Inspiration

Regrets

My biggest regret of 2021 was saying yes. Yes to being a relationship at the worst time in my life, ruining anything I could have when I was at my best. Truthfully, I wasn’t a terrible girlfriend. I don’t think I have that in me, but I did not give him my best.

Horrible experience with Alex the other night. It’s not that he doesn’t want me, he doesn’t want anyone ever. I was talking to him about my feelings, and he reacted so badly when he thought he hurt me. He started spiraling. It was awful to see. I never wanted to make him feel like that, I never wanted to hurt him at all.

It is possible that I’m attracted to Alex because he’s dismissive and I’m anxiously attached. Alex is also done so much for me, he has been my hero throughout this whole experience. He helped me clean out my mom’s hoardy house, set up my desk, build me two computers, working on a third. He gave me monitors and a sound system. He helped me secure my house for the break-in, he picked me up when I got into the accident, he took me to find cars. But that’s not why I love him, it’s his soul, it’s beautiful. There’s this connection that is very strong, it’s hard to let go of. I loved him before all of this.

The dismissive anxious attraction has been the case for most of my relationships, except Nick. I’m going to California in February to be with Nick. My job keeps ignoring my request, so I’m just going to get the ticket. Nick offered to pay for it.

I got to say, I’m pretty devastated about Alex, but it is what it is. Going to California to get over it and move on.

Realizations

Came to some realizations yesterday.

I'm over Matt, I've moved on.

I'm in love with Alex, and he doesn't doesn't feel the same.

I lean towards monogamy, because when I fall in love, it's very deep and special.

My boyfriend, Nick, in California, is completely polyamorous. He's the most understanding person I've ever met. I'm very lucky to have met him.

It's unrealistic to hold onto feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same, but I finally understand why people don't remain friends after they break up. It's hard to be around someone you love, who doesn't want you.

I think I might have to take a break, try to let go of what isn't mine.

My mom called me boy crazy when I was in my 20s. 😅

Alex inspires me to be better and do better. He's a very positive influence. He has my back.

Untitled

Space Traveler from a Beautiful, Green, Lush Planet

I have a very good friend who happens to be my ex boyfriend. We weren’t *really* together, it was only long distance, but I love him very much.

He’s…. Unique in his beliefs and views. Being agnostic, it is an important value of mine to not judge anyone’s beliefs, within reason.

One night I was with him, he scanned my body for energy, told me that people dump all their negative energy on me, and I don’t need that shit. He wasn’t wrong.

He scanned my chakras and said my third eye and sacral we’re very open, but my throat chakra was blocked. He said that means I have trouble communicating. He very much isn’t wrong.

He then told me, oh! I’m a space traveler, and it’s my first time to earth. He says no wonder I have such a hard time here, I’m a noob. (I paraphrase). He said he has been here many times, but I’m new to this planet. My planet is a beautiful, kush, green planet with love and beauty everywhere. For some reason, I totally believe that is possible. It feels right. I am at peace with the beauty of nature, I despise cities and asphalt and love natural wonders, mountains, oceans, plants.

Every time I have a hard time, fir example when I feel my heart is too big for this world, meaning I love deeply and forever, and (at least I used to be) so caring and generous, I know why. I am a space traveler from a beautiful, lush, green planet. I often wish I can go back.

My house was burglarized. They got away with $8000+ of stuff, and scared me to my core. Hawaii had been bad luck for me since I moved back, starting with losing my best friend the 2nd day I was here…. Having to cut off my sister right after my mom died, my job turned to shit overnight, Keri died of a stroke, vehicle broke, work vehicle rear ended, breast lump, cervical cancer might be back, sexually harassed at work, electric bills are $500 for one person, getting my car keys stolen at best buy costing $300 to replace, and getting burglarized. My boyfriend Nick, sexy, sweet, cuddly polyamorous Nick, wants me to come to California to live with him, at least for a little while. I’m so tempted. All the problems will be here. I won’t have to pay rent or utilities. Just my bills. I will get non stop cuddles, and a ton of sweetness. The ghosts on the island will remain here.

I really do want to leave it all behind. I only trust a few people, Nick and Alex…. Of course Nick lives in the California desert so it’s not ideal but it wouldn’t be forever.

Definitely not lush and green like my planet. 😁

Happy New Years and Hope You Had a Wonderful Christmas

As we are about to ring in 2022, I assess how far I've come and how I've changed.

Beautiful Christmas dinner with my friend Alex. He really has turned out to be a wonderful friend. My house got broken into, he's trying to help me secure it. I ended up cooking all day yesterday, and he came and finished up the rest.

We watched a new Matrix, he thought it'd be funny because it's terrible. I just like that spending time with him, but I miss cuddles.

Matt emailed me, the one who shattered my world earlier this year. He said "Merry Christmas sandy, the word I was thinking of was fiduciary." I was like, "say what?" I didn't think he got to me, because at the time I didn't react much. But I woke up thinking about him, I don't know when that will ever stop.

The resolution that I made on January 1st, to work out, I kept. I work out almost every day, I've lost a ton of weight, I'm a size medium now. I was a size 22 before I started. I look pretty damn amazing, and I'm proud of it.

My boyfriend nick, who moved to California, wants me to come live with him. No paying rent or bills, it's very tempting. Especially after the break-in, but moving from into Hawaii is expensive. I would have to leave my stuff here, and with the break-in, it's scary. My house was robbed, my bag was stolen and some electronics. It was so easy, they just took out the jealousies and came in. Alex is trying to help me reinforce the windows. I'm getting an alarm system put in and security cameras. It's actually quite terrifying, to know someone can come in so easily. I was raped last year, and it is scary.

I know it's not thanksgiving, but I am thankful for Alex and Nick. They are almost the only two people I trust in the world. Which brings me to that goal, don't trust so easily, right? Turns out I trust almost no one, which is the other side of unhealthy. But it's just the way the year has gone. My friend Zach from Colorado, told me there's a lot of types of trust. I trust people at work with my stuff, they don't steal. But I wouldn't trust him with the secret. The one I trusted at work, turned out to be a very bad friend, and I'm very bad coworker. He drinks at work, think it's okay, and he's my resource for projects that I manage. I reported to HR and the president, they don't care. They have let this go on for 8 months, him drinking and them sweeping it under the rug. He's unreliable, he doesn't show up half the time, you never know when he's going to just not show up. And they expect me to manage projects with him as my resource.

I'm seriously loyal, and I take too long to leave a situation. I have updated my resume, but I've not sent it out as much as I would if didn't have the job. I loved it so much, and it changed so quickly.

I hope to be going to California in february, at least for a little while. Take a vacation, see Nick, get cuddles.

When it rains it pours

Also, I was really looking forward to making Christmas dinner for a very special friend. I took off work 2 days abd had been planning and preparing for 3 weeks.

My oven burnt the daylights out of cookies I put in for 5 mins at 200 degrees, so Christmas dinner is a no go. I put the turkey in the freezer abd it’s getting prepared on the third.

It’s hard to be strong right now.

Ghosts

Keri, I love you. You were so much like me. I saw your heart. You were hurt by your brother, you were hurt as a child by your evil uncle. Your brother was as much of an abusive person to you as my sister is to me.

You were sweet, you were an empath too, though you didn’t know what that meant. You were in the same type of abusive relationship I was for 8 years. Although it’s not what killed you, you never got to be free.

Last I saw you, you told me that your uncle raped you and your brothers, sisters, and nieces before he died. I saw the hurt little girl inside. I hugged you, listened to you, and gave you one of my journals and a beautiful pen so you could write. Before you left, I gave you a water, told you stay hydrated, hugged you and told you I loved you.

I had known you 22 years, and will miss you. RIP. ❤️❤️❤️

Defeated

I feel done here. Deflated. Defeated.

I don't have ties. People I've known for years have let me down, ghosted (Sebastian)...... He made plans to meet me and I never heard from him again. I've known him 6 years. I always had his back. People are flaky. I have few actual friends. My heart is going to be living in California and wants me to live with him.

The company I work for offered me a company car. I didn't get it yet. The owners son got into an accident so he is driving it. The company van I was driving was rear ended on the freeway. I wasn't hurt. I was very concerned about the driver's of the other car.

Turns my company customize the policy to not offer any roadside assistance. The insurance company they use does not have dispatch open on the weekends. They wanted me to pay for the tow and pay for the Uber. I'm really fed up with this company, I'm working from home and looking for a new job. I was assigned for projects last week as project manager, but they're not paying for training of course, I am. I'm taking a Google project management certificate, and then they assigned me four projects. To make it really fun, the sole resource engineer I have showed up drunk to work again. He's very unreliable and doesn't get much done. I like a challenge but this is ridiculous. Not only that but I can't finish the big project that I've been working on for this whole time and I was supposed to have a huge planned opening and presentation and it's not happening now. I almost completely built this ticketing system and rmm system, it was a huge deal. And now I can't finish it cuz I have to do this other stuff that is so late. Not only are my first big projects going to fail because they're already late, I can't rely on the people that are working for me.

I really need to get back to the habit of turning around the negative into the positive and pumping myself up. I just feel defeated because I'm stuck at home once again, I have no car once again. I found a new car before the president offered me a company car and so I didn't get it. It was sweet, 37000 miles.

Part of me thinks that getting a car is is a bad idea because it ties me to Hawaii, and Nick is in California. Nick would like me to come stay with him, and possibly live with him. He's amazingly sweet, he has a huge heart, I miss him like crazy.

There has been so much loss in Hawaii, so much heartbreak. I just feel done.

On friday, I had a dream that Matt and I were friends. I woke up and saw a text from him. I couldn't move for an hour, emotionally paralyzed. I felt sick all day, and it was like the pain of losing my mom all over again, due to the timing that he did that. I have achieved anger at him, because I have. I'm still broken due to the recklessness with my feelings.

Funny thing about Alex, I was right about him and wrong about him. When we were together and he was in New york, I pushed him away because I thought it would hurt me again. I always thought he wasn't relationship material. Turns out that was right. He is a really good friend though, I don't know if I can do it. I've gotten really good at cutting out people lately, hopefully it doesn't cut down too much. I've blocked three people in the last week said known for years. I used to be that I would never cut anyone out, I'm changing a lot, not all of it is good. A lot is good though. At work I've been described as a force, as overbearing, and as aggressive. I've never been described this way, it's almost funny. Work has made me into someone that I'm not really because it is ridiculous the way that is been run, they're running it into the ground. Allowing engineers to show up drunk for a year, allowing people to sleep on the job, fucking over people that are highly productive. No wonder why they're losing $250,000 a year on the IT department. I updated my resume and sent it out, I need to get more aggressive with that. I might just try to California I'm not sure yet.

Kryptonite

I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck emotionally. I couldn’t even get out of bed for 45 mins, barely drug myself to work. First morning I missed working out before work.

I had a dream about Matt. We were friends, we were close. Then I woke up. Saw a message sent months ago he had replied to. Yay, he’s alive. But he didn’t send it to me, it was an anonymous email address. I was just ghosted by a long term friend the other day, and it hurt me, but I didn’t cry. I did this morning. I am nauseous and devastated.

See, because of the timing and circumstances, Matt is inextricably linked to my mom’s death. This morning the grief is unbearable. Sure, society says that no one owes anyone anything, and people have no obligation to take care of each other…. That’s why I feel like I’m not made for this world. I’m not like that. I feel deeply and care even deeper. My heart is broken and it’s the confusing feeling of abandonment, grief, sadness, loss, everything that I sent through when he ghosted me, after he promised he’d never do that, right before my mom died. It’s that feeling all over again.

I’m not sure I still love him but I’m still deeply hurt. He’s become kryptonite.

Love is Complicated

There’s another writing on here about my ex. He’s very special to me. Known him for years, met him in Hawaii when I came to visit my mom. The connection was instantaneous and magical. He definitely has a very sexy control over me. Unfortunately, the timing was terrible. Matt, my best friend who ghosted me and shattered my world, had ghosted me that day. I accepted my ex’s ask to be his girlfriend when IO was not ready and not thinking straight. I felt terrible about that. The first time in Hawai, he had broken my heart. I didn’t trust him. He wasn’t even in the same state for the first several months of the relationship. It was so easy to have walls up when it was long distance. By the time he got back, I had convinced myself I needed to break up with him. I didn’t want to get hurt again, and I had started the relationship under questionable circumstances that I felt terrible about. I owed it to him to say it face to face, with kindness and empathy. The way he reacted when I asked to “roll it back” (not be monogamous, but keep the connection) was amazing and beautiful. Suddenly, all the worries, fears, guards, and walls came down. I was there in the moment with him, while he held me and we talked. At the end of the night, he gave me the biggest hug and said that our connection was too special to throw away. At that moment, I knew I had fallen in love with him. He had given me the first computer he had built for me a few days after, a belated birthday present. He had customized it and put so much thought and heart into it, it was the most meaningful gift I had received to that date. He put an arcade with all my favorite games I played when I was growing up; every Super Mario imaginable. He put music for meditation and to help with my insomnia. I was blown away; in a state of pure bliss. Several days later he said he couldn’t see me because he met someone new. It hurt me deeply, but he was going through a really rough time and I was the one who ended the official relationship, so in this, I hurt myself.

Months later, I started hanging out with him again. I got to know a side of him I never knew existed. He has helped me so much. He built me 2 new, very fast computers, helped me start to declutter my mom’s house (it’s a borderline hoard house), clear out room for a desk, set up the desk, set up a sound system, buy and install a washer and dryer, save my bed when my room flooded, mount my tv, etc. Acts of service is my second love language after physical touch, and this is very sexy, He’s fucking brilliant. Very handy, and creative. He mounted my tv from the top of my closet and it is perfect. I already loved him, and now I’m absolutely head over heels in love with him. He doesn’t want to give me another chance. He won’t explain why. He won’t tell me why he changed his mind after saying what we had was too special to throw away, either. All I want for him is to be happy, and when I thought that this new girl he found would make him happy, I accepted that. But he’s not happy, and he deserves it so much. I miss him, we never actually got to give it a fair shot, and that’s entirely on me. He’s a great friend nonetheless, and the best sex I’ve ever had. 🙂

I am so fortunate to have a boyfriend that I can tell all this to and he is 100% supportive. I love Nick Nick and my ex are almost opposites except that they both care about me and want me to be happy.

More reflections in Capitalism

Capitalism has failed people. An executive makes a bad decision that costs hundreds of thousands of people jobs, but he gets either a huge severance or maybe a bonus. Cutting people, treating people as disposable, yet somehow they still have to pay enormous bills and huge taxes.

My CEO boasted he was republican, and started talking about his my 37% tax rate was because of liberals and social programs.

Hmm… I pay 37% tax.

This is fucked up:

“U.S. federal income tax brackets range from 10% to 37% for individuals. In Canada, the range is 15% to 33%. In the U.S., the lowest tax bracket for the tax year ending 2019 is 10% for an individual earning $9,700 and jumps to 22% for those earning $39,476. The corresponding bottom Canadian bracket stays at 15% until $47,630. This is the bulk of the reason that lower-income Canadians are often better off than their American counterparts.”

How am I paying the absolute highest tax possible, abd still living paycheck to paycheck?
I mention this because
A.) Canada offers free healthcare
B.) They are happier, more peaceful, abd do not start wars.
3.) I apparently pay more income tax than Jeff Bezos
https://www.investopedia.com/financial-edge/0411/do-canadians-really-pay-more-taxes-than-americans.aspx

New Zealand, which has the highest quality of life, and takes care of it’s citizens, who don’t start fights and wars, has far less taxes than America. Meanwhile,

Ahh that’s it. I wonder how they refute that.

The point of this is that he was using the company car, which he claimed to be worth $9500 a year, as leverage to not give me a raise. The handbook prohibits it’s use for personal use. I gave no equity, no deduction. It is not worth anything near that.

The IT section of the company is very in the red. He says not to disclose it, so I will not. He used this as leverage to emotionally manipulate me into not asking for a raise if even 5-10k, even though that would be .02% of the money they lose yearly.

He's not taking into account the full picture. Not only is the IT department an MSP fir profit, it is there to support, protect, abd enable the internal company. They cannot function without technology.

He hasn't considered the cost they have already paid for lack of security. They have been victoms of social engineering to almost 100,000 more than once. They are being sued by a former client who got ransomware. That is ongoing. This barely scratches the surface.

At this point I don't even want to bring it up or how to mention it, after the way I was manipulated in Friday. He's measuring the wrong metrics.

Besides, they have been losing money for 10 years. I signed in and they were losing more. It hasn't anything to do with me, in fact, I have made a lot of money and progress for them. It's complete bullshit that he used their loss as a tactic.

I’m evaluating options, but I know that it isn’t the same. I have been burned, and will focus on me, getting training, building myself up.

Manipulation Games

I got lied to, I got played.
By my COMPANY, when I least expected it.
The first time I ever asked for a raise
My mom taught me to work hard to earn,
And I worjed my ass off.
AND I made a huge difference already.

It was scary but I asked for a raise, having two conversations, with confidence abd positivity

They seemed to go so well,
I felt valued, which made me shine abd more determined.
The CEO agreed to give me a car abd a raise.
I was blindsided when he not only offered less than my job offer, as he said he forgot that my current salary was a reduced probationary salary,
But he got offe def when I asked for a raise again.
He put me on the defensive, had me apologizing for saying I deserved it because I made a huge impact.

This was clear manipulation, when I go over the replay in my head.

Here are my take aways.
I am not cut out to be manager.
In order to turn things around, I must elevate my team before they will elevate their work.
No one sustains forced productivity.
Inspired productivity is infectious.

If I can't advocate for myself, I can't effectively advocate for my team.
They need a strong leader who not only has their back, as I do,
But plays the silly manipulation games that I don't know how to.
That I don't respect.
And I don't want to engage in.

How can a leader, a human,
Be both honest, authentic, abd demonstrate integrity,
And make promises they don't deliver, and break their word?
(They can't)
Undervalued, overworked
I feel like a used server he got at a clearance rate

Not only that, but in my one-on-ones with my team, they asked me to fight for them
For training, for fair pay
I don't stand a chance here,
He made a liar out of me and I can't lead that way.

I am genuine, honest, straight-forward, and non-manipulative
Although the world has crushed me fir this,
I actually admire this of myself
I don't respect manipulation and hands abd don't wish to engage in them

The older I get, the more like high school life becomes.
I was bullied on Friday, steamrolled by my leader.
What did he hope would come of that?

How so very silly that I got my heart broken by another company.

I’m done

I was so inspired, so determined, loyal, dedicated, unstoppable. I made a huge difference at my job in 3 months, got promoted to manager, was offered a car and a raise, no numbers were discussed. Today I finally get the counter, and it was $1 less per hour than my offer salary. A salary of robationary $26/hr with vague, minimum job duties, and 32/hr after 90 days, was the job offer I accepted. The president said a raise of $5 an hour. I ask if it’s on top of the agreed upon salary. He had completely forgotten that. No, its not. There is no raise. But he’d still like me to inspire, lead (babysit) the team to have my drive and work ethic, and to manage IT.

What happened following cost them an immeasurable amount. The lost my will. Or drive, heart, motivation, desire, love; there’s a hundred different words for what they lost, and I don’t have a way to describe it in one term. I WOULD have changed things. I had plans, I was already implementing them, I was going to enrich the team and train them and inspire them to be awesome. I don’t even want to come to work again. I loved the job the whole time.

This job wasn’t about money, it was about making a difference. I haven’t been able to pay rent abd utilities to my dad because my current bills and the cost of living in Hawaii, I’m still paycheck to oaych6. Now I have no escape.

Just this week I found a billing discrepancy that enabled them to bill for $15 k more a month, every month. Albeit the sales rep stole the credit and didn’t mention me, I had initially emailed the president about my findings, so he didn’t bother to read the email. Now I am supposed to turn things around, bring in revenue, and what is tantamount to babysit the team to get them to work and hold them accountable. The engineer who was my level when I started still makes $20k more than me a year. Abd I’ve been promoted to his manager. Abd he didn’t finish projects, abd I do.

I don’t know shat the future holds but it’s not what it was this morning.

Reassessing my progress

Being “dominant” is a limited resource for me. I am very good at my job. So much so, that on my 90 day review I was promoted to manager. St first, I was like no! I don’t want to give up tech to do boring stuff. But I still get to do tech work, engineering, projects; but they want me to turn the ship around, lead the team.

Admittedly I’ve done so much research during the Thanksgiving break. I basically have studied leadership fir 7/10 of the wake time since Wednesday afternoon 😅.

Leadership is a skill I don’t consciously have. I am great at inspiring others but never by intention. Now I have to turn around negative perspectives and a bare minimum viewpoint into something inspiring.

Labels….

On the subject of labels:
I'm of mixed opinion on labels. I have discovered that the LGBTQ community uses a lot of labels for different types of people and preferences. Same with BDSM. I used labels to not feel so left out. I was in to MBTI fir awhile, when I tested ENFP. I outgrew it as my awareness and self realization expanded. Now I retook the test and tested INFJ. I definitely would identify far more as an introvert now.

Some labels I have now are girlfriend, friend, boss, manager, rope bunny, submissive, baby girl, bi-sexual, pansexual (maybe), demisexual, sapiosexual, brat, introvert, intelligent, driven, 75% vanilla, loyal, authentic, genuine. I actually think I might have drifted from labels to adjectives there 😂.

Labels can be used to hurt, however, which is why I am conflicted. Some people like to label to isolate and separate, to alienate. When I was little I was labeled loner, weird, annoying, ditzy, bubbly, bimbo, bubble headed. This is clearly due to my appearance, beautiful, blonde, female.

I have been routinely underestimsted due to my appearance and my gender, especially in my career, in every job I've had after I had my own company. I finally found a place that recognizes how valuable I am, and they have given me a promotion from IT Engineer III to IT manager. I still have all the projects and engineering duties though, or I would hate it. 😂

I've historically shied away from leadership roles, but I think I'm ready. I really want to be a good, inspiring leader. I want to inspire and motivate. I want to appear confident and instill confidence. I'm very passionate and I'm in love with my job. I'd love to help others love their job too. The road ahead is a challenge, to inspire the complacent abd motivate the unmotivated. It's my next chapter.

Labels…. Rope bunny, submissive, demisexual, INFJ, sapiosexual, experimental, space traveller. 😅

MBTI, fluidity of personality

This year has changed me so much. I have become far more selective with the people I am around. I become drained by new people and too many people s lot more. I was curious and took the MBTI test. I tested INFJ. It actually fits who I have become now, way more than a carefree ENFP. I used to fit ENFP very well. I suppose it’s natural to be shaped by your experiences like erosion wears on stones.

Love, dating, being demisexual, yolo

I fell really hard for my sexy, sweet poly boyfriend. He moved last week for the military and I got to spend the last 2 weeks with him. His husband came back to Hawaii for legal paperwork, and I spent all weekend with them, and he held me the whole time. His husband is awesome, we went out with his husband's family and them to lunch and a movie on the last day I saw him, and he held me the whole time.

It was the most beautiful experience.

I've never met anyone like him. I learned all about polyamory, a little about kink and BDSM, and gender fluidity, understanding, and tolerance. I miss him so much, but he doesn't want me to be alone. So I'm dating. I got a corset (it's something he wants me to try as his submissive) and got so beautiful yesterday. I figured I shouldn't just stay in, so I went in tinder, and now I have 15 people to go out with in the next few weeks. It's a lot for someone with social anxiety, technically an extrovert, but probably the most introverted of extroverts.

I'd give it all up in a second to spend time with him. I didn't think I could feel this way again after Matt hurt me. I am so in love with my boyfriend though. 😍 He wants me to be happy, truly. This is what I've learned about polyamory, and it makes me think that monogamy is the unnatural thing.

I am bisexual, possibly pansexual, definitely demisexual, poly curious. I've never had a girlfriend, and when I care about someone it's with all I have. I think my boyfriend is perfect. All his unique qualities, all his imperfections, abd perfectly perfect to me. 😍 I really wish I could be with him, but now I have a chance to meet other people and make new connections until I see him again.

I don't know what the future holds but I want him in it. It makes me question leaving the country, but that's very important to me. I know with my current salary, I don't think I could save to move to a new country. I am receiving some of my mom's life insurance boolicy, technically with that 10k, I could leave the country right now, instead of getting a new car. I'd have enough starting money to begin a new life in a new country. But my heart is here, my heart is with him.

Adventures in Polyamory

My introduction into polyamory was wonderful, beautiful, and enamoring.

Met this wonderful, amazing man. On our 2nd date, he took me to a cat cafe to have tea and play with kittens. 😊

He said he was polyamorous. I didn't know exactly what that meant.

I've only ever done monogamy. My loyalty has never been questionable. In my marriage, I was miserable. My husband would never do exactly what I liked in bed, that was fine. But he stopped really touching me after a few years, and my love language is physical touch. I had asked for an open marriage, he said no. Basically, it felt like he wouldn't give me what I wanted, and I wasn't allowed to get it anywhere else. And he ended up cheating on me for almost a year, abd cancelling the car insurance I paid in full on a $35000 Subaru outback, leaving me funding out I was driving for a month without insurance during hail season. (What bothered me the most was the dishonesty and lack of integrity or consideration.)

I stayed so long for our kids and because I genuinely loved him. I've never had a problem with loyalty. I stayed far too long, only leaving after suffering with living with his selfish, manipulative ex wife did over a year.

I've always valued connection over all else, and my heart is so big. Romance mat come and go, but what stays for me is connection; which is why I get hurt if someone I care about cut off a connection when we broke up; even more so when I was ghosted by a best friend.

This weekend was beautiful. My boyfriend's husband came to Hawaii; he needed to take care of some legal paperwork. My boyfriend invited me to spend the weekend with them. I wasn't sure what to expect, I felt like I would have been intruding. Instead, we hung out all weekend, and he held me and cuddled me the whole time. Today we went out with his husband's family, him and his husband, abd he held me in front of all of them. It was an amazing feeling, true ethical non monogamy... He opened my eyes to something beautiful.

I am grateful my introduction to ethical non monogamy was such a good one, as I have heard stories of guys who cheat who say they are polyamorous. I gave learned (and always felt) that relationships if any kind are based on trust. If someone cheats, lies, or hides a relationship, it is a break of trust, and a disservice to all involved. It is very unfortunate that in my experience, the blame of this situation gets put on the "other woman", etc, instead of the cheater.

This was not the case. I have only ever experienced monogamy, and I am fully capable of it, however, having experienced this way of connection, it feels like a much better fit for me.

😍

To someone incredibly special to my heart

To you (you know who you are),

 
You are the only person I've ever met who was as cuddly as I am. You treat me so well, so respectfully and kindly. With so much thought and empathy, with the dominance I crave. 

Always checking in, so many kisses and hugs. You held me as much as I've ever wanted to be held. Your heart is so big, as big as mine is. Never an ounce of judgment, only sweetness and understanding. 

You have shown me things about myself; things I resonate with and things I enjoy. I never realize polyamory would fit me so well. 

You have spoiled me, set the bar so high. Yours will be a very tough act to follow. 

For all these reasons and thousands more, I love you so much. I will miss you with all my heart. 
❤️😍❤️

On the subject of gender differences in the workplace

I've worked in IT for 21+ years. I'm brilliant and I have incredible emotional intelligence in the job, which is what helps me be so effective. Much more so than many typical IT dudes.

Still, I've been underestimated and underpaid due to my gender.

In my new job, in which I have a lot of power and influence, I'm paid half as much as the male counterpart in the same roll. We have compared salaries. I get much more done, whole he just points out problems but does nothing to fix them.

And recently I was called "pretty lady" in front of all my techs, by the engineer who dies less abd is paid twice as much. I'm not reporting it as sexual harassment, as there are real cases and this wasn't the case for me. It was embarrassing and frustrating, undermining my credibility, in front of all the males I lead.

Sigh.... America

On confidence, Society’s Vanity, and inadequacy

Whenever I have been loved, it has been based on my physical appearance. This is widely true, most of society judges people based on looks and not their character or their heart.

I Seem to fit Society's standards of beauty, so while this bugs me, it is what it is.

Yesterday my boyfriend told me I wasn't his type physically. Ouch. I'm too tall, etc.

It doesn't matter to me that thousands of people I don't know tell me how beautiful I am if someone I love doesn't think I am.

These thoughts make be feel shallow, but I'm just feeling insecure.

Instead of getting ready and working out before lunch, I spent that time crying. Changed out of my workout clothes to regular unflattering work clothes and I'm writing this instead of going for my run.

About 2 years after I got married, my ex husband stopped calling me beautiful so I stopped believing I was.

And Matt... This person who broke me, whom I love so much.... He was really in to me until the day I got back. There were a lot of factors at play, logically probably nothing to do with my physical beauty. He picked me up from the airport, I was a mess. Southwest delays were over 7 hours, and I felt gross. The next day he stopped talking to me.

These are the things I am thinking about this morning.

I'm not feeling confident today. Nick would look down at me when he was holding me and tell me how beautiful I was. Now it feels like it was fake. 😕

Missing old friends

Today is one of those days I am thinking about Matt again. I think about him every day in some way or another. I have grown so much because of both what he has taught me, and the entire experience.

In this way, I cannot label it good or bad. I know if it didn't happen, I would have been happier and it would have been easier.

At the same time, complacency and happiness does not inspire growth; adversity does.

I am proud of myself for choosing the path of growth instead of letting it break me. I have grown more in the last year than my whole life in total, in many ways. This is a testament to my strength and resiliency.

So today when I r remember him, there's no sadness or unpleasantness, only gratitude and kind thoughts.

Gratitude

The president of my company found out my car died, and he offered me to use the company van and pay for repairs. Very grateful for things that happen. Trying to let go of the sadness, being grateful and laughing at everything (gebuinely funny things and adversity), really helps.

Reflections

Sometimes it takes sitting with yourself all day long, being silent, leaving on DND all day long, to find grounding and centering. I did that yesterday, while working hard to clean up my mom's house.

I like to out on some binaural beats mix of mellow music to help my mood, and breathe consciously while in this state. (The breathing slowly is something I do while running, slow, deep breaths.) I worked out a lot, and made a lot of progress of my mom's house. Sometimes I listen to poetry, there's this artist on Spotify, https://open.spotify.com/playlist/33CmWYkQtVZIjvO2fsKJz9?si=wEL_6bxHQ_GQIts_7pDQrA. Or I listen to sync mind, binaural beats music, with Sandhguru, he's very very wise. https://open.spotify.com/show/4d5AAqgYKDefgN6rTlfHaT?si=ZzzmDTFuR9CWfEPHozV3yQ

Tried once again to consciously break ties with loved ones I have lost, people I care about that I need to move on from. I visualized a cord being cut abd swept it away. But the connection is still there. Might need to sharpen my scissors. It's so hard for me to lose people I love. And yet nothing in life is permanent so I must learn this.

I was going to see someone I care about today, but they needed time to themselves, and this is important too. So I guess I'm just gonna chill today, might go to the gym. Would love to go to the North shore, but I'm using my company's van, and I'm not going to take advantage of their trust.

Have a peaceful day. Love, light, and happiness to everyone.

$$$ Hawaii!!! $$$

(note- this was in my drafts and I wrote it before I met Nick)

Lots of feelings on this subject. It is my home, where I grew up, and it has been exploited by people who don’t live here, buying a lot of the houses and driving the cost of living up for everyone.

It cost $10,000 to move back home. I did have my expectations set, and wanted to spend time with my sister and niece, now I can’t. I did not know that electricity would be $500!!!! Colorado, I paid 50$ for all utilities. My sister’s house, 5 bedroom mansion in Makakilo; pays 100$ for her electricity.

Need to ask for a raise, marry a military guy, or move to the mainland to afford the cost of living.

On the subject of military spousehood. I liked it. They paid for housing and utilities, health insurance. It helped me save so much money in the first place. If i could find the right person, it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibilities. It is very beneficial to be a beneficiary.

Ignorance

Woke up and thus guy who had been blowing my Snapchat up was at the top of the list. 

So I finally open his message.

He called me a dude, then persisted to message. 

Now this could be what us known as negging, or it could be transphobia, or just ignorance. Not worth my time to see. 

He was someone I met in OKC but hadn't spoken to yet. 
Don't be this guy.

Not that many see this, but if I’m wrong in anything, please call me out in it. In retrospect, I find a lot if my previous ideas to be inaccurate, as I grow and evolve.

So let me know if I was jumping to a conclusion. 🤣

Have a beautiful day!!!

Power of Positivity, Gratitude, overthinking

Power of positive thinking

My car is dead.
I used to focus on the negative more,
I'm grateful I am grateful,
It's positive that I can see the positive in things.

My transportation is gone.

So I can wake up later because there's no driving to work,
I have time to get the oven, washer, and other things fixed,
I have time to clean,
No traffic,
Can work out at home, no travel time,
Can work on improving written communication at work,
Less reliance on my charisma abd magnetism with in person charm.
I get to work from home.

Not going to think:
My dad called yesterday to say he wanted to get it repaired or buy me a new car,
Talked to my 'sister' abd changed his mind,
I have inclinations on that. 🤔

That I can't go out and explore nature without a car.

Working from home uses more electricity.
The house I am living in has a severe electrical problem. The first months electricity was $400!!!

That if I didn't leave Colorado, I'd still have my beautiful, RELIABLE Subaru Outback touring, That cost me 3000 to sell.

My sister had turned on me, after I shipped all my stuff, resigned my job, abd bought tickets.

That I had no trust in the car. But the law of attraction.... What if my thoughts on how much I didn't trust the car caused it to break. 😅🤣

That all the heartbreak, hurt and trust, has led me to how amazing I've become, abd led me to wonderful things like meeting Nick. Possibly being friends with Sebastian? 🤣 Beautiful souls like Toni, Steve, Keri. Thus job where I can make a huge difference. Back home where I can enjoy the beach, when I can get there.

Etc.

On overthinking:

Has had profound benefits of self reflection, progress, inspiration, and healing.

Side effects of occasional sleep loss and stress,

Today, luckily, sleep loss isn't an issue- due to working from home.

Must work on this for when I have to get uo at 4:30 am

On trust:

Hmm this one is still being worked on. I was focused on getting hurt. A very wonderful friend reminded me their is more than one form of trust. He said that he trusts people who look out for themselves.
😅 I asked him if that meant he didn't trust me, because I haven't quite gotten there yet.

He called me in a panic, apologizing, saying he didn't want to lose our friendship.
I did mean it entirely in a reflection, self improvement way,
So cute though, so sweet. I forgot why I liked him so much.
One of my favorite memories of Colorado was meeting Zach and the awesome adventures.

I believe the panic that ensues from fear if this one aspect if trust where I'm shaky on is unhealthy,

I gave trusted too easily before and have been advised to not do that,
So it feels like going from 100 to a 2-10 depending on the day.

But these are my own perspective, that keeps evolving.

I wonder what is a healthy level of trust? Because either way I've gotten hurt or possibly hurt others. This year has changed a lot. Quest continues...

10.24.21

Hurt I was,
Scarred, scared, but determined I am,
Strong and a powerful force for good I will be. 

I believe I have the power to make change in the world
I already make profound changes in people's lives, and isn't that wonderful?
I owe it to the world to be my best. 
I owe it to myself. 
Laughing helps.

I feel unsure and stuck, forgetting how far I've come. 

Until I see how very much I've changed, how much progress I've made. 

Good night

On time:
How can one be present in the moment when time is relative, made up by humans, and is based on the cyclical rotation if the sun?

If they mean not to overthink, then I have failed 😅

On the topic of LOVE

What does love mean to me? It doesn't seem to match society, it others I know. My version of Love varies widely.

I love almost everyone, in various degrees and different ways. If we haven't met my love for you is wishes of only the best, happiness, success, and health. If we have connected, you will always be in my heart.

Those are the more mild versions of ways in which I love. Then there are those who I love very deeply, my friends, certainly, deep connections I've had along the way, and romantic love, Never forgotten and always in my heart. I don't know how to stop loving someone.

To love me, means forgiveness of any mistakes, as I am determined to become better and be better for the world. I am very sorry for anyone I've hurt. If I am made aware of it, I will do better. The past does not define me, because I've changed so much this year alone, it's astonishing.

Love to me means to not be ghosted, or blocked. To accept me as I am and what I'll become. To value our connection and to not throw it away. Be sure I won't throw it away.

To not be judged, and to be gifted patience, as if you tell me something is bothering you, I will do better. I realize this is not love to most, but this is love to me. And on that note, I love you. 😁🤣😍

Cuddles

My love language is physical touch. When I’m with someone with the same, it’s amazing. Just cuddling on the couch right now I feel so peaceful and happy. ♥️

New people!

It felt a little like falling out of a plane the first time I tried to trust someone I knew for a long time after Matt ghosted. Im at my friend’s house, he’s awesome. But all of a sudden 3 people are coming over and I’ve been having a ridiculous panic attack and I’d rather be skydiving. 🤣

New connections

It’s easy aspie for me to connect to almost anyone, but hard as a brick for them to connect to me. I have a natural talent for it and gave become really good at it, to the point it’s automatic. Especially if someone needs support or healing.

But my first date with someone new I was lucky enough to find a very kind hearted person that I’ve been spending time with. He’s only here for slightly more than a month but he feels very safe, and that is the type of person that I need right now, during the initial healing process.

Trying to connect to a person I adore, who just moved back, but simply said one thing and did not follow through was maddening. Especially since he’s going through so much, he could use a friend like me, but he just is stuck in loneliness, unwilling to accept support.

Hmm, seeing it in this perspective, yeah I was there about 2 months ago. When my mom died, and I was lost. Crying every day, lonely but people were reaching out. I was at the point where I was just too scared to trust anyone, or even try, because Matt had caused my worst fear of my life become realized.

People were reaching out to me but it felt overwhelming and I felt paralyzed to respond. I hope it’s not the same for this long time friend, but I can’t assume so because that’s only guessing or projecting. Lately though, he’s just sent random, infrequent sad pictures or short messages, like he’s hurting it lonely. And then when I respond he’s hiding. At least in my perception.

I wonder if anyone who was trying to support me back then felt that way? Reflections ….

Stress

Work, personal life, sand finances have been quite stressful the last week. I am in no way being compensated enough for the tasks I’m facing at work, so I just have to figure out how to ask for a raise on my review. I’ve never done that before.

Our company’s CFO had their email breached. Multiple locations throughout the world had her email set up in their Outlook desktop app, mobile app, and access through web browsers. The free license

Gratitude

Some lost soul did something senseless, with malice, and gained nothing but a police target on her back.

And I observe everything with pure gratitude. This is my home. This is aloha. The security at Best buy in pearl city stayed an extra hour to help me find the tape of the girl who stole them. They were so kind, and even gave me a water and spoke to the police for me. The police were very very kind as well. They have her full name, address, SSN and all contact info because she was being watched for credit card fraud. Though I know the police likely won’t do anything, I’m still grateful for their kindness. And an outpouring if love from people I care about. So much support. O a wonderful new friend came immediately in her beautiful car and stayed with me for the tow truck it us 2 am and I am just home.

My wonderful boss allowed me to work from home tomorrow. I get to work on this amazing computer that my good friend built and customized for me for my birthday. I’m in awe of the support and so very grateful for everyone, fir the people who care, for aloha, and for some much kindness.

10.7.21 😁

Had a fantastic day. I did go to sleep at 12:15 am this morning and insomnia woke me up at 2:45 am, but I was able to gently set some pretty important boundaries and feel awesome. 😁

I had a long meeting with the president if the company and I have power. Mwahaha j/k. I can delegate project tasks to the sales staff. I swear I will be a benevolent leader to my minions 🤣

10.6.21 sanity check

I realized that the fallout from Matt had me untrusting everyone. People I’ve known for years. I just so happened to start talking to someone I’ve Loved for a long time, my old friend Sebastian. I met him when will you before I met my ex-husband. I mean him and I got along really well, the chemistry is amazing, and I always love him, he is a wonderful person. at that point in time I was a huge low, I was crying my eyes out, I couldn’t really get out of bed. My mom had just died, Matt had just abandoned me, and I wasn’t able to function. Sebastian had gotten married a few years ago, around the time that I married David. We haven’t talked since then. I just was lonely, and I saw that he had written me a few years ago and I missed it on hangouts. So I checked in with him I asked how he was, if he was happy in what was going on. first he said he was totally fine, then he admitted that he was miserable in his marriage. He went on to describe a verbally abusive and narcissistic relationship, that I recognize extremely well, because I went through it, and I’ve studied it for years. I just started asking him questions, trying to get him to see outside of what he was in. Questions like, are you happy, what do you want out of relationship, do you wanna be treated like that, do you think anyone deserves to be treated like that, that kind of thing. It’s a technique I’ve developed instead if advice, especially in an abusive relationship, as the victim often us made to feel crazy, and question their judgment. I’ve lived this.

Anyway I reminded him how amazing he is, sent him some articles about what he’s going through, let him know he wasn’t alone, I’ve been there, abd I’ll be there for him.

He wanted to talk to me about what I’ve been through and I told him pretty much everything, especially about Matt which what I was agonizing over. I was all alone, my mom just died, and there was no one there for me to talk to you. I mean people were reaching out, but I am having a really hard time trusting anyone due to losing trust from the aftermath of what happened with Matt. I told him everything, he said he wanted to be there for me, which scared me because that’s also what Matt said.

I told him that I loved him and I was there for him, because I do, not just as a friend, like I love everyone else, but he’s like the one that got away, to me. We almost got together, but just stayed friends. He was very special to me so I really really liked him and I loved him as a friend.

10.6.21

I’m hurt and scared and feeling reset to 0. I was scared to trust, decided to trust, and now I don’t know if it was safe. I can’t concentrate, I have a lot to do at work, and I’m a mess. Alone, again, always.