I was right about him and wrong about him. When we were together and he was in New york, I pushed him away because I thought it would hurt me again. I always thought he wasn't relationship material. Turns out that was right. He is a really good friend though, I don't know if I can do it. I've gotten really good at cutting out people lately, hopefully it doesn't cut down too much. I've blocked three people in the last week said known for years. I used to be that I would never cut anyone out, I'm changing a lot, not all of it is good. A lot is good though. At work I've been described as a force, as overbearing, and as aggressive. I've never been described this way, it's almost funny. Work has made me into someone that I'm not really because it is ridiculous the way that is been run, they're running it into the ground. Allowing engineers to show up drunk for a year, allowing people to sleep on the job, fucking over people that are highly productive. No wonder why they're losing $250,000 a year on the IT department. I updated my resume and sent it out, I need to get more aggressive with that. I might just try to California I'm not sure yet.
I got lied to, I got played.
By my COMPANY, when I least expected it.
The first time I ever asked for a raise
My mom taught me to work hard to earn,
And I worjed my ass off.
AND I made a huge difference already.
It was scary but I asked for a raise, having two conversations, with confidence abd positivity
They seemed to go so well,
I felt valued, which made me shine abd more determined.
The CEO agreed to give me a car abd a raise.
I was blindsided when he not only offered less than my job offer, as he said he forgot that my current salary was a reduced probationary salary,
But he got offe def when I asked for a raise again.
He put me on the defensive, had me apologizing for saying I deserved it because I made a huge impact.
This was clear manipulation, when I go over the replay in my head.
Here are my take aways.
I am not cut out to be manager.
In order to turn things around, I must elevate my team before they will elevate their work.
No one sustains forced productivity.
Inspired productivity is infectious.
If I can't advocate for myself, I can't effectively advocate for my team.
They need a strong leader who not only has their back, as I do,
But plays the silly manipulation games that I don't know how to.
That I don't respect.
And I don't want to engage in.
How can a leader, a human,
Be both honest, authentic, abd demonstrate integrity,
And make promises they don't deliver, and break their word?
(They can't)
Undervalued, overworked
I feel like a used server he got at a clearance rate
Not only that, but in my one-on-ones with my team, they asked me to fight for them
For training, for fair pay
I don't stand a chance here,
He made a liar out of me and I can't lead that way.
I am genuine, honest, straight-forward, and non-manipulative
Although the world has crushed me fir this,
I actually admire this of myself
I don't respect manipulation and hands abd don't wish to engage in them
The older I get, the more like high school life becomes.
I was bullied on Friday, steamrolled by my leader.
What did he hope would come of that?
How so very silly that I got my heart broken by another company.
Being “dominant” is a limited resource for me. I am very good at my job. So much so, that on my 90 day review I was promoted to manager. St first, I was like no! I don’t want to give up tech to do boring stuff. But I still get to do tech work, engineering, projects; but they want me to turn the ship around, lead the team.
Admittedly I’ve done so much research during the Thanksgiving break. I basically have studied leadership fir 7/10 of the wake time since Wednesday afternoon 😅.
Leadership is a skill I don’t consciously have. I am great at inspiring others but never by intention. Now I have to turn around negative perspectives and a bare minimum viewpoint into something inspiring.
Today is one of those days I am thinking about Matt again. I think about him every day in some way or another. I have grown so much because of both what he has taught me, and the entire experience.
In this way, I cannot label it good or bad. I know if it didn't happen, I would have been happier and it would have been easier.
At the same time, complacency and happiness does not inspire growth; adversity does.
I am proud of myself for choosing the path of growth instead of letting it break me. I have grown more in the last year than my whole life in total, in many ways. This is a testament to my strength and resiliency.
So today when I r remember him, there's no sadness or unpleasantness, only gratitude and kind thoughts.
Power of positive thinking
My car is dead.
I used to focus on the negative more,
I'm grateful I am grateful,
It's positive that I can see the positive in things.
My transportation is gone.
So I can wake up later because there's no driving to work,
I have time to get the oven, washer, and other things fixed,
I have time to clean,
No traffic,
Can work out at home, no travel time,
Can work on improving written communication at work,
Less reliance on my charisma abd magnetism with in person charm.
I get to work from home.
Not going to think:
My dad called yesterday to say he wanted to get it repaired or buy me a new car,
Talked to my 'sister' abd changed his mind,
I have inclinations on that. 🤔
That I can't go out and explore nature without a car.
Working from home uses more electricity.
The house I am living in has a severe electrical problem. The first months electricity was $400!!!
That if I didn't leave Colorado, I'd still have my beautiful, RELIABLE Subaru Outback touring, That cost me 3000 to sell.
My sister had turned on me, after I shipped all my stuff, resigned my job, abd bought tickets.
That I had no trust in the car. But the law of attraction.... What if my thoughts on how much I didn't trust the car caused it to break. 😅🤣
That all the heartbreak, hurt and trust, has led me to how amazing I've become, abd led me to wonderful things like meeting Nick. Possibly being friends with Sebastian? 🤣 Beautiful souls like Toni, Steve, Keri. Thus job where I can make a huge difference. Back home where I can enjoy the beach, when I can get there.
Etc.
On overthinking:
Has had profound benefits of self reflection, progress, inspiration, and healing.
Side effects of occasional sleep loss and stress,
Today, luckily, sleep loss isn't an issue- due to working from home.
Must work on this for when I have to get uo at 4:30 am
On trust:
Hmm this one is still being worked on. I was focused on getting hurt. A very wonderful friend reminded me their is more than one form of trust. He said that he trusts people who look out for themselves.
😅 I asked him if that meant he didn't trust me, because I haven't quite gotten there yet.
He called me in a panic, apologizing, saying he didn't want to lose our friendship.
I did mean it entirely in a reflection, self improvement way,
So cute though, so sweet. I forgot why I liked him so much.
One of my favorite memories of Colorado was meeting Zach and the awesome adventures.
I believe the panic that ensues from fear if this one aspect if trust where I'm shaky on is unhealthy,
I gave trusted too easily before and have been advised to not do that,
So it feels like going from 100 to a 2-10 depending on the day.
But these are my own perspective, that keeps evolving.
I wonder what is a healthy level of trust? Because either way I've gotten hurt or possibly hurt others. This year has changed a lot. Quest continues...
I’ve never felt anger like this before. It’s a workday and I’ve been angry cleaning the house and there is no sleep in sight.
It’s everything all in one. My “sister”, SAMANTHAA DICK, her verbal abuse, (name-calling, belittling, judging, silent treatment, spreading gossip and shit talk) for 22 years; my ex bitch roommate, BARB MATTINGLEY-GAUL, who bullied me, threatened violence, when I told her my mom was dying, she said get the fuck over it and grow up… And now she’s extorting me for money, about $200, to send my mom’s locket back that I accidentally left there. If I wasn’t a victim of an abusive narcissist for 8 years, MARK TEACHER, who verbally, emotionally, physically, and psychologically abused/tortured me for 8 years, I could have kicked her ass wgensge drug me out of bed, came after me, and threatened me. Instead I froze.
I’m angry at America. My bank account got hacked and drained, 2 weeks after I thought it had gotten hacked (first time was a false alarm), and I called the bank and asked what kinds of security protection can I add to my checking? They said nothing, other than freezing my debit card. It’s their job to know how vulnerable Banks current state of security is for bank accounts. right now, a hacker, can just have your routing number and checking account number, and can drain your bank. Debit cards are not protected either. Banks need to at least upgrade to a 6 to 8 digit pin for debits, disallow credit override, and offer some kind of multi factor authentication for large transactions at the very least. Approval, monitoring, multi factor authentication…. Something. Right now, their system for security purposes, is set up for the 1950’s. The ironic part is, if I hacker or criminal steals your credit card number, they automatically refunded immediately, while investigating. However with your real money, in your bank account, which you are required to have for life in America, they do not do that. They put your case in investigation, which can take months if ever to get your money back. Meanwhile, if someone doesn’t have the extra money, they might get affected, not eat, anything bad when you don’t have money. This is one of the things I dislike about America. another thing is that we have the worst healthcare system quality of all first world countries, and the most expensive. All politicians and the government sucks; Biden sucks, Trump sucked, Ige sucks. The way we handled the coronavirus, has gotten so bad, predictably, that we are screwed. (Looking at you extremists/Qanon, Trump, and Biden.
I got coronavirus, from my sister or her boyfriend, a week after I moved here. Hawaii has no protections, for people who are forced to be out of work, due to mandatory quarantine. our tax rate is the highest, but the care for the people is low. I had unpaid bereavement after that, unpaid holidays. Lost so much money in the first month, due to income. lakeside auto, in Colorado Springs, decided to take back their written offer, and lesson for offer for my car on my last day by two grand. I had to lose $2000 more because they knew I didn’t have a choice.
And the hack… While hackers are criminals, they are everywhere. It is the banks job, to step up, and put protection on our bank accounts. We all have to have them to live in America.
I am furious at my ex-husband, David Taggart, and his ex-wife, Sarah Kraemer. My beautiful stepdaughters, who loved me as much as I loved them, might grow up to be so damaged, due to their negligence. I raise those kids by myself for about four years. their dad stayed on the computer, for 16 hours a day, ignoring them. he invited his ex-wife, their biological mother, to live with us. she stayed on her phone the entire time, and I still did every single thing for those children. she has bad energy, bad motives, which I can feel, because of my Empath curse.
I finally decided to move out, because he would not make her leave. in the process of this, I got raped, by a predator, because I was looking for a room.
They both had promised, that I could stay in touch with my girls. yet, when I moved out, he never let me talk to them again. I came across some voicemails, from my daughter Emilyn, saying mommy, I love you, I miss you, where are you. three of them I had not seen in my mailbox.
I didn’t get closure, but more importantly they didn’t get closure. Sarah‘s second ex-husband, who was their stepfather, refused to acknowledge their presence when he and Sara we’re getting divorced. my baby, would say on FaceTime, daddy Dylan why are you want to talk to me, why don’t you love me anymore. Dillon Kraemer, that asshole, would completely ignore her presence. Not long after that, a few months to six months, I moved out, with the intent to come back when Sarah left. However he chose to have Sara stay, and never let me see the girls again. I was severely damage from childhood due to abandonment issues, and they are terrible parents, to doing these this things to my girls. I wrote a letter, asking if I could send them a letter or a recording giving them closure, and they did not allow it.
I was very fragile, the first time I came to Hawaii to say goodbye to my dying mother. I befriended someone I thought was very kind. We talked all the time, every day, he had me trust him, and I believed him. we grew, what I thought was very close, and he acted like a very close friend. (Whom I fell in love with and told him every step of the way exactly the trauma I had, fear of abandonment, how I felt, and we sexted a lot.. He promised he would be there for me, he promised he wouldn’t abandon me, up until the day I was on the flight to Hawaii. He picked me up from the airport, we had sex, and then he ghosted me. He did meet up with me, said he needed space from everyone, said he would be back, and joked it might be two hours. This was the day after I moved back, my sister was still being verbally abusive, and I had no one else, and my mom had less than a month to live. I am still in love with him, and it is interfering with the grief of my mom. he ghosted me in a way that I told him would hurt me the most, because that was the way that my ex-husband chose to torture me. By never responding, completely ignoring. he remains doing that, and I am unable to Move on, because I am so confused. I cannot trust my own intuition, because I did not see this coming. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get past this, my mind keeps returning to it. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out why, my logical brain keeps telling me that he broke every single promise he made, that he does not care, and you need to forget about him. However my heart, will not listen. this makes me very angry at myself. Somehow, this person had broken my ability to trust anyone. I still can’t. now I want to just isolate myself from everyone, it’s breaking my heart.
Well I think that this blog, help me sort my feelings out, so I feel better now. I know that I’m gonna still keep wondering what went wrong, why he lied, why he did this, what did I do to deserve this. On the day my mom died, I was completely alone. I was unable to get out of bed, crying, due to him walking away and abandoning the friendship. I lost that week with my mom, and then two weeks with her from coronavirus. I am glad she’s not suffering anymore, but how could someone be so cruel? I had nothing but compassion for him, which now that I’m calmer, I still have even more. Because he was very broken by the past, he caused me to be broken like him, so I know even more how he feels. This is the irony of being an empath.
In summary, fuck America, fuck ghosts, fuck cowards, fuck liars, fuck abusers. I feel like I might be on the edge of a nervous break down. I broke down crying the other day, and this morning, because mostly my sister my roommate my finances. and I got angry for the first time I can remember, tonight and it is 1 AM and I wake up at 4:30.
Inspiration