Grief, Self improvement, Discovery, Loss, Growth
I sit here waiting for Nick with tears in my eyes.
He was telling me about his girlfriend Lily. She thinks she has diabetes. She’s trying to gather evidence to go to the doctor.
Why would she have to prove to the doctor that she has a disease, isn’t that the doctors job?
The reason is transphobia. Doctors are more inclined to blame the patient than to do their job and treat medical conditions.
This is absolutely heartbreaking.
I’ve known Sebastian from before I got married, and had a very special connection with him from the start. There was a lot of electrifying chemistry as well. I am heartbroken to say that it us the end of this very special friendship. I can’t allow myself to be treated like that anymore.
I have a very good friend who happens to be my ex boyfriend. We weren’t *really* together, it was only long distance, but I love him very much.
He’s…. Unique in his beliefs and views. Being agnostic, it is an important value of mine to not judge anyone’s beliefs, within reason.
One night I was with him, he scanned my body for energy, told me that people dump all their negative energy on me, and I don’t need that shit. He wasn’t wrong.
He scanned my chakras and said my third eye and sacral we’re very open, but my throat chakra was blocked. He said that means I have trouble communicating. He very much isn’t wrong.
He then told me, oh! I’m a space traveler, and it’s my first time to earth. He says no wonder I have such a hard time here, I’m a noob. (I paraphrase). He said he has been here many times, but I’m new to this planet. My planet is a beautiful, kush, green planet with love and beauty everywhere. For some reason, I totally believe that is possible. It feels right. I am at peace with the beauty of nature, I despise cities and asphalt and love natural wonders, mountains, oceans, plants.
Every time I have a hard time, fir example when I feel my heart is too big for this world, meaning I love deeply and forever, and (at least I used to be) so caring and generous, I know why. I am a space traveler from a beautiful, lush, green planet. I often wish I can go back.
My house was burglarized. They got away with $8000+ of stuff, and scared me to my core. Hawaii had been bad luck for me since I moved back, starting with losing my best friend the 2nd day I was here…. Having to cut off my sister right after my mom died, my job turned to shit overnight, Keri died of a stroke, vehicle broke, work vehicle rear ended, breast lump, cervical cancer might be back, sexually harassed at work, electric bills are $500 for one person, getting my car keys stolen at best buy costing $300 to replace, and getting burglarized. My boyfriend Nick, sexy, sweet, cuddly polyamorous Nick, wants me to come to California to live with him, at least for a little while. I’m so tempted. All the problems will be here. I won’t have to pay rent or utilities. Just my bills. I will get non stop cuddles, and a ton of sweetness. The ghosts on the island will remain here.
I really do want to leave it all behind. I only trust a few people, Nick and Alex…. Of course Nick lives in the California desert so it’s not ideal but it wouldn’t be forever.
Definitely not lush and green like my planet. 😁
As we are about to ring in 2022, I assess how far I've come and how I've changed.
Beautiful Christmas dinner with my friend Alex. He really has turned out to be a wonderful friend. My house got broken into, he's trying to help me secure it. I ended up cooking all day yesterday, and he came and finished up the rest.
We watched a new Matrix, he thought it'd be funny because it's terrible. I just like that spending time with him, but I miss cuddles.
Matt emailed me, the one who shattered my world earlier this year. He said "Merry Christmas sandy, the word I was thinking of was fiduciary." I was like, "say what?" I didn't think he got to me, because at the time I didn't react much. But I woke up thinking about him, I don't know when that will ever stop.
The resolution that I made on January 1st, to work out, I kept. I work out almost every day, I've lost a ton of weight, I'm a size medium now. I was a size 22 before I started. I look pretty damn amazing, and I'm proud of it.
My boyfriend nick, who moved to California, wants me to come live with him. No paying rent or bills, it's very tempting. Especially after the break-in, but moving from into Hawaii is expensive. I would have to leave my stuff here, and with the break-in, it's scary. My house was robbed, my bag was stolen and some electronics. It was so easy, they just took out the jealousies and came in. Alex is trying to help me reinforce the windows. I'm getting an alarm system put in and security cameras. It's actually quite terrifying, to know someone can come in so easily. I was raped last year, and it is scary.
I know it's not thanksgiving, but I am thankful for Alex and Nick. They are almost the only two people I trust in the world. Which brings me to that goal, don't trust so easily, right? Turns out I trust almost no one, which is the other side of unhealthy. But it's just the way the year has gone. My friend Zach from Colorado, told me there's a lot of types of trust. I trust people at work with my stuff, they don't steal. But I wouldn't trust him with the secret. The one I trusted at work, turned out to be a very bad friend, and I'm very bad coworker. He drinks at work, think it's okay, and he's my resource for projects that I manage. I reported to HR and the president, they don't care. They have let this go on for 8 months, him drinking and them sweeping it under the rug. He's unreliable, he doesn't show up half the time, you never know when he's going to just not show up. And they expect me to manage projects with him as my resource.
I'm seriously loyal, and I take too long to leave a situation. I have updated my resume, but I've not sent it out as much as I would if didn't have the job. I loved it so much, and it changed so quickly.
I hope to be going to California in february, at least for a little while. Take a vacation, see Nick, get cuddles.
Also, I was really looking forward to making Christmas dinner for a very special friend. I took off work 2 days abd had been planning and preparing for 3 weeks.
My oven burnt the daylights out of cookies I put in for 5 mins at 200 degrees, so Christmas dinner is a no go. I put the turkey in the freezer abd it’s getting prepared on the third.
It’s hard to be strong right now.
I feel done here. Deflated. Defeated.
I don't have ties. People I've known for years have let me down, ghosted (Sebastian)...... He made plans to meet me and I never heard from him again. I've known him 6 years. I always had his back. People are flaky. I have few actual friends. My heart is going to be living in California and wants me to live with him.
The company I work for offered me a company car. I didn't get it yet. The owners son got into an accident so he is driving it. The company van I was driving was rear ended on the freeway. I wasn't hurt. I was very concerned about the driver's of the other car.
Turns my company customize the policy to not offer any roadside assistance. The insurance company they use does not have dispatch open on the weekends. They wanted me to pay for the tow and pay for the Uber. I'm really fed up with this company, I'm working from home and looking for a new job. I was assigned for projects last week as project manager, but they're not paying for training of course, I am. I'm taking a Google project management certificate, and then they assigned me four projects. To make it really fun, the sole resource engineer I have showed up drunk to work again. He's very unreliable and doesn't get much done. I like a challenge but this is ridiculous. Not only that but I can't finish the big project that I've been working on for this whole time and I was supposed to have a huge planned opening and presentation and it's not happening now. I almost completely built this ticketing system and rmm system, it was a huge deal. And now I can't finish it cuz I have to do this other stuff that is so late. Not only are my first big projects going to fail because they're already late, I can't rely on the people that are working for me.
I really need to get back to the habit of turning around the negative into the positive and pumping myself up. I just feel defeated because I'm stuck at home once again, I have no car once again. I found a new car before the president offered me a company car and so I didn't get it. It was sweet, 37000 miles.
Part of me thinks that getting a car is is a bad idea because it ties me to Hawaii, and Nick is in California. Nick would like me to come stay with him, and possibly live with him. He's amazingly sweet, he has a huge heart, I miss him like crazy.
There has been so much loss in Hawaii, so much heartbreak. I just feel done.
On friday, I had a dream that Matt and I were friends. I woke up and saw a text from him. I couldn't move for an hour, emotionally paralyzed. I felt sick all day, and it was like the pain of losing my mom all over again, due to the timing that he did that. I have achieved anger at him, because I have. I'm still broken due to the recklessness with my feelings.
Funny thing about Alex, I was right about him and wrong about him. When we were together and he was in New york, I pushed him away because I thought it would hurt me again. I always thought he wasn't relationship material. Turns out that was right. He is a really good friend though, I don't know if I can do it. I've gotten really good at cutting out people lately, hopefully it doesn't cut down too much. I've blocked three people in the last week said known for years. I used to be that I would never cut anyone out, I'm changing a lot, not all of it is good. A lot is good though. At work I've been described as a force, as overbearing, and as aggressive. I've never been described this way, it's almost funny. Work has made me into someone that I'm not really because it is ridiculous the way that is been run, they're running it into the ground. Allowing engineers to show up drunk for a year, allowing people to sleep on the job, fucking over people that are highly productive. No wonder why they're losing $250,000 a year on the IT department. I updated my resume and sent it out, I need to get more aggressive with that. I might just try to California I'm not sure yet.
Being “dominant” is a limited resource for me. I am very good at my job. So much so, that on my 90 day review I was promoted to manager. St first, I was like no! I don’t want to give up tech to do boring stuff. But I still get to do tech work, engineering, projects; but they want me to turn the ship around, lead the team.
Admittedly I’ve done so much research during the Thanksgiving break. I basically have studied leadership fir 7/10 of the wake time since Wednesday afternoon 😅.
Leadership is a skill I don’t consciously have. I am great at inspiring others but never by intention. Now I have to turn around negative perspectives and a bare minimum viewpoint into something inspiring.
I fell really hard for my sexy, sweet poly boyfriend. He moved last week for the military and I got to spend the last 2 weeks with him. His husband came back to Hawaii for legal paperwork, and I spent all weekend with them, and he held me the whole time. His husband is awesome, we went out with his husband's family and them to lunch and a movie on the last day I saw him, and he held me the whole time.
It was the most beautiful experience.
I've never met anyone like him. I learned all about polyamory, a little about kink and BDSM, and gender fluidity, understanding, and tolerance. I miss him so much, but he doesn't want me to be alone. So I'm dating. I got a corset (it's something he wants me to try as his submissive) and got so beautiful yesterday. I figured I shouldn't just stay in, so I went in tinder, and now I have 15 people to go out with in the next few weeks. It's a lot for someone with social anxiety, technically an extrovert, but probably the most introverted of extroverts.
I'd give it all up in a second to spend time with him. I didn't think I could feel this way again after Matt hurt me. I am so in love with my boyfriend though. 😍 He wants me to be happy, truly. This is what I've learned about polyamory, and it makes me think that monogamy is the unnatural thing.
I am bisexual, possibly pansexual, definitely demisexual, poly curious. I've never had a girlfriend, and when I care about someone it's with all I have. I think my boyfriend is perfect. All his unique qualities, all his imperfections, abd perfectly perfect to me. 😍 I really wish I could be with him, but now I have a chance to meet other people and make new connections until I see him again.
I don't know what the future holds but I want him in it. It makes me question leaving the country, but that's very important to me. I know with my current salary, I don't think I could save to move to a new country. I am receiving some of my mom's life insurance boolicy, technically with that 10k, I could leave the country right now, instead of getting a new car. I'd have enough starting money to begin a new life in a new country. But my heart is here, my heart is with him.
My introduction into polyamory was wonderful, beautiful, and enamoring.
Met this wonderful, amazing man. On our 2nd date, he took me to a cat cafe to have tea and play with kittens. 😊
He said he was polyamorous. I didn't know exactly what that meant.
I've only ever done monogamy. My loyalty has never been questionable. In my marriage, I was miserable. My husband would never do exactly what I liked in bed, that was fine. But he stopped really touching me after a few years, and my love language is physical touch. I had asked for an open marriage, he said no. Basically, it felt like he wouldn't give me what I wanted, and I wasn't allowed to get it anywhere else. And he ended up cheating on me for almost a year, abd cancelling the car insurance I paid in full on a $35000 Subaru outback, leaving me funding out I was driving for a month without insurance during hail season. (What bothered me the most was the dishonesty and lack of integrity or consideration.)
I stayed so long for our kids and because I genuinely loved him. I've never had a problem with loyalty. I stayed far too long, only leaving after suffering with living with his selfish, manipulative ex wife did over a year.
I've always valued connection over all else, and my heart is so big. Romance mat come and go, but what stays for me is connection; which is why I get hurt if someone I care about cut off a connection when we broke up; even more so when I was ghosted by a best friend.
This weekend was beautiful. My boyfriend's husband came to Hawaii; he needed to take care of some legal paperwork. My boyfriend invited me to spend the weekend with them. I wasn't sure what to expect, I felt like I would have been intruding. Instead, we hung out all weekend, and he held me and cuddled me the whole time. Today we went out with his husband's family, him and his husband, abd he held me in front of all of them. It was an amazing feeling, true ethical non monogamy... He opened my eyes to something beautiful.
I am grateful my introduction to ethical non monogamy was such a good one, as I have heard stories of guys who cheat who say they are polyamorous. I gave learned (and always felt) that relationships if any kind are based on trust. If someone cheats, lies, or hides a relationship, it is a break of trust, and a disservice to all involved. It is very unfortunate that in my experience, the blame of this situation gets put on the "other woman", etc, instead of the cheater.
This was not the case. I have only ever experienced monogamy, and I am fully capable of it, however, having experienced this way of connection, it feels like a much better fit for me.
😍
To you (you know who you are),
You are the only person I've ever met who was as cuddly as I am. You treat me so well, so respectfully and kindly. With so much thought and empathy, with the dominance I crave.
Always checking in, so many kisses and hugs. You held me as much as I've ever wanted to be held. Your heart is so big, as big as mine is. Never an ounce of judgment, only sweetness and understanding.
You have shown me things about myself; things I resonate with and things I enjoy. I never realize polyamory would fit me so well.
You have spoiled me, set the bar so high. Yours will be a very tough act to follow.
For all these reasons and thousands more, I love you so much. I will miss you with all my heart.
❤️😍❤️
Today is one of those days I am thinking about Matt again. I think about him every day in some way or another. I have grown so much because of both what he has taught me, and the entire experience.
In this way, I cannot label it good or bad. I know if it didn't happen, I would have been happier and it would have been easier.
At the same time, complacency and happiness does not inspire growth; adversity does.
I am proud of myself for choosing the path of growth instead of letting it break me. I have grown more in the last year than my whole life in total, in many ways. This is a testament to my strength and resiliency.
So today when I r remember him, there's no sadness or unpleasantness, only gratitude and kind thoughts.
The president of my company found out my car died, and he offered me to use the company van and pay for repairs. Very grateful for things that happen. Trying to let go of the sadness, being grateful and laughing at everything (gebuinely funny things and adversity), really helps.
Sometimes it takes sitting with yourself all day long, being silent, leaving on DND all day long, to find grounding and centering. I did that yesterday, while working hard to clean up my mom's house.
I like to out on some binaural beats mix of mellow music to help my mood, and breathe consciously while in this state. (The breathing slowly is something I do while running, slow, deep breaths.) I worked out a lot, and made a lot of progress of my mom's house. Sometimes I listen to poetry, there's this artist on Spotify, https://open.spotify.com/playlist/33CmWYkQtVZIjvO2fsKJz9?si=wEL_6bxHQ_GQIts_7pDQrA. Or I listen to sync mind, binaural beats music, with Sandhguru, he's very very wise. https://open.spotify.com/show/4d5AAqgYKDefgN6rTlfHaT?si=ZzzmDTFuR9CWfEPHozV3yQ
Tried once again to consciously break ties with loved ones I have lost, people I care about that I need to move on from. I visualized a cord being cut abd swept it away. But the connection is still there. Might need to sharpen my scissors. It's so hard for me to lose people I love. And yet nothing in life is permanent so I must learn this.
I was going to see someone I care about today, but they needed time to themselves, and this is important too. So I guess I'm just gonna chill today, might go to the gym. Would love to go to the North shore, but I'm using my company's van, and I'm not going to take advantage of their trust.
Have a peaceful day. Love, light, and happiness to everyone.
Power of positive thinking
My car is dead.
I used to focus on the negative more,
I'm grateful I am grateful,
It's positive that I can see the positive in things.
My transportation is gone.
So I can wake up later because there's no driving to work,
I have time to get the oven, washer, and other things fixed,
I have time to clean,
No traffic,
Can work out at home, no travel time,
Can work on improving written communication at work,
Less reliance on my charisma abd magnetism with in person charm.
I get to work from home.
Not going to think:
My dad called yesterday to say he wanted to get it repaired or buy me a new car,
Talked to my 'sister' abd changed his mind,
I have inclinations on that. 🤔
That I can't go out and explore nature without a car.
Working from home uses more electricity.
The house I am living in has a severe electrical problem. The first months electricity was $400!!!
That if I didn't leave Colorado, I'd still have my beautiful, RELIABLE Subaru Outback touring, That cost me 3000 to sell.
My sister had turned on me, after I shipped all my stuff, resigned my job, abd bought tickets.
That I had no trust in the car. But the law of attraction.... What if my thoughts on how much I didn't trust the car caused it to break. 😅🤣
That all the heartbreak, hurt and trust, has led me to how amazing I've become, abd led me to wonderful things like meeting Nick. Possibly being friends with Sebastian? 🤣 Beautiful souls like Toni, Steve, Keri. Thus job where I can make a huge difference. Back home where I can enjoy the beach, when I can get there.
Etc.
On overthinking:
Has had profound benefits of self reflection, progress, inspiration, and healing.
Side effects of occasional sleep loss and stress,
Today, luckily, sleep loss isn't an issue- due to working from home.
Must work on this for when I have to get uo at 4:30 am
On trust:
Hmm this one is still being worked on. I was focused on getting hurt. A very wonderful friend reminded me their is more than one form of trust. He said that he trusts people who look out for themselves.
😅 I asked him if that meant he didn't trust me, because I haven't quite gotten there yet.
He called me in a panic, apologizing, saying he didn't want to lose our friendship.
I did mean it entirely in a reflection, self improvement way,
So cute though, so sweet. I forgot why I liked him so much.
One of my favorite memories of Colorado was meeting Zach and the awesome adventures.
I believe the panic that ensues from fear if this one aspect if trust where I'm shaky on is unhealthy,
I gave trusted too easily before and have been advised to not do that,
So it feels like going from 100 to a 2-10 depending on the day.
But these are my own perspective, that keeps evolving.
I wonder what is a healthy level of trust? Because either way I've gotten hurt or possibly hurt others. This year has changed a lot. Quest continues...
Hurt I was,
Scarred, scared, but determined I am,
Strong and a powerful force for good I will be.
I believe I have the power to make change in the world
I already make profound changes in people's lives, and isn't that wonderful?
I owe it to the world to be my best.
I owe it to myself.
Laughing helps.
I feel unsure and stuck, forgetting how far I've come.
Until I see how very much I've changed, how much progress I've made.
Good night
On time:
How can one be present in the moment when time is relative, made up by humans, and is based on the cyclical rotation if the sun?
If they mean not to overthink, then I have failed 😅
What does love mean to me? It doesn't seem to match society, it others I know. My version of Love varies widely.
I love almost everyone, in various degrees and different ways. If we haven't met my love for you is wishes of only the best, happiness, success, and health. If we have connected, you will always be in my heart.
Those are the more mild versions of ways in which I love. Then there are those who I love very deeply, my friends, certainly, deep connections I've had along the way, and romantic love, Never forgotten and always in my heart. I don't know how to stop loving someone.
To love me, means forgiveness of any mistakes, as I am determined to become better and be better for the world. I am very sorry for anyone I've hurt. If I am made aware of it, I will do better. The past does not define me, because I've changed so much this year alone, it's astonishing.
Love to me means to not be ghosted, or blocked. To accept me as I am and what I'll become. To value our connection and to not throw it away. Be sure I won't throw it away.
To not be judged, and to be gifted patience, as if you tell me something is bothering you, I will do better. I realize this is not love to most, but this is love to me. And on that note, I love you. 😁🤣😍
It felt a little like falling out of a plane the first time I tried to trust someone I knew for a long time after Matt ghosted. Im at my friend’s house, he’s awesome. But all of a sudden 3 people are coming over and I’ve been having a ridiculous panic attack and I’d rather be skydiving. 🤣
It’s easy aspie for me to connect to almost anyone, but hard as a brick for them to connect to me. I have a natural talent for it and gave become really good at it, to the point it’s automatic. Especially if someone needs support or healing.
But my first date with someone new I was lucky enough to find a very kind hearted person that I’ve been spending time with. He’s only here for slightly more than a month but he feels very safe, and that is the type of person that I need right now, during the initial healing process.
Trying to connect to a person I adore, who just moved back, but simply said one thing and did not follow through was maddening. Especially since he’s going through so much, he could use a friend like me, but he just is stuck in loneliness, unwilling to accept support.
Hmm, seeing it in this perspective, yeah I was there about 2 months ago. When my mom died, and I was lost. Crying every day, lonely but people were reaching out. I was at the point where I was just too scared to trust anyone, or even try, because Matt had caused my worst fear of my life become realized.
People were reaching out to me but it felt overwhelming and I felt paralyzed to respond. I hope it’s not the same for this long time friend, but I can’t assume so because that’s only guessing or projecting. Lately though, he’s just sent random, infrequent sad pictures or short messages, like he’s hurting it lonely. And then when I respond he’s hiding. At least in my perception.
I wonder if anyone who was trying to support me back then felt that way? Reflections ….
I’ve never felt anger like this before. It’s a workday and I’ve been angry cleaning the house and there is no sleep in sight.
It’s everything all in one. My “sister”, SAMANTHAA DICK, her verbal abuse, (name-calling, belittling, judging, silent treatment, spreading gossip and shit talk) for 22 years; my ex bitch roommate, BARB MATTINGLEY-GAUL, who bullied me, threatened violence, when I told her my mom was dying, she said get the fuck over it and grow up… And now she’s extorting me for money, about $200, to send my mom’s locket back that I accidentally left there. If I wasn’t a victim of an abusive narcissist for 8 years, MARK TEACHER, who verbally, emotionally, physically, and psychologically abused/tortured me for 8 years, I could have kicked her ass wgensge drug me out of bed, came after me, and threatened me. Instead I froze.
I’m angry at America. My bank account got hacked and drained, 2 weeks after I thought it had gotten hacked (first time was a false alarm), and I called the bank and asked what kinds of security protection can I add to my checking? They said nothing, other than freezing my debit card. It’s their job to know how vulnerable Banks current state of security is for bank accounts. right now, a hacker, can just have your routing number and checking account number, and can drain your bank. Debit cards are not protected either. Banks need to at least upgrade to a 6 to 8 digit pin for debits, disallow credit override, and offer some kind of multi factor authentication for large transactions at the very least. Approval, monitoring, multi factor authentication…. Something. Right now, their system for security purposes, is set up for the 1950’s. The ironic part is, if I hacker or criminal steals your credit card number, they automatically refunded immediately, while investigating. However with your real money, in your bank account, which you are required to have for life in America, they do not do that. They put your case in investigation, which can take months if ever to get your money back. Meanwhile, if someone doesn’t have the extra money, they might get affected, not eat, anything bad when you don’t have money. This is one of the things I dislike about America. another thing is that we have the worst healthcare system quality of all first world countries, and the most expensive. All politicians and the government sucks; Biden sucks, Trump sucked, Ige sucks. The way we handled the coronavirus, has gotten so bad, predictably, that we are screwed. (Looking at you extremists/Qanon, Trump, and Biden.
I got coronavirus, from my sister or her boyfriend, a week after I moved here. Hawaii has no protections, for people who are forced to be out of work, due to mandatory quarantine. our tax rate is the highest, but the care for the people is low. I had unpaid bereavement after that, unpaid holidays. Lost so much money in the first month, due to income. lakeside auto, in Colorado Springs, decided to take back their written offer, and lesson for offer for my car on my last day by two grand. I had to lose $2000 more because they knew I didn’t have a choice.
And the hack… While hackers are criminals, they are everywhere. It is the banks job, to step up, and put protection on our bank accounts. We all have to have them to live in America.
I am furious at my ex-husband, David Taggart, and his ex-wife, Sarah Kraemer. My beautiful stepdaughters, who loved me as much as I loved them, might grow up to be so damaged, due to their negligence. I raise those kids by myself for about four years. their dad stayed on the computer, for 16 hours a day, ignoring them. he invited his ex-wife, their biological mother, to live with us. she stayed on her phone the entire time, and I still did every single thing for those children. she has bad energy, bad motives, which I can feel, because of my Empath curse.
I finally decided to move out, because he would not make her leave. in the process of this, I got raped, by a predator, because I was looking for a room.
They both had promised, that I could stay in touch with my girls. yet, when I moved out, he never let me talk to them again. I came across some voicemails, from my daughter Emilyn, saying mommy, I love you, I miss you, where are you. three of them I had not seen in my mailbox.
I didn’t get closure, but more importantly they didn’t get closure. Sarah‘s second ex-husband, who was their stepfather, refused to acknowledge their presence when he and Sara we’re getting divorced. my baby, would say on FaceTime, daddy Dylan why are you want to talk to me, why don’t you love me anymore. Dillon Kraemer, that asshole, would completely ignore her presence. Not long after that, a few months to six months, I moved out, with the intent to come back when Sarah left. However he chose to have Sara stay, and never let me see the girls again. I was severely damage from childhood due to abandonment issues, and they are terrible parents, to doing these this things to my girls. I wrote a letter, asking if I could send them a letter or a recording giving them closure, and they did not allow it.
I was very fragile, the first time I came to Hawaii to say goodbye to my dying mother. I befriended someone I thought was very kind. We talked all the time, every day, he had me trust him, and I believed him. we grew, what I thought was very close, and he acted like a very close friend. (Whom I fell in love with and told him every step of the way exactly the trauma I had, fear of abandonment, how I felt, and we sexted a lot.. He promised he would be there for me, he promised he wouldn’t abandon me, up until the day I was on the flight to Hawaii. He picked me up from the airport, we had sex, and then he ghosted me. He did meet up with me, said he needed space from everyone, said he would be back, and joked it might be two hours. This was the day after I moved back, my sister was still being verbally abusive, and I had no one else, and my mom had less than a month to live. I am still in love with him, and it is interfering with the grief of my mom. he ghosted me in a way that I told him would hurt me the most, because that was the way that my ex-husband chose to torture me. By never responding, completely ignoring. he remains doing that, and I am unable to Move on, because I am so confused. I cannot trust my own intuition, because I did not see this coming. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get past this, my mind keeps returning to it. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out why, my logical brain keeps telling me that he broke every single promise he made, that he does not care, and you need to forget about him. However my heart, will not listen. this makes me very angry at myself. Somehow, this person had broken my ability to trust anyone. I still can’t. now I want to just isolate myself from everyone, it’s breaking my heart.
Well I think that this blog, help me sort my feelings out, so I feel better now. I know that I’m gonna still keep wondering what went wrong, why he lied, why he did this, what did I do to deserve this. On the day my mom died, I was completely alone. I was unable to get out of bed, crying, due to him walking away and abandoning the friendship. I lost that week with my mom, and then two weeks with her from coronavirus. I am glad she’s not suffering anymore, but how could someone be so cruel? I had nothing but compassion for him, which now that I’m calmer, I still have even more. Because he was very broken by the past, he caused me to be broken like him, so I know even more how he feels. This is the irony of being an empath.
In summary, fuck America, fuck ghosts, fuck cowards, fuck liars, fuck abusers. I feel like I might be on the edge of a nervous break down. I broke down crying the other day, and this morning, because mostly my sister my roommate my finances. and I got angry for the first time I can remember, tonight and it is 1 AM and I wake up at 4:30.
Inspiration