Persoective changes – Inspiration

Happiness, Love & His Little Agent of Chaos

I suppose when someone is extremely happy, there’s not a ton to write about.

Well, I know my boyfriend doesn’t believe in anything spiritual, or “woo”, but I might. The law of attraction…. I think my turning point was to study and open my mind to the teachings of Sadghuru. To start to think positive and be happy.

I left the bad job, found a really great job. Remote work, schedule flexibility, a very senior title, great coworkers.

I actually gave the guy who I had met in late 2020, the day after I met Nick, a shot. Turns out to be the best decision I may ever have made.

James is perfect for me. He brings stability to my chaos, security to my insecurity/anxious attachment, his neat-freak balances my disorganization , he provides reassurance, deep love, and so much cuddles. My “love bucket” of physical touch is flowing over, and it makes such a huge difference in my happiness and well being.

Our relationship is the perfect example of yin and yang. He is yin: stability, routine, unchanging, constant. I am yang: dynamic, changing, excitement, fun, adaptation, growth; and if you ask him, big chaos evergy. He calls me “his little agent of chaos.”

For Valentine’s day, James got me the PERFECT rose and card. The card says “I’m going to cuddle you so hard.” 😍 I want to frame it.

He went all out. Blew me away. He said he wasn’t good at gifts like I was, and he wanted to plan an experience.

Ge booked couples massage package at a Korean spa, it was luxurious. They shut down the men’s entire sude so I could be in there with him. Came out feeling amazing. Then he took me to breakfast at the fancy pancake place. In the afternoon, he took me to an escape room at ala Moana. It was surprisingly challenging and fun! There were us, one other adult, and a flock of kids. They turned out to be really smart. 😍 It was a great day.

Apparently March 15 is steak and blowjob day. I thought every day was blowjob day. 😅 Good to know lol. He said it was the man’s repayment for Valentine’s day.

It was so touching, no one has ever done anything so thoughtful.

We have been together approximately 6ish months, although if you ask him, it was from our first date 😊 (which is soooo cute).

He’s a great influence. Super straight edge. Brilliant. Responsible. Punctual. Reliable. Stable. Never drunks, never smoked weed or done any partying.

He is extremely athletic, and we joined the gym together. He is very inspiring! Today he ran for 70 minutes non stop at 6.5-8 mph, and I did stairmaster for most of that.

I was able to enter a beautiful state of moving meditation during the stair climbing, while listening to Alan watts guided meditation. My breath became so full, deep, and slow; my lungs felt so crisp. My mind was clear. It was amazing. I have really struggled with meditation…. My mind is usually too busy. This was a rare exception where it came in effortlessly.

It’s been awhile…

It’s been awhile since I wrote anything. Mostly, I’ve been happy. Alex has become my best friend. I worked at Bishop museum for 2 weeks to cover for their tech while he was on vacation, and Alex brought me lunch three times in a week; he is so sweet. We’ve gotten really close. I love him so much.

He took me flying drones and we spent all day together and he’s just really an awesome friend. We went to Chinaman’s Hat and ended up at Turtle Bay for sunset. He gives really good advice and he really cares.

I’ve been REALLY into gardening lately. It’s very fulfilling and therapeutic. I have an extremely green thumb, and I love plants.

Very haphazard drip irrigation system for my vegetable garden

Nick hurt me pretty badly, but Alex was there for me and didn’t let me get down or get to into it, I’m pretty much healed from that. Although it hurt really bad in the beginning. Without Alex I don’t think I could have made it through this easily.

The security guard at allied security services (the airport’s security vendor) stole my cell phone and wallet when it was turned into him after I flew back from California.)!/ A female airport employee contacted me on Facebook in response to a post, and said that she had found my cell phone wallet in the bathroom and turned it into the security guard. She identified him, but the attorney general’s office dropped the case. I am suing them in small claims court. It’s really f***** up when someone abuses their position of authority like that.

Now on to the Harmful Effects of Ghosting

When I get ghosted, it damages my trust. Nick damaged my trust so much, he and Alex were the only people I trusted at the time. He had told me that he would never ghost me right before I went to California.

When I trust someone and they ghost me, my mind goes between hurt, irritation (because it’s like wasting my time, and time is the most valuable thing because it’s the one thing you can never get back); and worried about their safety/if they’re hurt or dead.

In december, I thought Carrie was ghosting me, but she had died. It’s not the first time that our friends died of me like that.

I have been waiting for Sebastian all day, I gave up my entire Sunday to spend time with him, and he is a no call, no show, again. I’m hurt and at the same time so worried that he’s hurt, in the hospital or something happened to him.

Every time, save for the last time when I finally saw him when we went fishing, he has stood me up. The last 2 times he’s stood me up, he’s ghosted. Last time it was for months. I thought we had an understanding. I don’t know why I put myself through this.

I think I have a problem; Alex said that my picker was broken. I seem to like the guys who treat me like garbage. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I had thought that Nick was different, but turns out he was the same or worse in the end. More fallout from Nuclear Matt.

I’m so lucky that I have Alex as my friend, he’s my rock. Of course I’m still in love with him, but I love him completely. As a friend and more, and I’m very happy he’s my best friend.

Sugar daddies from the universe

After that date, I get back and check messenger. 3 guys I've never talked to on messenger offering to be my sugar daddy?

A few months ago, I was selling my Moms scooter. My dad said $1000 so I listed it for that. It was in fair shape. I looked it up, 1300 new. Had a buyer already agreed to 1000. I messaged him and told him it wasn't worth 1000, I'll give it to him for 500. I felt bad taking advantage of a handicapped man.

It was right after my house was robbed at Christmas. I got scolded by Alex, he said the universe was trying to give me money and I said no, I don't want it. 😂😂

so.... Sugar daddies from the universe? 😂

It’s amazing the difference your state of mind makes. Yesterday I was so depressed that Nick had ghosted me, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I’d practically given up.

Alex called me and in his special Brooklyn way, “encouraged” me to get up, do something to find my phone, fix things. He said that everything surrounding the trip with Nick was a catastrophe, and we needed to mitigate it. (He said we 😍, so sweet)…. He akways hated Nick. After I got back, he forbade me from saying his name. He never did say I told you so.

No progress was made towards recovering from the losses yesterday. Shit show at best buy and 4 hours of my life wasted.

Today I wake up happy, inspired, deciding that the last person who used my greatest fears against me was my abusive narcissist ex Mark. And Nick. So it’s good, I see him clearly now. I go for a run a few miles, get a bit of progress towards replacing my driver’s license, just happy all day. I spent 8 hours still making no progress towards finding my phone or getting a new one, but today was great nonetheless.

#PERSPECTIVE #YOURMINDSETCONTROLSYOURREALITY

(I don’t actually do the trendy hashtag thing, I make up my own 😂)

Untitled

Space Traveler from a Beautiful, Green, Lush Planet

I have a very good friend who happens to be my ex boyfriend. We weren’t *really* together, it was only long distance, but I love him very much.

He’s…. Unique in his beliefs and views. Being agnostic, it is an important value of mine to not judge anyone’s beliefs, within reason.

One night I was with him, he scanned my body for energy, told me that people dump all their negative energy on me, and I don’t need that shit. He wasn’t wrong.

He scanned my chakras and said my third eye and sacral we’re very open, but my throat chakra was blocked. He said that means I have trouble communicating. He very much isn’t wrong.

He then told me, oh! I’m a space traveler, and it’s my first time to earth. He says no wonder I have such a hard time here, I’m a noob. (I paraphrase). He said he has been here many times, but I’m new to this planet. My planet is a beautiful, kush, green planet with love and beauty everywhere. For some reason, I totally believe that is possible. It feels right. I am at peace with the beauty of nature, I despise cities and asphalt and love natural wonders, mountains, oceans, plants.

Every time I have a hard time, fir example when I feel my heart is too big for this world, meaning I love deeply and forever, and (at least I used to be) so caring and generous, I know why. I am a space traveler from a beautiful, lush, green planet. I often wish I can go back.

My house was burglarized. They got away with $8000+ of stuff, and scared me to my core. Hawaii had been bad luck for me since I moved back, starting with losing my best friend the 2nd day I was here…. Having to cut off my sister right after my mom died, my job turned to shit overnight, Keri died of a stroke, vehicle broke, work vehicle rear ended, breast lump, cervical cancer might be back, sexually harassed at work, electric bills are $500 for one person, getting my car keys stolen at best buy costing $300 to replace, and getting burglarized. My boyfriend Nick, sexy, sweet, cuddly polyamorous Nick, wants me to come to California to live with him, at least for a little while. I’m so tempted. All the problems will be here. I won’t have to pay rent or utilities. Just my bills. I will get non stop cuddles, and a ton of sweetness. The ghosts on the island will remain here.

I really do want to leave it all behind. I only trust a few people, Nick and Alex…. Of course Nick lives in the California desert so it’s not ideal but it wouldn’t be forever.

Definitely not lush and green like my planet. 😁

Happy New Years and Hope You Had a Wonderful Christmas

As we are about to ring in 2022, I assess how far I've come and how I've changed.

Beautiful Christmas dinner with my friend Alex. He really has turned out to be a wonderful friend. My house got broken into, he's trying to help me secure it. I ended up cooking all day yesterday, and he came and finished up the rest.

We watched a new Matrix, he thought it'd be funny because it's terrible. I just like that spending time with him, but I miss cuddles.

Matt emailed me, the one who shattered my world earlier this year. He said "Merry Christmas sandy, the word I was thinking of was fiduciary." I was like, "say what?" I didn't think he got to me, because at the time I didn't react much. But I woke up thinking about him, I don't know when that will ever stop.

The resolution that I made on January 1st, to work out, I kept. I work out almost every day, I've lost a ton of weight, I'm a size medium now. I was a size 22 before I started. I look pretty damn amazing, and I'm proud of it.

My boyfriend nick, who moved to California, wants me to come live with him. No paying rent or bills, it's very tempting. Especially after the break-in, but moving from into Hawaii is expensive. I would have to leave my stuff here, and with the break-in, it's scary. My house was robbed, my bag was stolen and some electronics. It was so easy, they just took out the jealousies and came in. Alex is trying to help me reinforce the windows. I'm getting an alarm system put in and security cameras. It's actually quite terrifying, to know someone can come in so easily. I was raped last year, and it is scary.

I know it's not thanksgiving, but I am thankful for Alex and Nick. They are almost the only two people I trust in the world. Which brings me to that goal, don't trust so easily, right? Turns out I trust almost no one, which is the other side of unhealthy. But it's just the way the year has gone. My friend Zach from Colorado, told me there's a lot of types of trust. I trust people at work with my stuff, they don't steal. But I wouldn't trust him with the secret. The one I trusted at work, turned out to be a very bad friend, and I'm very bad coworker. He drinks at work, think it's okay, and he's my resource for projects that I manage. I reported to HR and the president, they don't care. They have let this go on for 8 months, him drinking and them sweeping it under the rug. He's unreliable, he doesn't show up half the time, you never know when he's going to just not show up. And they expect me to manage projects with him as my resource.

I'm seriously loyal, and I take too long to leave a situation. I have updated my resume, but I've not sent it out as much as I would if didn't have the job. I loved it so much, and it changed so quickly.

I hope to be going to California in february, at least for a little while. Take a vacation, see Nick, get cuddles.

Manipulation Games

I got lied to, I got played.
By my COMPANY, when I least expected it.
The first time I ever asked for a raise
My mom taught me to work hard to earn,
And I worjed my ass off.
AND I made a huge difference already.

It was scary but I asked for a raise, having two conversations, with confidence abd positivity

They seemed to go so well,
I felt valued, which made me shine abd more determined.
The CEO agreed to give me a car abd a raise.
I was blindsided when he not only offered less than my job offer, as he said he forgot that my current salary was a reduced probationary salary,
But he got offe def when I asked for a raise again.
He put me on the defensive, had me apologizing for saying I deserved it because I made a huge impact.

This was clear manipulation, when I go over the replay in my head.

Here are my take aways.
I am not cut out to be manager.
In order to turn things around, I must elevate my team before they will elevate their work.
No one sustains forced productivity.
Inspired productivity is infectious.

If I can't advocate for myself, I can't effectively advocate for my team.
They need a strong leader who not only has their back, as I do,
But plays the silly manipulation games that I don't know how to.
That I don't respect.
And I don't want to engage in.

How can a leader, a human,
Be both honest, authentic, abd demonstrate integrity,
And make promises they don't deliver, and break their word?
(They can't)
Undervalued, overworked
I feel like a used server he got at a clearance rate

Not only that, but in my one-on-ones with my team, they asked me to fight for them
For training, for fair pay
I don't stand a chance here,
He made a liar out of me and I can't lead that way.

I am genuine, honest, straight-forward, and non-manipulative
Although the world has crushed me fir this,
I actually admire this of myself
I don't respect manipulation and hands abd don't wish to engage in them

The older I get, the more like high school life becomes.
I was bullied on Friday, steamrolled by my leader.
What did he hope would come of that?

How so very silly that I got my heart broken by another company.

Reassessing my progress

Being “dominant” is a limited resource for me. I am very good at my job. So much so, that on my 90 day review I was promoted to manager. St first, I was like no! I don’t want to give up tech to do boring stuff. But I still get to do tech work, engineering, projects; but they want me to turn the ship around, lead the team.

Admittedly I’ve done so much research during the Thanksgiving break. I basically have studied leadership fir 7/10 of the wake time since Wednesday afternoon 😅.

Leadership is a skill I don’t consciously have. I am great at inspiring others but never by intention. Now I have to turn around negative perspectives and a bare minimum viewpoint into something inspiring.

Love, dating, being demisexual, yolo

I fell really hard for my sexy, sweet poly boyfriend. He moved last week for the military and I got to spend the last 2 weeks with him. His husband came back to Hawaii for legal paperwork, and I spent all weekend with them, and he held me the whole time. His husband is awesome, we went out with his husband's family and them to lunch and a movie on the last day I saw him, and he held me the whole time.

It was the most beautiful experience.

I've never met anyone like him. I learned all about polyamory, a little about kink and BDSM, and gender fluidity, understanding, and tolerance. I miss him so much, but he doesn't want me to be alone. So I'm dating. I got a corset (it's something he wants me to try as his submissive) and got so beautiful yesterday. I figured I shouldn't just stay in, so I went in tinder, and now I have 15 people to go out with in the next few weeks. It's a lot for someone with social anxiety, technically an extrovert, but probably the most introverted of extroverts.

I'd give it all up in a second to spend time with him. I didn't think I could feel this way again after Matt hurt me. I am so in love with my boyfriend though. 😍 He wants me to be happy, truly. This is what I've learned about polyamory, and it makes me think that monogamy is the unnatural thing.

I am bisexual, possibly pansexual, definitely demisexual, poly curious. I've never had a girlfriend, and when I care about someone it's with all I have. I think my boyfriend is perfect. All his unique qualities, all his imperfections, abd perfectly perfect to me. 😍 I really wish I could be with him, but now I have a chance to meet other people and make new connections until I see him again.

I don't know what the future holds but I want him in it. It makes me question leaving the country, but that's very important to me. I know with my current salary, I don't think I could save to move to a new country. I am receiving some of my mom's life insurance boolicy, technically with that 10k, I could leave the country right now, instead of getting a new car. I'd have enough starting money to begin a new life in a new country. But my heart is here, my heart is with him.

Adventures in Polyamory

My introduction into polyamory was wonderful, beautiful, and enamoring.

Met this wonderful, amazing man. On our 2nd date, he took me to a cat cafe to have tea and play with kittens. 😊

He said he was polyamorous. I didn't know exactly what that meant.

I've only ever done monogamy. My loyalty has never been questionable. In my marriage, I was miserable. My husband would never do exactly what I liked in bed, that was fine. But he stopped really touching me after a few years, and my love language is physical touch. I had asked for an open marriage, he said no. Basically, it felt like he wouldn't give me what I wanted, and I wasn't allowed to get it anywhere else. And he ended up cheating on me for almost a year, abd cancelling the car insurance I paid in full on a $35000 Subaru outback, leaving me funding out I was driving for a month without insurance during hail season. (What bothered me the most was the dishonesty and lack of integrity or consideration.)

I stayed so long for our kids and because I genuinely loved him. I've never had a problem with loyalty. I stayed far too long, only leaving after suffering with living with his selfish, manipulative ex wife did over a year.

I've always valued connection over all else, and my heart is so big. Romance mat come and go, but what stays for me is connection; which is why I get hurt if someone I care about cut off a connection when we broke up; even more so when I was ghosted by a best friend.

This weekend was beautiful. My boyfriend's husband came to Hawaii; he needed to take care of some legal paperwork. My boyfriend invited me to spend the weekend with them. I wasn't sure what to expect, I felt like I would have been intruding. Instead, we hung out all weekend, and he held me and cuddled me the whole time. Today we went out with his husband's family, him and his husband, abd he held me in front of all of them. It was an amazing feeling, true ethical non monogamy... He opened my eyes to something beautiful.

I am grateful my introduction to ethical non monogamy was such a good one, as I have heard stories of guys who cheat who say they are polyamorous. I gave learned (and always felt) that relationships if any kind are based on trust. If someone cheats, lies, or hides a relationship, it is a break of trust, and a disservice to all involved. It is very unfortunate that in my experience, the blame of this situation gets put on the "other woman", etc, instead of the cheater.

This was not the case. I have only ever experienced monogamy, and I am fully capable of it, however, having experienced this way of connection, it feels like a much better fit for me.

😍

On the subject of gender differences in the workplace

I've worked in IT for 21+ years. I'm brilliant and I have incredible emotional intelligence in the job, which is what helps me be so effective. Much more so than many typical IT dudes.

Still, I've been underestimated and underpaid due to my gender.

In my new job, in which I have a lot of power and influence, I'm paid half as much as the male counterpart in the same roll. We have compared salaries. I get much more done, whole he just points out problems but does nothing to fix them.

And recently I was called "pretty lady" in front of all my techs, by the engineer who dies less abd is paid twice as much. I'm not reporting it as sexual harassment, as there are real cases and this wasn't the case for me. It was embarrassing and frustrating, undermining my credibility, in front of all the males I lead.

Sigh.... America

Missing old friends

Today is one of those days I am thinking about Matt again. I think about him every day in some way or another. I have grown so much because of both what he has taught me, and the entire experience.

In this way, I cannot label it good or bad. I know if it didn't happen, I would have been happier and it would have been easier.

At the same time, complacency and happiness does not inspire growth; adversity does.

I am proud of myself for choosing the path of growth instead of letting it break me. I have grown more in the last year than my whole life in total, in many ways. This is a testament to my strength and resiliency.

So today when I r remember him, there's no sadness or unpleasantness, only gratitude and kind thoughts.

Gratitude

The president of my company found out my car died, and he offered me to use the company van and pay for repairs. Very grateful for things that happen. Trying to let go of the sadness, being grateful and laughing at everything (gebuinely funny things and adversity), really helps.

Reflections

Sometimes it takes sitting with yourself all day long, being silent, leaving on DND all day long, to find grounding and centering. I did that yesterday, while working hard to clean up my mom's house.

I like to out on some binaural beats mix of mellow music to help my mood, and breathe consciously while in this state. (The breathing slowly is something I do while running, slow, deep breaths.) I worked out a lot, and made a lot of progress of my mom's house. Sometimes I listen to poetry, there's this artist on Spotify, https://open.spotify.com/playlist/33CmWYkQtVZIjvO2fsKJz9?si=wEL_6bxHQ_GQIts_7pDQrA. Or I listen to sync mind, binaural beats music, with Sandhguru, he's very very wise. https://open.spotify.com/show/4d5AAqgYKDefgN6rTlfHaT?si=ZzzmDTFuR9CWfEPHozV3yQ

Tried once again to consciously break ties with loved ones I have lost, people I care about that I need to move on from. I visualized a cord being cut abd swept it away. But the connection is still there. Might need to sharpen my scissors. It's so hard for me to lose people I love. And yet nothing in life is permanent so I must learn this.

I was going to see someone I care about today, but they needed time to themselves, and this is important too. So I guess I'm just gonna chill today, might go to the gym. Would love to go to the North shore, but I'm using my company's van, and I'm not going to take advantage of their trust.

Have a peaceful day. Love, light, and happiness to everyone.

Power of Positivity, Gratitude, overthinking

Power of positive thinking

My car is dead.
I used to focus on the negative more,
I'm grateful I am grateful,
It's positive that I can see the positive in things.

My transportation is gone.

So I can wake up later because there's no driving to work,
I have time to get the oven, washer, and other things fixed,
I have time to clean,
No traffic,
Can work out at home, no travel time,
Can work on improving written communication at work,
Less reliance on my charisma abd magnetism with in person charm.
I get to work from home.

Not going to think:
My dad called yesterday to say he wanted to get it repaired or buy me a new car,
Talked to my 'sister' abd changed his mind,
I have inclinations on that. 🤔

That I can't go out and explore nature without a car.

Working from home uses more electricity.
The house I am living in has a severe electrical problem. The first months electricity was $400!!!

That if I didn't leave Colorado, I'd still have my beautiful, RELIABLE Subaru Outback touring, That cost me 3000 to sell.

My sister had turned on me, after I shipped all my stuff, resigned my job, abd bought tickets.

That I had no trust in the car. But the law of attraction.... What if my thoughts on how much I didn't trust the car caused it to break. 😅🤣

That all the heartbreak, hurt and trust, has led me to how amazing I've become, abd led me to wonderful things like meeting Nick. Possibly being friends with Sebastian? 🤣 Beautiful souls like Toni, Steve, Keri. Thus job where I can make a huge difference. Back home where I can enjoy the beach, when I can get there.

Etc.

On overthinking:

Has had profound benefits of self reflection, progress, inspiration, and healing.

Side effects of occasional sleep loss and stress,

Today, luckily, sleep loss isn't an issue- due to working from home.

Must work on this for when I have to get uo at 4:30 am

On trust:

Hmm this one is still being worked on. I was focused on getting hurt. A very wonderful friend reminded me their is more than one form of trust. He said that he trusts people who look out for themselves.
😅 I asked him if that meant he didn't trust me, because I haven't quite gotten there yet.

He called me in a panic, apologizing, saying he didn't want to lose our friendship.
I did mean it entirely in a reflection, self improvement way,
So cute though, so sweet. I forgot why I liked him so much.
One of my favorite memories of Colorado was meeting Zach and the awesome adventures.

I believe the panic that ensues from fear if this one aspect if trust where I'm shaky on is unhealthy,

I gave trusted too easily before and have been advised to not do that,
So it feels like going from 100 to a 2-10 depending on the day.

But these are my own perspective, that keeps evolving.

I wonder what is a healthy level of trust? Because either way I've gotten hurt or possibly hurt others. This year has changed a lot. Quest continues...

10.24.21

Hurt I was,
Scarred, scared, but determined I am,
Strong and a powerful force for good I will be. 

I believe I have the power to make change in the world
I already make profound changes in people's lives, and isn't that wonderful?
I owe it to the world to be my best. 
I owe it to myself. 
Laughing helps.

I feel unsure and stuck, forgetting how far I've come. 

Until I see how very much I've changed, how much progress I've made. 

Good night

On time:
How can one be present in the moment when time is relative, made up by humans, and is based on the cyclical rotation if the sun?

If they mean not to overthink, then I have failed 😅

On the topic of LOVE

What does love mean to me? It doesn't seem to match society, it others I know. My version of Love varies widely.

I love almost everyone, in various degrees and different ways. If we haven't met my love for you is wishes of only the best, happiness, success, and health. If we have connected, you will always be in my heart.

Those are the more mild versions of ways in which I love. Then there are those who I love very deeply, my friends, certainly, deep connections I've had along the way, and romantic love, Never forgotten and always in my heart. I don't know how to stop loving someone.

To love me, means forgiveness of any mistakes, as I am determined to become better and be better for the world. I am very sorry for anyone I've hurt. If I am made aware of it, I will do better. The past does not define me, because I've changed so much this year alone, it's astonishing.

Love to me means to not be ghosted, or blocked. To accept me as I am and what I'll become. To value our connection and to not throw it away. Be sure I won't throw it away.

To not be judged, and to be gifted patience, as if you tell me something is bothering you, I will do better. I realize this is not love to most, but this is love to me. And on that note, I love you. 😁🤣😍

New people!

It felt a little like falling out of a plane the first time I tried to trust someone I knew for a long time after Matt ghosted. Im at my friend’s house, he’s awesome. But all of a sudden 3 people are coming over and I’ve been having a ridiculous panic attack and I’d rather be skydiving. 🤣

New connections

It’s easy aspie for me to connect to almost anyone, but hard as a brick for them to connect to me. I have a natural talent for it and gave become really good at it, to the point it’s automatic. Especially if someone needs support or healing.

But my first date with someone new I was lucky enough to find a very kind hearted person that I’ve been spending time with. He’s only here for slightly more than a month but he feels very safe, and that is the type of person that I need right now, during the initial healing process.

Trying to connect to a person I adore, who just moved back, but simply said one thing and did not follow through was maddening. Especially since he’s going through so much, he could use a friend like me, but he just is stuck in loneliness, unwilling to accept support.

Hmm, seeing it in this perspective, yeah I was there about 2 months ago. When my mom died, and I was lost. Crying every day, lonely but people were reaching out. I was at the point where I was just too scared to trust anyone, or even try, because Matt had caused my worst fear of my life become realized.

People were reaching out to me but it felt overwhelming and I felt paralyzed to respond. I hope it’s not the same for this long time friend, but I can’t assume so because that’s only guessing or projecting. Lately though, he’s just sent random, infrequent sad pictures or short messages, like he’s hurting it lonely. And then when I respond he’s hiding. At least in my perception.

I wonder if anyone who was trying to support me back then felt that way? Reflections ….