Progress – Inspiration

Happiness, Love & His Little Agent of Chaos

I suppose when someone is extremely happy, there’s not a ton to write about.

Well, I know my boyfriend doesn’t believe in anything spiritual, or “woo”, but I might. The law of attraction…. I think my turning point was to study and open my mind to the teachings of Sadghuru. To start to think positive and be happy.

I left the bad job, found a really great job. Remote work, schedule flexibility, a very senior title, great coworkers.

I actually gave the guy who I had met in late 2020, the day after I met Nick, a shot. Turns out to be the best decision I may ever have made.

James is perfect for me. He brings stability to my chaos, security to my insecurity/anxious attachment, his neat-freak balances my disorganization , he provides reassurance, deep love, and so much cuddles. My “love bucket” of physical touch is flowing over, and it makes such a huge difference in my happiness and well being.

Our relationship is the perfect example of yin and yang. He is yin: stability, routine, unchanging, constant. I am yang: dynamic, changing, excitement, fun, adaptation, growth; and if you ask him, big chaos evergy. He calls me “his little agent of chaos.”

For Valentine’s day, James got me the PERFECT rose and card. The card says “I’m going to cuddle you so hard.” 😍 I want to frame it.

He went all out. Blew me away. He said he wasn’t good at gifts like I was, and he wanted to plan an experience.

Ge booked couples massage package at a Korean spa, it was luxurious. They shut down the men’s entire sude so I could be in there with him. Came out feeling amazing. Then he took me to breakfast at the fancy pancake place. In the afternoon, he took me to an escape room at ala Moana. It was surprisingly challenging and fun! There were us, one other adult, and a flock of kids. They turned out to be really smart. 😍 It was a great day.

Apparently March 15 is steak and blowjob day. I thought every day was blowjob day. 😅 Good to know lol. He said it was the man’s repayment for Valentine’s day.

It was so touching, no one has ever done anything so thoughtful.

We have been together approximately 6ish months, although if you ask him, it was from our first date 😊 (which is soooo cute).

He’s a great influence. Super straight edge. Brilliant. Responsible. Punctual. Reliable. Stable. Never drunks, never smoked weed or done any partying.

He is extremely athletic, and we joined the gym together. He is very inspiring! Today he ran for 70 minutes non stop at 6.5-8 mph, and I did stairmaster for most of that.

I was able to enter a beautiful state of moving meditation during the stair climbing, while listening to Alan watts guided meditation. My breath became so full, deep, and slow; my lungs felt so crisp. My mind was clear. It was amazing. I have really struggled with meditation…. My mind is usually too busy. This was a rare exception where it came in effortlessly.

Happy New Years and Hope You Had a Wonderful Christmas

As we are about to ring in 2022, I assess how far I've come and how I've changed.

Beautiful Christmas dinner with my friend Alex. He really has turned out to be a wonderful friend. My house got broken into, he's trying to help me secure it. I ended up cooking all day yesterday, and he came and finished up the rest.

We watched a new Matrix, he thought it'd be funny because it's terrible. I just like that spending time with him, but I miss cuddles.

Matt emailed me, the one who shattered my world earlier this year. He said "Merry Christmas sandy, the word I was thinking of was fiduciary." I was like, "say what?" I didn't think he got to me, because at the time I didn't react much. But I woke up thinking about him, I don't know when that will ever stop.

The resolution that I made on January 1st, to work out, I kept. I work out almost every day, I've lost a ton of weight, I'm a size medium now. I was a size 22 before I started. I look pretty damn amazing, and I'm proud of it.

My boyfriend nick, who moved to California, wants me to come live with him. No paying rent or bills, it's very tempting. Especially after the break-in, but moving from into Hawaii is expensive. I would have to leave my stuff here, and with the break-in, it's scary. My house was robbed, my bag was stolen and some electronics. It was so easy, they just took out the jealousies and came in. Alex is trying to help me reinforce the windows. I'm getting an alarm system put in and security cameras. It's actually quite terrifying, to know someone can come in so easily. I was raped last year, and it is scary.

I know it's not thanksgiving, but I am thankful for Alex and Nick. They are almost the only two people I trust in the world. Which brings me to that goal, don't trust so easily, right? Turns out I trust almost no one, which is the other side of unhealthy. But it's just the way the year has gone. My friend Zach from Colorado, told me there's a lot of types of trust. I trust people at work with my stuff, they don't steal. But I wouldn't trust him with the secret. The one I trusted at work, turned out to be a very bad friend, and I'm very bad coworker. He drinks at work, think it's okay, and he's my resource for projects that I manage. I reported to HR and the president, they don't care. They have let this go on for 8 months, him drinking and them sweeping it under the rug. He's unreliable, he doesn't show up half the time, you never know when he's going to just not show up. And they expect me to manage projects with him as my resource.

I'm seriously loyal, and I take too long to leave a situation. I have updated my resume, but I've not sent it out as much as I would if didn't have the job. I loved it so much, and it changed so quickly.

I hope to be going to California in february, at least for a little while. Take a vacation, see Nick, get cuddles.

Reassessing my progress

Being “dominant” is a limited resource for me. I am very good at my job. So much so, that on my 90 day review I was promoted to manager. St first, I was like no! I don’t want to give up tech to do boring stuff. But I still get to do tech work, engineering, projects; but they want me to turn the ship around, lead the team.

Admittedly I’ve done so much research during the Thanksgiving break. I basically have studied leadership fir 7/10 of the wake time since Wednesday afternoon 😅.

Leadership is a skill I don’t consciously have. I am great at inspiring others but never by intention. Now I have to turn around negative perspectives and a bare minimum viewpoint into something inspiring.

Love, dating, being demisexual, yolo

I fell really hard for my sexy, sweet poly boyfriend. He moved last week for the military and I got to spend the last 2 weeks with him. His husband came back to Hawaii for legal paperwork, and I spent all weekend with them, and he held me the whole time. His husband is awesome, we went out with his husband's family and them to lunch and a movie on the last day I saw him, and he held me the whole time.

It was the most beautiful experience.

I've never met anyone like him. I learned all about polyamory, a little about kink and BDSM, and gender fluidity, understanding, and tolerance. I miss him so much, but he doesn't want me to be alone. So I'm dating. I got a corset (it's something he wants me to try as his submissive) and got so beautiful yesterday. I figured I shouldn't just stay in, so I went in tinder, and now I have 15 people to go out with in the next few weeks. It's a lot for someone with social anxiety, technically an extrovert, but probably the most introverted of extroverts.

I'd give it all up in a second to spend time with him. I didn't think I could feel this way again after Matt hurt me. I am so in love with my boyfriend though. 😍 He wants me to be happy, truly. This is what I've learned about polyamory, and it makes me think that monogamy is the unnatural thing.

I am bisexual, possibly pansexual, definitely demisexual, poly curious. I've never had a girlfriend, and when I care about someone it's with all I have. I think my boyfriend is perfect. All his unique qualities, all his imperfections, abd perfectly perfect to me. 😍 I really wish I could be with him, but now I have a chance to meet other people and make new connections until I see him again.

I don't know what the future holds but I want him in it. It makes me question leaving the country, but that's very important to me. I know with my current salary, I don't think I could save to move to a new country. I am receiving some of my mom's life insurance boolicy, technically with that 10k, I could leave the country right now, instead of getting a new car. I'd have enough starting money to begin a new life in a new country. But my heart is here, my heart is with him.

Missing old friends

Today is one of those days I am thinking about Matt again. I think about him every day in some way or another. I have grown so much because of both what he has taught me, and the entire experience.

In this way, I cannot label it good or bad. I know if it didn't happen, I would have been happier and it would have been easier.

At the same time, complacency and happiness does not inspire growth; adversity does.

I am proud of myself for choosing the path of growth instead of letting it break me. I have grown more in the last year than my whole life in total, in many ways. This is a testament to my strength and resiliency.

So today when I r remember him, there's no sadness or unpleasantness, only gratitude and kind thoughts.

Gratitude

The president of my company found out my car died, and he offered me to use the company van and pay for repairs. Very grateful for things that happen. Trying to let go of the sadness, being grateful and laughing at everything (gebuinely funny things and adversity), really helps.

Reflections

Sometimes it takes sitting with yourself all day long, being silent, leaving on DND all day long, to find grounding and centering. I did that yesterday, while working hard to clean up my mom's house.

I like to out on some binaural beats mix of mellow music to help my mood, and breathe consciously while in this state. (The breathing slowly is something I do while running, slow, deep breaths.) I worked out a lot, and made a lot of progress of my mom's house. Sometimes I listen to poetry, there's this artist on Spotify, https://open.spotify.com/playlist/33CmWYkQtVZIjvO2fsKJz9?si=wEL_6bxHQ_GQIts_7pDQrA. Or I listen to sync mind, binaural beats music, with Sandhguru, he's very very wise. https://open.spotify.com/show/4d5AAqgYKDefgN6rTlfHaT?si=ZzzmDTFuR9CWfEPHozV3yQ

Tried once again to consciously break ties with loved ones I have lost, people I care about that I need to move on from. I visualized a cord being cut abd swept it away. But the connection is still there. Might need to sharpen my scissors. It's so hard for me to lose people I love. And yet nothing in life is permanent so I must learn this.

I was going to see someone I care about today, but they needed time to themselves, and this is important too. So I guess I'm just gonna chill today, might go to the gym. Would love to go to the North shore, but I'm using my company's van, and I'm not going to take advantage of their trust.

Have a peaceful day. Love, light, and happiness to everyone.

Power of Positivity, Gratitude, overthinking

Power of positive thinking

My car is dead.
I used to focus on the negative more,
I'm grateful I am grateful,
It's positive that I can see the positive in things.

My transportation is gone.

So I can wake up later because there's no driving to work,
I have time to get the oven, washer, and other things fixed,
I have time to clean,
No traffic,
Can work out at home, no travel time,
Can work on improving written communication at work,
Less reliance on my charisma abd magnetism with in person charm.
I get to work from home.

Not going to think:
My dad called yesterday to say he wanted to get it repaired or buy me a new car,
Talked to my 'sister' abd changed his mind,
I have inclinations on that. 🤔

That I can't go out and explore nature without a car.

Working from home uses more electricity.
The house I am living in has a severe electrical problem. The first months electricity was $400!!!

That if I didn't leave Colorado, I'd still have my beautiful, RELIABLE Subaru Outback touring, That cost me 3000 to sell.

My sister had turned on me, after I shipped all my stuff, resigned my job, abd bought tickets.

That I had no trust in the car. But the law of attraction.... What if my thoughts on how much I didn't trust the car caused it to break. 😅🤣

That all the heartbreak, hurt and trust, has led me to how amazing I've become, abd led me to wonderful things like meeting Nick. Possibly being friends with Sebastian? 🤣 Beautiful souls like Toni, Steve, Keri. Thus job where I can make a huge difference. Back home where I can enjoy the beach, when I can get there.

Etc.

On overthinking:

Has had profound benefits of self reflection, progress, inspiration, and healing.

Side effects of occasional sleep loss and stress,

Today, luckily, sleep loss isn't an issue- due to working from home.

Must work on this for when I have to get uo at 4:30 am

On trust:

Hmm this one is still being worked on. I was focused on getting hurt. A very wonderful friend reminded me their is more than one form of trust. He said that he trusts people who look out for themselves.
😅 I asked him if that meant he didn't trust me, because I haven't quite gotten there yet.

He called me in a panic, apologizing, saying he didn't want to lose our friendship.
I did mean it entirely in a reflection, self improvement way,
So cute though, so sweet. I forgot why I liked him so much.
One of my favorite memories of Colorado was meeting Zach and the awesome adventures.

I believe the panic that ensues from fear if this one aspect if trust where I'm shaky on is unhealthy,

I gave trusted too easily before and have been advised to not do that,
So it feels like going from 100 to a 2-10 depending on the day.

But these are my own perspective, that keeps evolving.

I wonder what is a healthy level of trust? Because either way I've gotten hurt or possibly hurt others. This year has changed a lot. Quest continues...

10.24.21

Hurt I was,
Scarred, scared, but determined I am,
Strong and a powerful force for good I will be. 

I believe I have the power to make change in the world
I already make profound changes in people's lives, and isn't that wonderful?
I owe it to the world to be my best. 
I owe it to myself. 
Laughing helps.

I feel unsure and stuck, forgetting how far I've come. 

Until I see how very much I've changed, how much progress I've made. 

Good night

On time:
How can one be present in the moment when time is relative, made up by humans, and is based on the cyclical rotation if the sun?

If they mean not to overthink, then I have failed 😅

On the topic of LOVE

What does love mean to me? It doesn't seem to match society, it others I know. My version of Love varies widely.

I love almost everyone, in various degrees and different ways. If we haven't met my love for you is wishes of only the best, happiness, success, and health. If we have connected, you will always be in my heart.

Those are the more mild versions of ways in which I love. Then there are those who I love very deeply, my friends, certainly, deep connections I've had along the way, and romantic love, Never forgotten and always in my heart. I don't know how to stop loving someone.

To love me, means forgiveness of any mistakes, as I am determined to become better and be better for the world. I am very sorry for anyone I've hurt. If I am made aware of it, I will do better. The past does not define me, because I've changed so much this year alone, it's astonishing.

Love to me means to not be ghosted, or blocked. To accept me as I am and what I'll become. To value our connection and to not throw it away. Be sure I won't throw it away.

To not be judged, and to be gifted patience, as if you tell me something is bothering you, I will do better. I realize this is not love to most, but this is love to me. And on that note, I love you. 😁🤣😍