Letter to an old friend, in regards to my ridiculous way of being myself

Woke up in fear. Met someone new, great connection, he’s pcsing in a month and I know this. 
This is how ridiculous my brain has become. First off, it led me to the realization at actually you were the first connection I had since David, so that was probably the underlier. 
After you, for my own reasons, there were about 5 billion pieces of Sandy trying to to find t
heir way together. And then magically, or more appropriately through bravery inspired by survival, they just did. But in a way you would repair a broken figurine. 
It took several months to talk to anyone. Just started talking to myself. Goals, the whole thing. Lots if journaling, and voice recordings of my progress and setbacks. The first 2 times was to tell the voice in my head I wasn’t crazy (my sister would say that if I talked to myself verbally, it is the way I process thoughts.) Actually that’s a while other story, cut that bitch off months ago. Came to the realization that her (textbook verbal abuse) behavior had caused trauma early on. Wow. Set boundaries, to just stop and treat me with respect. After 5 violations, done, won’t be back. Has cost my niece, unfortunately, but she’s done so much more harm that good. 
So, stronger mostly, every day, not giving up. Enter Sebastian. I had been that week crying daily (sister ✂️), dad in town, came home crying from a dinner with him. First thing I saw, my neighbor from when I grew up had come by my mom’s house to just give me a hug and tell me she really really wanted to be there for me. Broke down in tears, crying. She was this 13 year old extremely introverted and sensitive little girl. Her dad, whom I had known my whole life, had passed away. I think I was 17 or 18. Whenever I saw her outside, smoking (he died of lung cancer) I would cross the street and tell her I was there fur her, if she ever wanted to talk, she’s say nah I’m good, and I’d go back home. Over months of this, showing that I genuinely care, because that is who I am, she finally cracked her she’ll a but, started to trust me, after several years, we became close. Then I moved. She heard about my mom and said she couldn’t stop thinking about me, said she loved me about 15 times, and begged me over and over. Tears at this point we’re of relief and gratitude. 
Then I opened a message from Judy, an old coworker. She also told me how much she loved me, and wanted to be there. Via text, smiled and said thanks, feeling that the love I have given to the works wasn’t fir nothing, after all. See, so very many people had been trying to reach out to me after my mom passed, but it was so overwhelming I had to basically filter it. Still yet, people do. Still overwhelming. One at a time. 
So Sebastian, Sebastian. Met him way before David. Major natural chemistry, crush, loved his soul, definite mutual natural connection. Sweet Sebastian. I saw a message from three years ago he sent in hangouts so I responded. He had gotten married after I did and we didn’t talk. I just said hey it’s Sandy and spilled my guts about my mom and other events surrounding. Told him I was I was at the point I couldn’t get out if bed, again. This was I believe my last day of bereavement, but I’m probably inaccurate. Emotion fuzzy brain. 
I asked if he was happy. He said he was great and I smiled. I asked how his marriage was. And he said, okay. I asked what do you mean, how are you feeling? He started off saying his badly he needed cuddles (we were both physical touch love language. The “wife person” had been using the deprivation if that for years. He went on to describe a very very manipulative, verbally abusive, very toxic marriage, and was in a state of, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she just is always so mean to me. Well, mark…. Nuff said. I told him it’s not his fault, gave him supporting articles, explained gaslighting, effects of verbal abuse, and told him there was nothing wrong with him. Healer Sandy. 
Well he actually listened, surprisingly, I was relieved. Reached out to check on him, he had talked to her, she gaslit again. Over the course of time, he had asked her for a divorce. He said he was in love with me, and what was thus new feeling? Fear? Hmm. Thus is new. I realized damn . . . New thing, fear if connection had found it’s way in. 🤣 So, with my new perspective and determination I said to him, uh I just discovered I was afraid to trust, afraid of connection. Fuck that shit, it’s new, I don’t have to stay here. (Akin to wet cement). 
New realizations if just exactly how very very very afraid I was came to light. All while my compassion grew for you as u thought this might be how you felt. Or feel. Or used to. Anyway, I started with very strong vulnerability, sharing some of my earlier recordings, before the pieces even found their way back. The first time, (as I still had no internet), I was at a home Depot in the way home from work, trying to use their wifi. 😅 I was physically shaking (hiding in the pot section of the garden area), and crying my eyes out while he listened to them. He came back with a lot of  support and kindness. Each time after that, slowly, became easier to breathe. Countless hours, he asked for more. Felt connected. “Trust”ish. Got to maybe 60%, decided that’s was the limit, and said kk I trust you. 🤨 Lol. Anyway, he was in San Diego, and the timing worked out with him being pcs’d to Hawaii. I was like, well I’d love to see you, it’s been forever, but it’s not a good idea, as I was still technically with Alex. Yes remember Alex, the nanobots guy who broke my heart in Hawaii right before I met you? Well I tried to break up with him a few days after I said yes, that same day I texted too much when I “mistakenly” thought that you were ending the friendship, delirious over no sleep for 3 days, and texted way too much. (It was the third time that trauma response had happened I believe with you, however the first were so compassionately received, I didn’t realize I was playing with baseball rules. And again, chuckling because there’s no way you are reading this, yet I’m speaking to thus friend I love dearly, whom has vanished into the ether, and will not likely read this. 
So after Alex reacted badly, given the situation with of his parents were dying simultaneously, topped with his father being physically and verbally abusive to his mother and him, a mean drunk, throwing bottles, I decided he clearly wasn’t in a place to hear this, it was my mistake, I had to own it and just wait to do it face to face, something I wish so desperately that someone with intention to end a relationship would provide to me, and is largely accepted as the right thing to do. 
Pinned that in a wall, providing daily check uns to help him cope, while never actually getting anything of value. You see, even in times when I needed support, such as the day my mom died, he just told me, I’m not good at this, just be string. Thanks buddy. Okay so rolling my eyes, finding at of no help. 
However, for reasons of my wonderful morality, (admittedly a bit if sarcasm was in the aforementioned adjective,) and because I asked Alex his boundaries, what “cheating” meant to him, which was hanging out with anyone male. Initially it had led to a breakup letter carefully written to make him feel wonderful or at least try. However, I had just knocked out the goal of facing fear of confrontation and spoke to him assertively, saying I am not comfortable being controlled like that. He reacted very well to that, said it didn’t sound like he had a choice, so I threw that breakup letter away and decided to think about it more. 
After that wordy side-story, returning to Sebastian and seeing him. I had wanted to give him the cuddles that had been used as a weapon against him, admitting I needed them just as badly as him. He was so thrilled. I said, unfortunately, it was 3 months and Alex wasn’t back yet, it would be against his rules, so it must wait until I was able to break up with him in a way that caused least harm. (there is a while blog post on his much agony I was in about causing harm). 
Well … Time passed. And then I get a message from Alex, I’m coming back Saturday. I message back saying okay I have plans for the next Saturday but I can change them to see him. He had plans to give me a computer he would build for me in the birthday I spent alone 5 days before my mom’s death. 
I thought it would be so selfish to let him work on with with this news I had to tell him. He responded that he was back in Hawaii since yesterday. Sheer panic set in. I had not planned the speech. 😆 Basically breaking down crying about what a terrible person I was to have caused harm by accepting this commitment at a point where my vulnerable state of mind accepted something I wasn’t ready for. With no regard for not allowing myself any kind of physical touch per his rules, even after expressing to him a handful of times that LTR’S were too hard for me, because I craved physical touch so much, and I had been deprived already from prior expectations not being met.  [Laughing as I write this because yes, to me thus sounds ridiculous as well]. 
Next day, said just fucking get it done, I owe him this. Got amazingly beautiful as always. (btw side note, I’ve lost a ton of weight, had you stuck to your promise of rewards for weight loss thing you cans uo with, you would be proud and have keef many rewards. My body is rocking now. Like right dress, mini skirts, confident as hell rocking. Exercise every day, at least the times I could get out if bed. It has transformed from the gym to breathing, and from night to early morning to accommodate my traffic avoidance (leave the house at 5:45 to beat traffic and head to work, go for a run or two uo and down and back up aiea valley, and then do until 7:30, take a shower at work, and  crush it at my job.  Yoga benefit’s: (literally and phys) core, and I’ve become very flexible as well. Plus I’m still kind of terrible at it, as it is new, so there’s the added benefit of facing my fear of being judged when I’m doing these YouTube mL