Nick had gone from understanding and supportive to cold, dismissive, and disloyal. He had gone from wanting me to move in and wanting me to be a life partner for months to throwing everything away in a week.
The part that kills me is he knew everything that had happened with me. He knew about how much ghosting and dismissive behavior hurts me, and he knew all about my attachment anxiety and fear of abandonment. I confided in him.fir everything.
And in the end, that is the path he chose to go.
It hurts me to my very fire that he would do this, but he is human. And it shows who he really is. There is not really any going back from using your worst fears someone confided in you, PROMISING not to ghost, and then doing it.
Goodbye Nick, that was pretty fucked up. I definitely have come out of this badly burned, and there was no reason it had to be so. My trust has taken major hits.
Alex says he doesn’t trust anyone. I am pretty sure he does trust me though. For protection of my heart, maybe I don’t trust anyone (other than people who have earned it over a long time)…. I don’t want to be plagued with panic attacks about trusting either. I had panic attacks about trusting Nick when I first met him, and he knows all about that as well. Hopefully I get to the point where I don’t trust and don’t want to do it’s all chill. 😉
Being “dominant” is a limited resource for me. I am very good at my job. So much so, that on my 90 day review I was promoted to manager. St first, I was like no! I don’t want to give up tech to do boring stuff. But I still get to do tech work, engineering, projects; but they want me to turn the ship around, lead the team.
Admittedly I’ve done so much research during the Thanksgiving break. I basically have studied leadership fir 7/10 of the wake time since Wednesday afternoon 😅.
Leadership is a skill I don’t consciously have. I am great at inspiring others but never by intention. Now I have to turn around negative perspectives and a bare minimum viewpoint into something inspiring.
I fell really hard for my sexy, sweet poly boyfriend. He moved last week for the military and I got to spend the last 2 weeks with him. His husband came back to Hawaii for legal paperwork, and I spent all weekend with them, and he held me the whole time. His husband is awesome, we went out with his husband's family and them to lunch and a movie on the last day I saw him, and he held me the whole time.
It was the most beautiful experience.
I've never met anyone like him. I learned all about polyamory, a little about kink and BDSM, and gender fluidity, understanding, and tolerance. I miss him so much, but he doesn't want me to be alone. So I'm dating. I got a corset (it's something he wants me to try as his submissive) and got so beautiful yesterday. I figured I shouldn't just stay in, so I went in tinder, and now I have 15 people to go out with in the next few weeks. It's a lot for someone with social anxiety, technically an extrovert, but probably the most introverted of extroverts.
I'd give it all up in a second to spend time with him. I didn't think I could feel this way again after Matt hurt me. I am so in love with my boyfriend though. 😍 He wants me to be happy, truly. This is what I've learned about polyamory, and it makes me think that monogamy is the unnatural thing.
I am bisexual, possibly pansexual, definitely demisexual, poly curious. I've never had a girlfriend, and when I care about someone it's with all I have. I think my boyfriend is perfect. All his unique qualities, all his imperfections, abd perfectly perfect to me. 😍 I really wish I could be with him, but now I have a chance to meet other people and make new connections until I see him again.
I don't know what the future holds but I want him in it. It makes me question leaving the country, but that's very important to me. I know with my current salary, I don't think I could save to move to a new country. I am receiving some of my mom's life insurance boolicy, technically with that 10k, I could leave the country right now, instead of getting a new car. I'd have enough starting money to begin a new life in a new country. But my heart is here, my heart is with him.
Today is one of those days I am thinking about Matt again. I think about him every day in some way or another. I have grown so much because of both what he has taught me, and the entire experience.
In this way, I cannot label it good or bad. I know if it didn't happen, I would have been happier and it would have been easier.
At the same time, complacency and happiness does not inspire growth; adversity does.
I am proud of myself for choosing the path of growth instead of letting it break me. I have grown more in the last year than my whole life in total, in many ways. This is a testament to my strength and resiliency.
So today when I r remember him, there's no sadness or unpleasantness, only gratitude and kind thoughts.
The president of my company found out my car died, and he offered me to use the company van and pay for repairs. Very grateful for things that happen. Trying to let go of the sadness, being grateful and laughing at everything (gebuinely funny things and adversity), really helps.
My car is dead. I used to focus on the negative more, I'm grateful I am grateful, It's positive that I can see the positive in things.
My transportation is gone.
So I can wake up later because there's no driving to work, I have time to get the oven, washer, and other things fixed, I have time to clean, No traffic, Can work out at home, no travel time, Can work on improving written communication at work, Less reliance on my charisma abd magnetism with in person charm. I get to work from home.
Not going to think: My dad called yesterday to say he wanted to get it repaired or buy me a new car, Talked to my 'sister' abd changed his mind, I have inclinations on that. 🤔
That I can't go out and explore nature without a car.
Working from home uses more electricity. The house I am living in has a severe electrical problem. The first months electricity was $400!!!
That if I didn't leave Colorado, I'd still have my beautiful, RELIABLE Subaru Outback touring, That cost me 3000 to sell.
My sister had turned on me, after I shipped all my stuff, resigned my job, abd bought tickets.
That I had no trust in the car. But the law of attraction.... What if my thoughts on how much I didn't trust the car caused it to break. 😅🤣
That all the heartbreak, hurt and trust, has led me to how amazing I've become, abd led me to wonderful things like meeting Nick. Possibly being friends with Sebastian? 🤣 Beautiful souls like Toni, Steve, Keri. Thus job where I can make a huge difference. Back home where I can enjoy the beach, when I can get there.
Etc.
On overthinking:
Has had profound benefits of self reflection, progress, inspiration, and healing.
Side effects of occasional sleep loss and stress,
Today, luckily, sleep loss isn't an issue- due to working from home.
Must work on this for when I have to get uo at 4:30 am
On trust:
Hmm this one is still being worked on. I was focused on getting hurt. A very wonderful friend reminded me their is more than one form of trust. He said that he trusts people who look out for themselves. 😅 I asked him if that meant he didn't trust me, because I haven't quite gotten there yet.
He called me in a panic, apologizing, saying he didn't want to lose our friendship. I did mean it entirely in a reflection, self improvement way, So cute though, so sweet. I forgot why I liked him so much. One of my favorite memories of Colorado was meeting Zach and the awesome adventures.
I believe the panic that ensues from fear if this one aspect if trust where I'm shaky on is unhealthy,
I gave trusted too easily before and have been advised to not do that, So it feels like going from 100 to a 2-10 depending on the day.
But these are my own perspective, that keeps evolving.
I wonder what is a healthy level of trust? Because either way I've gotten hurt or possibly hurt others. This year has changed a lot. Quest continues...
Hurt I was, Scarred, scared, but determined I am, Strong and a powerful force for good I will be.
I believe I have the power to make change in the world I already make profound changes in people's lives, and isn't that wonderful? I owe it to the world to be my best. I owe it to myself. Laughing helps.
I feel unsure and stuck, forgetting how far I've come.
Until I see how very much I've changed, how much progress I've made.
Good night
On time: How can one be present in the moment when time is relative, made up by humans, and is based on the cyclical rotation if the sun?
If they mean not to overthink, then I have failed 😅
What does love mean to me? It doesn't seem to match society, it others I know. My version of Love varies widely.
I love almost everyone, in various degrees and different ways. If we haven't met my love for you is wishes of only the best, happiness, success, and health. If we have connected, you will always be in my heart.
Those are the more mild versions of ways in which I love. Then there are those who I love very deeply, my friends, certainly, deep connections I've had along the way, and romantic love, Never forgotten and always in my heart. I don't know how to stop loving someone.
To love me, means forgiveness of any mistakes, as I am determined to become better and be better for the world. I am very sorry for anyone I've hurt. If I am made aware of it, I will do better. The past does not define me, because I've changed so much this year alone, it's astonishing.
Love to me means to not be ghosted, or blocked. To accept me as I am and what I'll become. To value our connection and to not throw it away. Be sure I won't throw it away.
To not be judged, and to be gifted patience, as if you tell me something is bothering you, I will do better. I realize this is not love to most, but this is love to me. And on that note, I love you. 😁🤣😍
It felt a little like falling out of a plane the first time I tried to trust someone I knew for a long time after Matt ghosted. Im at my friend’s house, he’s awesome. But all of a sudden 3 people are coming over and I’ve been having a ridiculous panic attack and I’d rather be skydiving. 🤣
Inspiration 