Losing my mom – Inspiration

Space Traveler from a Beautiful, Green, Lush Planet

I have a very good friend who happens to be my ex boyfriend. We weren’t *really* together, it was only long distance, but I love him very much.

He’s…. Unique in his beliefs and views. Being agnostic, it is an important value of mine to not judge anyone’s beliefs, within reason.

One night I was with him, he scanned my body for energy, told me that people dump all their negative energy on me, and I don’t need that shit. He wasn’t wrong.

He scanned my chakras and said my third eye and sacral we’re very open, but my throat chakra was blocked. He said that means I have trouble communicating. He very much isn’t wrong.

He then told me, oh! I’m a space traveler, and it’s my first time to earth. He says no wonder I have such a hard time here, I’m a noob. (I paraphrase). He said he has been here many times, but I’m new to this planet. My planet is a beautiful, kush, green planet with love and beauty everywhere. For some reason, I totally believe that is possible. It feels right. I am at peace with the beauty of nature, I despise cities and asphalt and love natural wonders, mountains, oceans, plants.

Every time I have a hard time, fir example when I feel my heart is too big for this world, meaning I love deeply and forever, and (at least I used to be) so caring and generous, I know why. I am a space traveler from a beautiful, lush, green planet. I often wish I can go back.

My house was burglarized. They got away with $8000+ of stuff, and scared me to my core. Hawaii had been bad luck for me since I moved back, starting with losing my best friend the 2nd day I was here…. Having to cut off my sister right after my mom died, my job turned to shit overnight, Keri died of a stroke, vehicle broke, work vehicle rear ended, breast lump, cervical cancer might be back, sexually harassed at work, electric bills are $500 for one person, getting my car keys stolen at best buy costing $300 to replace, and getting burglarized. My boyfriend Nick, sexy, sweet, cuddly polyamorous Nick, wants me to come to California to live with him, at least for a little while. I’m so tempted. All the problems will be here. I won’t have to pay rent or utilities. Just my bills. I will get non stop cuddles, and a ton of sweetness. The ghosts on the island will remain here.

I really do want to leave it all behind. I only trust a few people, Nick and Alex…. Of course Nick lives in the California desert so it’s not ideal but it wouldn’t be forever.

Definitely not lush and green like my planet. 😁

Happy New Years and Hope You Had a Wonderful Christmas

As we are about to ring in 2022, I assess how far I've come and how I've changed.

Beautiful Christmas dinner with my friend Alex. He really has turned out to be a wonderful friend. My house got broken into, he's trying to help me secure it. I ended up cooking all day yesterday, and he came and finished up the rest.

We watched a new Matrix, he thought it'd be funny because it's terrible. I just like that spending time with him, but I miss cuddles.

Matt emailed me, the one who shattered my world earlier this year. He said "Merry Christmas sandy, the word I was thinking of was fiduciary." I was like, "say what?" I didn't think he got to me, because at the time I didn't react much. But I woke up thinking about him, I don't know when that will ever stop.

The resolution that I made on January 1st, to work out, I kept. I work out almost every day, I've lost a ton of weight, I'm a size medium now. I was a size 22 before I started. I look pretty damn amazing, and I'm proud of it.

My boyfriend nick, who moved to California, wants me to come live with him. No paying rent or bills, it's very tempting. Especially after the break-in, but moving from into Hawaii is expensive. I would have to leave my stuff here, and with the break-in, it's scary. My house was robbed, my bag was stolen and some electronics. It was so easy, they just took out the jealousies and came in. Alex is trying to help me reinforce the windows. I'm getting an alarm system put in and security cameras. It's actually quite terrifying, to know someone can come in so easily. I was raped last year, and it is scary.

I know it's not thanksgiving, but I am thankful for Alex and Nick. They are almost the only two people I trust in the world. Which brings me to that goal, don't trust so easily, right? Turns out I trust almost no one, which is the other side of unhealthy. But it's just the way the year has gone. My friend Zach from Colorado, told me there's a lot of types of trust. I trust people at work with my stuff, they don't steal. But I wouldn't trust him with the secret. The one I trusted at work, turned out to be a very bad friend, and I'm very bad coworker. He drinks at work, think it's okay, and he's my resource for projects that I manage. I reported to HR and the president, they don't care. They have let this go on for 8 months, him drinking and them sweeping it under the rug. He's unreliable, he doesn't show up half the time, you never know when he's going to just not show up. And they expect me to manage projects with him as my resource.

I'm seriously loyal, and I take too long to leave a situation. I have updated my resume, but I've not sent it out as much as I would if didn't have the job. I loved it so much, and it changed so quickly.

I hope to be going to California in february, at least for a little while. Take a vacation, see Nick, get cuddles.

When it rains it pours

Also, I was really looking forward to making Christmas dinner for a very special friend. I took off work 2 days abd had been planning and preparing for 3 weeks.

My oven burnt the daylights out of cookies I put in for 5 mins at 200 degrees, so Christmas dinner is a no go. I put the turkey in the freezer abd it’s getting prepared on the third.

It’s hard to be strong right now.

Ghosts

Keri, I love you. You were so much like me. I saw your heart. You were hurt by your brother, you were hurt as a child by your evil uncle. Your brother was as much of an abusive person to you as my sister is to me.

You were sweet, you were an empath too, though you didn’t know what that meant. You were in the same type of abusive relationship I was for 8 years. Although it’s not what killed you, you never got to be free.

Last I saw you, you told me that your uncle raped you and your brothers, sisters, and nieces before he died. I saw the hurt little girl inside. I hugged you, listened to you, and gave you one of my journals and a beautiful pen so you could write. Before you left, I gave you a water, told you stay hydrated, hugged you and told you I loved you.

I had known you 22 years, and will miss you. RIP. ❤️❤️❤️

Defeated

I feel done here. Deflated. Defeated.

I don't have ties. People I've known for years have let me down, ghosted (Sebastian)...... He made plans to meet me and I never heard from him again. I've known him 6 years. I always had his back. People are flaky. I have few actual friends. My heart is going to be living in California and wants me to live with him.

The company I work for offered me a company car. I didn't get it yet. The owners son got into an accident so he is driving it. The company van I was driving was rear ended on the freeway. I wasn't hurt. I was very concerned about the driver's of the other car.

Turns my company customize the policy to not offer any roadside assistance. The insurance company they use does not have dispatch open on the weekends. They wanted me to pay for the tow and pay for the Uber. I'm really fed up with this company, I'm working from home and looking for a new job. I was assigned for projects last week as project manager, but they're not paying for training of course, I am. I'm taking a Google project management certificate, and then they assigned me four projects. To make it really fun, the sole resource engineer I have showed up drunk to work again. He's very unreliable and doesn't get much done. I like a challenge but this is ridiculous. Not only that but I can't finish the big project that I've been working on for this whole time and I was supposed to have a huge planned opening and presentation and it's not happening now. I almost completely built this ticketing system and rmm system, it was a huge deal. And now I can't finish it cuz I have to do this other stuff that is so late. Not only are my first big projects going to fail because they're already late, I can't rely on the people that are working for me.

I really need to get back to the habit of turning around the negative into the positive and pumping myself up. I just feel defeated because I'm stuck at home once again, I have no car once again. I found a new car before the president offered me a company car and so I didn't get it. It was sweet, 37000 miles.

Part of me thinks that getting a car is is a bad idea because it ties me to Hawaii, and Nick is in California. Nick would like me to come stay with him, and possibly live with him. He's amazingly sweet, he has a huge heart, I miss him like crazy.

There has been so much loss in Hawaii, so much heartbreak. I just feel done.

On friday, I had a dream that Matt and I were friends. I woke up and saw a text from him. I couldn't move for an hour, emotionally paralyzed. I felt sick all day, and it was like the pain of losing my mom all over again, due to the timing that he did that. I have achieved anger at him, because I have. I'm still broken due to the recklessness with my feelings.

Funny thing about Alex, I was right about him and wrong about him. When we were together and he was in New york, I pushed him away because I thought it would hurt me again. I always thought he wasn't relationship material. Turns out that was right. He is a really good friend though, I don't know if I can do it. I've gotten really good at cutting out people lately, hopefully it doesn't cut down too much. I've blocked three people in the last week said known for years. I used to be that I would never cut anyone out, I'm changing a lot, not all of it is good. A lot is good though. At work I've been described as a force, as overbearing, and as aggressive. I've never been described this way, it's almost funny. Work has made me into someone that I'm not really because it is ridiculous the way that is been run, they're running it into the ground. Allowing engineers to show up drunk for a year, allowing people to sleep on the job, fucking over people that are highly productive. No wonder why they're losing $250,000 a year on the IT department. I updated my resume and sent it out, I need to get more aggressive with that. I might just try to California I'm not sure yet.

Power of Positivity, Gratitude, overthinking

Power of positive thinking

My car is dead.
I used to focus on the negative more,
I'm grateful I am grateful,
It's positive that I can see the positive in things.

My transportation is gone.

So I can wake up later because there's no driving to work,
I have time to get the oven, washer, and other things fixed,
I have time to clean,
No traffic,
Can work out at home, no travel time,
Can work on improving written communication at work,
Less reliance on my charisma abd magnetism with in person charm.
I get to work from home.

Not going to think:
My dad called yesterday to say he wanted to get it repaired or buy me a new car,
Talked to my 'sister' abd changed his mind,
I have inclinations on that. 🤔

That I can't go out and explore nature without a car.

Working from home uses more electricity.
The house I am living in has a severe electrical problem. The first months electricity was $400!!!

That if I didn't leave Colorado, I'd still have my beautiful, RELIABLE Subaru Outback touring, That cost me 3000 to sell.

My sister had turned on me, after I shipped all my stuff, resigned my job, abd bought tickets.

That I had no trust in the car. But the law of attraction.... What if my thoughts on how much I didn't trust the car caused it to break. 😅🤣

That all the heartbreak, hurt and trust, has led me to how amazing I've become, abd led me to wonderful things like meeting Nick. Possibly being friends with Sebastian? 🤣 Beautiful souls like Toni, Steve, Keri. Thus job where I can make a huge difference. Back home where I can enjoy the beach, when I can get there.

Etc.

On overthinking:

Has had profound benefits of self reflection, progress, inspiration, and healing.

Side effects of occasional sleep loss and stress,

Today, luckily, sleep loss isn't an issue- due to working from home.

Must work on this for when I have to get uo at 4:30 am

On trust:

Hmm this one is still being worked on. I was focused on getting hurt. A very wonderful friend reminded me their is more than one form of trust. He said that he trusts people who look out for themselves.
😅 I asked him if that meant he didn't trust me, because I haven't quite gotten there yet.

He called me in a panic, apologizing, saying he didn't want to lose our friendship.
I did mean it entirely in a reflection, self improvement way,
So cute though, so sweet. I forgot why I liked him so much.
One of my favorite memories of Colorado was meeting Zach and the awesome adventures.

I believe the panic that ensues from fear if this one aspect if trust where I'm shaky on is unhealthy,

I gave trusted too easily before and have been advised to not do that,
So it feels like going from 100 to a 2-10 depending on the day.

But these are my own perspective, that keeps evolving.

I wonder what is a healthy level of trust? Because either way I've gotten hurt or possibly hurt others. This year has changed a lot. Quest continues...