My Lost Friend….

Closure: I found answers and closure for myself. It hurt so much more than everything else because the connection was from my soul. 

I blocked him to move on. 

I'll always love him and have nothing but compassion for him. I wish him healing, but he lost his chance to be in my life. I'm a gift that he threw away. 

Chapter closed. 

I miss you more than words can say,
I think about you every day.

Wondering if this pain will ever end,
It was an honor to call you my friend.

It Feels like I lost part of my heart,
I'm trying not to fall apart.

I can't get over hurting you,
I wish I could know what you've been through.

I take comfort that you are safe,
You are doing what you have to do to feel okay. 

I forgive all promises broken,
I deeply mourn all words unspoken.

I care for you with all my being,
In this life all things are fleeting.

You gave me poetry, travel, passions from your heart, 
I was not ready to see you depart.

I love all of you purely, deep in my soul
I love you enough to let you go.

I miss you more than words can say, 
I think about you every day. 

               Sandy Boc, 9/5/2021

Intent: To reconnect with my friend, who means so much to me; or at least know what he wants, some resolution.

Left confused, without answers. He said to not assume, to take his word without reading into it. He stated he needed space from everyone, he’ll be back. As much as I try to forget him, my mind keeps returning.

Time is the most valuable thing in life, as it is the one thing you can never get back. This has left me so confused, I have spent endless hours with no resolution.

Intent: Redemption, forgiveness, a chance to be a better friend, make things right.

I’m experiencing such emptiness, hopelessness, and it’s so hard to concentrate about losing my friend. He is the best person I’ve ever met. I might not ever get any answers…

And on the topic of Momento Mori… He or I could die any day and we would never know. It’s really hard to apply Stoicism or anything else to losing him.

He had recommended that I make other friends. I have. While I enjoy the time with them especially when I help them feel better about themselves… There is no fulfillment after. I feel as empty and lonely as before.

1. To my friend, here are some questions to ask yourself, if you like:
2. How do you feel right now?
3. How would you like to feel?
4. what would make you happy?
5. Re: Friendships… What do you truly want in a friend relationship?
6. What are your fears?
7. What would help you or reassure you?
8. How do you want to feel in a friendship?
9. How do you want your friend to feel?
10. Think about and define a list of everything that makes you feel uncomfortable. This is the start of your boundaries.
11. Think about and define a list of everything you want out of friendship. These are your needs/wants.
12. Clearly communicate these to your friend.
    • I truly believe any person on Earth would be so blessed to know who you are and be in your world. I wish you joy, contentment, happiness, all good things. You are an amazing gift to this world, and people would be so much better off after knowing you. I know you don’t have a problem protecting yourself, but make sure to watch how you feel after an interaction with someone. If you feel drained and not better, they are probably not the right people for you. (I realize this includes me, but always, I will put your happiness above my own because of how much I care.

9.12.21

• UntitledFebruary 21, 2023
• Happiness, Love & His Little Agent of ChaosFebruary 21, 2023
  I suppose when someone is extremely happy, there’s not a ton to write about. Well, I know my boyfriend doesn’t believe in anything spiritual, or “woo”, but I might. The law of attraction…. I think my turning point was to study and open my mind to the teachings of Sadghuru. To start to think positive and be happy. I left the bad job, found a really great job. Remote work, schedule flexibility, a very senior title, great coworkers. I actually gave the guy who I had met in late 2020, the day after I met Nick, a shot. Turns outContinue reading “Happiness, Love & His Little Agent of Chaos”
• Waking up from a dream….October 8, 2022
  October, 2022. I just woke up from a dream about Matt. He just showed up and started talking like nothing happened. I was so happy to see him. I told him that I thought he hated me. He said to me. “how could you have thought that?” He is still haunting me. All his words don’t match his actions. It still hurts so much. Alex’s dad passed away, he’s leaving to new York. I’m going to be all alone here for a bit. Sometimes it hurts more than others. This is one of those times.
• (no title)August 23, 2022
• On other things…August 23, 2022
  Heard briefly from Matt. He has left Hawaii, I’ll never see him again. I wished him success and happiness. I did what Alex calls “the forgive” to Sebastian. He had gone MIA for MONTHS. No gaming online, nothing. I thought he had died. My sister’s boyfriend also had a lot of mental issues and was in the Navy, he committed suicide a few months ago. This likely colored my thoughts. I cried, grieved for Sebastian. Turns out, he just ghosted me again. I said goodbye and this time I blocked him on every platform. I resigned my job. I gaveContinue reading “On other things…”
• Happy birthday to me.August 23, 2022
• (no title)April 13, 2022
  https://enlightenedfaerie.wordpress.com/
• To be continued …April 13, 2022
  This site’s storage is full so I will continue blogging on englightenedfaerie.wordpress.com
• It’s been awhile…April 10, 2022
  It’s been awhile since I wrote anything. Mostly, I’ve been happy. Alex has become my best friend. I worked at Bishop museum for 2 weeks to cover for their tech while he was on vacation, and Alex brought me lunch three times in a week; he is so sweet. We’ve gotten really close. I love him so much. He took me flying drones and we spent all day together and he’s just really an awesome friend. We went to Chinaman’s Hat and ended up at Turtle Bay for sunset. He gives really good advice and he really cares. I’ve beenContinue reading “It’s been awhile…”
• UpdateMarch 22, 2022
• WarsMarch 3, 2022
  Russia VS Ukraine. This is in no way about me but I just met a sweet, happy guy m, who lives in Hawaii but is a a Russian citizen with all his family in Russia. I got an earful from Alex tonight, as he is also Russian and most of his friends are. It’s bad. Fuck Putin. Hopefully this doesn’t get me nurseries in the street on the middle of the night, but if someone were to just strategically assassinate Putin, wouldn’t it end this? Well if I were in a position to know this, I definitely would be breakingContinue reading “Wars”
• (no title)March 2, 2022
• (no title)March 2, 2022
• The month of February 😜March 2, 2022
• Sugar daddies from the universeFebruary 23, 2022
  After that date, I get back and check messenger. 3 guys I’ve never talked to on messenger offering to be my sugar daddy? A few months ago, I was selling my Moms scooter. My dad said $1000 so I listed it for that. It was in fair shape. I looked it up, 1300 new. Had a buyer already agreed to 1000. I messaged him and told him it wasn’t worth 1000, I’ll give it to him for 500. I felt bad taking advantage of a handicapped man. It was right after my house was robbed at Christmas. I got scoldedContinue reading “Sugar daddies from the universe”
• Wrapping upFebruary 23, 2022
  Nick had gone from understanding and supportive to cold, dismissive, and disloyal. He had gone from wanting me to move in and wanting me to be a life partner for months to throwing everything away in a week. The part that kills me is he knew everything that had happened with me. He knew about how much ghosting and dismissive behavior hurts me, and he knew all about my attachment anxiety and fear of abandonment. I confided in him.fir everything. And in the end, that is the path he chose to go. It hurts me to my very fire thatContinue reading “Wrapping up”
• Adventures in polyamory results in: No thanksFebruary 21, 2022
  My little experiment in polyamory started promisingly. The problem, I had a relationship with one person. When there was a misunderstanding, it becomes everyone’s business. It is very cliquy like high school and I hated it then, so much more so now. There was this guy who I dated once when Nick moved. He was very very onto me. I offered him a proposal to fool around when I got back to Hawaii. He was very eager. Lady night, he had a headache. 🙄 it’s not a tactic I use but it’s a classic nail out. I told him thatContinue reading “Adventures in polyamory results in: No thanks”
• As for exes….February 17, 2022
  When I have a strong, soul level connection with someone, if they choose to throw it away, when I finally heal, they don’t get another chance. This is my new rule. There is only one ex I would get back with in a second if he Gane me another chance. Technically I broke up with him. If you read my blog it’s obvious who this is. I need to harden myself. If someone breaks my heart, they don’t deserve me. I’m so generous, I’m so sweet, I love so deeply. I’m so loyal. More chances are something I need toContinue reading “As for exes….”
• SpaceFebruary 17, 2022
  Space. It’s not my thing. When I love someone, and feel secure, I blossom. I become so beautiful, and keep expanding it is limitless. My mom told me she was afraid I’d float off into space when I was growing up. She didn’t realize I was only able to do that because vsge was my anchor. When my anchor gets cut, I stop growing. It doesn’t feel safe to grow, when I don’t have anything to hold onto.
• Sensitivity and VulnerabilityFebruary 15, 2022
  I am sensitive, sure. The amount of armor and toughness completely depends on context. At my job, out of necessity, they think I’m aggressive, a force of nature. (Who is this girl she sounds tough lol) With the general public I’m kind but fairly tough, I’ve worked over the years so s typical stranger can’t make me cry… (Yep that took years of work 😅) With my loved ones, I’m vulnerable. However if I actually trust you, I have zero…. Zero defenses. I’m not ready for a fight, I’m only prepared to take care of, give affection and love. ThisContinue reading “Sensitivity and Vulnerability”
• PremonitionsFebruary 15, 2022
  Alex predicted all of this. It’s frickin eerie. He told me he heard Nick’s voice, and he knew everything he needed to know about him from that. I totally didn’t believe him at the time. He predicted that Nick would hurt me, that it would be in Valentine’s day, and that I would come back early. Everything has come true, and I didn’t see it coming at all. Very eerie how accurate he was. I’m so grateful for Alex’s friendship. He’s the only person I have left go trust in the world. He’s picking me up from the airport inContinue reading “Premonitions”
• PerspectiveFebruary 14, 2022
  Nick dumpd me on Valentine’s day. First of my mom’s birthdays after her death. After I come to visit him. He has all these stipulations if I want to fix the relationship. This morning, I just wanted reassurance. I was feeling very insecure. So I texted him. This is what I need to make amends for. I’m trying to see perspectives. I guess he doesn’t feel bad for breaking my heart, for rejecting me after I come to visit, while in the same week wanting me to give up everything and move in with him…. He doesn’t feel bad forContinue reading “Perspective”
• Getting dumped on Valentine’s dayFebruary 14, 2022
  Nick dumped me on Valentine’s day, the day after the first mom’s birthday since she died. I feel like an idiot for being here. Less than a week ago, he wanted me to move in with him. Still processing but this already has done a number on my ability to trust. He was one of 2 people I completely trusted. I had told him that he was my safe place. I feel like an idiot.
• Nihilism…February 11, 2022
  Disclaimer: based on my life experience That word. Cringe. First time I heard it was my husband, but that marriage lasted 4 years. Just heard it again. From the way David described it was no purpose for life, hopeless, no spirituality, no religion. I am not religious. (I believe that most of the evil on the planet is caused by organized religion. Fuck organized religion….) *** (Yes I realize evil is a concept made up by humans & is subjective. My definition of evil is: murder, pillage, take, carnage, war, inflicting suffering, poverty, greed, and the like is my basicContinue reading “Nihilism…”
• re: trustFebruary 11, 2022
  Last year changed the landscape of trust for me. When my mom passed, the number of people I could say I trusted plummeted to zero, and eventually rose to 2. I learned blood ties were nothing in relation to trust, that some people I loved so much and never doubted I could trust would be the very ones to do damage that may never repair, and that coming from a skeptical position on trusting new people might actually be generous. I have been made aware that there are many different definitions of trust. The one I refer to is toContinue reading “re: trust”
• Bringing my SunshineFebruary 8, 2022
  I have 2 people in this world that I love and trust with my whole heart. Nick and Alex. Nick is so happy I am here. That makes me very happy. Last month I told Alex that when he has to go back to New York I would be there for him to take care of anything I could for him. He has a hard road ahead of him there. He is the strongest person I know, yet last time New York broke him. Next time he goes, he will be dealing with all that, plus funeral arrangements and whoContinue reading “Bringing my Sunshine”
• Injustice and PrejudiceFebruary 6, 2022
  I sit here waiting for Nick with tears in my eyes. He was telling me about his girlfriend Lily. She thinks she has diabetes. She’s trying to gather evidence to go to the doctor. Why would she have to prove to the doctor that she has a disease, isn’t that the doctors job? The reason is transphobia. Doctors are more inclined to blame the patient than to do their job and treat medical conditions. This is absolutely heartbreaking.
• I’m leaving on a jet plane …February 5, 2022
  And I’ll be back in a month. Nick paid for me to fly up to California to stay with him for a month, and my job is letting me work from there. I’m in the airport bar, because I’m 1.5 hours early. I have memory association with this airport and my friend who ghosted me. I don’t understand how you become really close to someone, and you just leave without any explanation. I do not understand ghosting. I don’t even do it to someone I go out with one time. I’ve been missing him a lot lately. Up til now,Continue reading “I’m leaving on a jet plane …”
• Obsessed with the Hanauma Bay Hike 😛January 28, 2022
• GratitudeJanuary 23, 2022
  I am very lucky. I am lucky to be so fit, to be blessed with such beauty, and to be blessed with such kindness. I am very lucky to have grown up in a safe sheltered little town, for me to become like this. I’m very lucky that I did not grow up in brooklyn, where the world makes you very tough, and where people do not say they’re sorry or treat each other with kindness. I’m also very lucky to have a friend from Brooklyn, who is very protective and tries to keep me safe, who never has toContinue reading “Gratitude”
• PassionsJanuary 23, 2022
  Alex came over today to help me replace the security door before I go to California. We got to talking. He said on the surface I am amazing because I know so much, but what am I really passionate about? This entry is to try to process that. I’m passionate about plants and nature. The ocean. I’m passionate about my career, maybe not this particular job anymore, but I love IT. I love it because I have a natural talent for troubleshooting, problem solving, and I like to use that to help people and make a difference. I’m passionate aboutContinue reading “Passions”
• (no title)January 21, 2022
  There’s a lot that I’ve been thinking about but I found when I don’t write it down, it’s not as impactful. I wish I knew what an amazing person Alex was while I’m still with him, I wouldnt have thrown away what we had. He’s the most generous, thoughtful, sweet person, and I lost out on that. He is still an amazing friend though. I have decided to stay in hawaii, I found my connection here. I had woken up very early in the morning, 2:00 a.m. and went for a hike up the Hanauma Bay trail. It was thereContinue reading
• The End of the RoadJanuary 16, 2022
  My friendships mean the world to me. I am deeply loyal, generous, and I would do anything for my friends. Last year/this year I have lost many friendships, starting with Matt. The friendships that followed were by my choice in not putting up with being treated badly, lied to, manipulated, flaked on, or used. A couple were actually really good friendships, like my friend Steve, but it hurt so bad when he stopped talking to me right before my mom died, 2 days after Matt ghosted me. That wound is still very deep, but I will always love him. Yesterday,Continue reading “The End of the Road”
• On Boundaries and Teaching Others How to Treat UsJanuary 15, 2022
  I’ve known Sebastian from before I got married, and had a very special connection with him from the start. There was a lot of electrifying chemistry as well. I am heartbroken to say that it us the end of this very special friendship. I can’t allow myself to be treated like that anymore.
• Generosity 🥰😍January 13, 2022
• Happy New Year, 2022January 13, 2022
• Slut for Air; (I Am So Sick of Masks)January 13, 2022
• Coming backJanuary 11, 2022
  Sebastian reached out yesterday to apologize for ghosting me. I was happy, I’ve loved that guy for 6 years now. But I woke up so sad. Why am I so easy to discard when it’s convenient? They say you teach people how to treat you. What he did was not okay, he broke my heart. After what Matt did, how could he do the same. I want him in my life, I love him. But it us not okay to treat me like that, and I’m not sure how to teach that. 😥
• Apple and Not Holding OnJanuary 9, 2022
  I was an iPhone user for years. I wanted an iPhone before android had a voice assistant like Siri. I finally got one and was very happy with it. Less and less happy, the more restrictive they became, and the more they lost hardware features like the 3.5 mm jack. When I came to visit my mom in Hawaii when he was in hospice, I had started going to the beach every day after. It was medicine; therapy. I went snorkeling with my dad when he came down, and I went to put my phone far under the seat asContinue reading “Apple and Not Holding On”
• My connection to HawaiiJanuary 9, 2022
  I have come to a realization. Hawaii is a magical place for me …. only when I have connections here. Real, deep, loving connections. Without that, it is nothing. All my life in Hawaii, my mom had been here, so there was that. She passed, Matt left, and I was lost. There was Keri and I loved that girl, but she’s gone too. Alex wasn’t here, he was in New York during the beginning, so that wasn’t anything. Then he got back and stopped talking to me for months. I met Nick, and it was amazing. But Nick left too.Continue reading “My connection to Hawaii”
• RegretsJanuary 6, 2022
  My biggest regret of 2021 was saying yes. Yes to being a relationship at the worst time in my life, ruining anything I could have when I was at my best. Truthfully, I wasn’t a terrible girlfriend. I don’t think I have that in me, but I did not give him my best. Horrible experience with Alex the other night. It’s not that he doesn’t want me, he doesn’t want anyone ever. I was talking to him about my feelings, and he reacted so badly when he thought he hurt me. He started spiraling. It was awful to see. IContinue reading “Regrets”
• RealizationsJanuary 3, 2022
  Came to some realizations yesterday. I’m over Matt, I’ve moved on. I’m in love with Alex, and he doesn’t doesn’t feel the same. I lean towards monogamy, because when I fall in love, it’s very deep and special. My boyfriend, Nick, in California, is completely polyamorous. He’s the most understanding person I’ve ever met. I’m very lucky to have met him. It’s unrealistic to hold onto feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same, but I finally understand why people don’t remain friends after they break up. It’s hard to be around someone you love, who doesn’t want you. IContinue reading “Realizations”
• UntitledJanuary 2, 2022
• Space Traveler from a Beautiful, Green, Lush PlanetDecember 28, 2021
  I have a very good friend who happens to be my ex boyfriend. We weren’t *really* together, it was only long distance, but I love him very much. He’s…. Unique in his beliefs and views. Being agnostic, it is an important value of mine to not judge anyone’s beliefs, within reason. One night I was with him, he scanned my body for energy, told me that people dump all their negative energy on me, and I don’t need that shit. He wasn’t wrong. He scanned my chakras and said my third eye and sacral we’re very open, but my throatContinue reading “Space Traveler from a Beautiful, Green, Lush Planet”
• Happy New Years and Hope You Had a Wonderful ChristmasDecember 26, 2021
  As we are about to ring in 2022, I assess how far I’ve come and how I’ve changed. Beautiful Christmas dinner with my friend Alex. He really has turned out to be a wonderful friend. My house got broken into, he’s trying to help me secure it. I ended up cooking all day yesterday, and he came and finished up the rest.We watched a new Matrix, he thought it’d be funny because it’s terrible. I just like that spending time with him, but I miss cuddles.Matt emailed me, the one who shattered my world earlier this year. He said “MerryContinue reading “Happy New Years and Hope You Had a Wonderful Christmas”
• When it rains it poursDecember 24, 2021
  Also, I was really looking forward to making Christmas dinner for a very special friend. I took off work 2 days abd had been planning and preparing for 3 weeks. My oven burnt the daylights out of cookies I put in for 5 mins at 200 degrees, so Christmas dinner is a no go. I put the turkey in the freezer abd it’s getting prepared on the third. It’s hard to be strong right now.
• GhostsDecember 20, 2021
  Keri, I love you. You were so much like me. I saw your heart. You were hurt by your brother, you were hurt as a child by your evil uncle. Your brother was as much of an abusive person to you as my sister is to me. You were sweet, you were an empath too, though you didn’t know what that meant. You were in the same type of abusive relationship I was for 8 years. Although it’s not what killed you, you never got to be free. Last I saw you, you told me that your uncle raped youContinue reading “Ghosts”
• DefeatedDecember 18, 2021
  I feel done here. Deflated. Defeated. I don’t have ties. People I’ve known for years have let me down, ghosted (Sebastian)…… He made plans to meet me and I never heard from him again. I’ve known him 6 years. I always had his back. People are flaky. I have few actual friends. My heart is going to be living in California and wants me to live with him. The company I work for offered me a company car. I didn’t get it yet. The owners son got into an accident so he is driving it. The company van I wasContinue reading “Defeated”
• KryptoniteDecember 17, 2021
  I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck emotionally. I couldn’t even get out of bed for 45 mins, barely drug myself to work. First morning I missed working out before work. I had a dream about Matt. We were friends, we were close. Then I woke up. Saw a message sent months ago he had replied to. Yay, he’s alive. But he didn’t send it to me, it was an anonymous email address. I was just ghosted by a long term friend the other day, and it hurt me, but I didn’t cry. I did this morning.Continue reading “Kryptonite”
• Love is ComplicatedDecember 15, 2021
  There’s another writing on here about my ex. He’s very special to me. Known him for years, met him in Hawaii when I came to visit my mom. The connection was instantaneous and magical. He definitely has a very sexy control over me. Unfortunately, the timing was terrible. Matt, my best friend who ghosted me and shattered my world, had ghosted me that day. I accepted my ex’s ask to be his girlfriend when IO was not ready and not thinking straight. I felt terrible about that. The first time in Hawai, he had broken my heart. I didn’t trustContinue reading “Love is Complicated”
• More reflections in CapitalismDecember 5, 2021
  Capitalism has failed people. An executive makes a bad decision that costs hundreds of thousands of people jobs, but he gets either a huge severance or maybe a bonus. Cutting people, treating people as disposable, yet somehow they still have to pay enormous bills and huge taxes. My CEO boasted he was republican, and started talking about his my 37% tax rate was because of liberals and social programs. Hmm… I pay 37% tax. This is fucked up: “U.S. federal income tax brackets range from 10% to 37% for individuals. In Canada, the range is 15% to 33%. In theContinue reading “More reflections in Capitalism”
• Manipulation GamesDecember 5, 2021
  I got lied to, I got played. By my COMPANY, when I least expected it. The first time I ever asked for a raise My mom taught me to work hard to earn, And I worjed my ass off. AND I made a huge difference already.It was scary but I asked for a raise, having two conversations, with confidence abd positivity They seemed to go so well, I felt valued, which made me shine abd more determined. The CEO agreed to give me a car abd a raise. I was blindsided when he not only offered less than my jobContinue reading “Manipulation Games”
• I’m doneDecember 3, 2021
  I was so inspired, so determined, loyal, dedicated, unstoppable. I made a huge difference at my job in 3 months, got promoted to manager, was offered a car and a raise, no numbers were discussed. Today I finally get the counter, and it was $1 less per hour than my offer salary. A salary of robationary $26/hr with vague, minimum job duties, and 32/hr after 90 days, was the job offer I accepted. The president said a raise of $5 an hour. I ask if it’s on top of the agreed upon salary. He had completely forgotten that. No, itsContinue reading “I’m done”
• Reassessing my progressNovember 27, 2021
  Being “dominant” is a limited resource for me. I am very good at my job. So much so, that on my 90 day review I was promoted to manager. St first, I was like no! I don’t want to give up tech to do boring stuff. But I still get to do tech work, engineering, projects; but they want me to turn the ship around, lead the team. Admittedly I’ve done so much research during the Thanksgiving break. I basically have studied leadership fir 7/10 of the wake time since Wednesday afternoon 😅. Leadership is a skill I don’t consciouslyContinue reading “Reassessing my progress”
• Labels….November 25, 2021
  On the subject of labels: I’m of mixed opinion on labels. I have discovered that the LGBTQ community uses a lot of labels for different types of people and preferences. Same with BDSM. I used labels to not feel so left out. I was in to MBTI fir awhile, when I tested ENFP. I outgrew it as my awareness and self realization expanded. Now I retook the test and tested INFJ. I definitely would identify far more as an introvert now.Some labels I have now are girlfriend, friend, boss, manager, rope bunny, submissive, baby girl, bi-sexual, pansexual (maybe), demisexual, sapiosexual,Continue reading “Labels….”
• Labels…. Rope bunny, submissive, demisexual, INFJ, sapiosexual, experimental, space traveller. 😅November 25, 2021
• MBTI, fluidity of personalityNovember 25, 2021
  This year has changed me so much. I have become far more selective with the people I am around. I become drained by new people and too many people s lot more. I was curious and took the MBTI test. I tested INFJ. It actually fits who I have become now, way more than a carefree ENFP. I used to fit ENFP very well. I suppose it’s natural to be shaped by your experiences like erosion wears on stones.
• Love, dating, being demisexual, yoloNovember 21, 2021
  I fell really hard for my sexy, sweet poly boyfriend. He moved last week for the military and I got to spend the last 2 weeks with him. His husband came back to Hawaii for legal paperwork, and I spent all weekend with them, and he held me the whole time. His husband is awesome, we went out with his husband’s family and them to lunch and a movie on the last day I saw him, and he held me the whole time. It was the most beautiful experience. I’ve never met anyone like him. I learned all about polyamory,Continue reading “Love, dating, being demisexual, yolo”
• Adventures in PolyamoryNovember 14, 2021
  My introduction into polyamory was wonderful, beautiful, and enamoring. Met this wonderful, amazing man. On our 2nd date, he took me to a cat cafe to have tea and play with kittens. 😊 He said he was polyamorous. I didn’t know exactly what that meant. I’ve only ever done monogamy. My loyalty has never been questionable. In my marriage, I was miserable. My husband would never do exactly what I liked in bed, that was fine. But he stopped really touching me after a few years, and my love language is physical touch. I had asked for an open marriage,Continue reading “Adventures in Polyamory”
• To someone incredibly special to my heartNovember 14, 2021
  To you (you know who you are), You are the only person I’ve ever met who was as cuddly as I am. You treat me so well, so respectfully and kindly. With so much thought and empathy, with the dominance I crave. Always checking in, so many kisses and hugs. You held me as much as I’ve ever wanted to be held. Your heart is so big, as big as mine is. Never an ounce of judgment, only sweetness and understanding. You have shown me things about myself; things I resonate with and things I enjoy. I never realize polyamoryContinue reading “To someone incredibly special to my heart”
• On the subject of gender differences in the workplaceNovember 4, 2021
  I’ve worked in IT for 21+ years. I’m brilliant and I have incredible emotional intelligence in the job, which is what helps me be so effective. Much more so than many typical IT dudes. Still, I’ve been underestimated and underpaid due to my gender. In my new job, in which I have a lot of power and influence, I’m paid half as much as the male counterpart in the same roll. We have compared salaries. I get much more done, whole he just points out problems but does nothing to fix them. And recently I was called “pretty lady” inContinue reading “On the subject of gender differences in the workplace”
• On confidence, Society’s Vanity, and inadequacyNovember 4, 2021
  Whenever I have been loved, it has been based on my physical appearance. This is widely true, most of society judges people based on looks and not their character or their heart. I Seem to fit Society’s standards of beauty, so while this bugs me, it is what it is. Yesterday my boyfriend told me I wasn’t his type physically. Ouch. I’m too tall, etc. It doesn’t matter to me that thousands of people I don’t know tell me how beautiful I am if someone I love doesn’t think I am. These thoughts make be feel shallow, but I’m justContinue reading “On confidence, Society’s Vanity, and inadequacy”
• Missing old friendsNovember 3, 2021
  Today is one of those days I am thinking about Matt again. I think about him every day in some way or another. I have grown so much because of both what he has taught me, and the entire experience. In this way, I cannot label it good or bad. I know if it didn’t happen, I would have been happier and it would have been easier. At the same time, complacency and happiness does not inspire growth; adversity does. I am proud of myself for choosing the path of growth instead of letting it break me. I have grownContinue reading “Missing old friends”
• GratitudeOctober 31, 2021
  The president of my company found out my car died, and he offered me to use the company van and pay for repairs. Very grateful for things that happen. Trying to let go of the sadness, being grateful and laughing at everything (gebuinely funny things and adversity), really helps.
• ReflectionsOctober 31, 2021
  Sometimes it takes sitting with yourself all day long, being silent, leaving on DND all day long, to find grounding and centering. I did that yesterday, while working hard to clean up my mom’s house. I like to out on some binaural beats mix of mellow music to help my mood, and breathe consciously while in this state. (The breathing slowly is something I do while running, slow, deep breaths.) I worked out a lot, and made a lot of progress of my mom’s house. Sometimes I listen to poetry, there’s this artist on Spotify, https://open.spotify.com/playlist/33CmWYkQtVZIjvO2fsKJz9?si=wEL_6bxHQ_GQIts_7pDQrA. Or I listen toContinue reading “Reflections”
• $$$ Hawaii!!! $$$October 30, 2021
  (note- this was in my drafts and I wrote it before I met Nick) Lots of feelings on this subject. It is my home, where I grew up, and it has been exploited by people who don’t live here, buying a lot of the houses and driving the cost of living up for everyone. It cost $10,000 to move back home. I did have my expectations set, and wanted to spend time with my sister and niece, now I can’t. I did not know that electricity would be $500!!!! Colorado, I paid 50$ for all utilities. My sister’s house, 5Continue reading “$$$ Hawaii!!! $$$”
• IgnoranceOctober 27, 2021
  Woke up and thus guy who had been blowing my Snapchat up was at the top of the list. So I finally open his message.He called me a dude, then persisted to message. Now this could be what us known as negging, or it could be transphobia, or just ignorance. Not worth my time to see. He was someone I met in OKC but hadn’t spoken to yet. Don’t be this guy. Not that many see this, but if I’m wrong in anything, please call me out in it. In retrospect, I find a lot if my previous ideas toContinue reading “Ignorance”
• Power of Positivity, Gratitude, overthinkingOctober 25, 2021
  Power of positive thinkingMy car is dead. I used to focus on the negative more, I’m grateful I am grateful, It’s positive that I can see the positive in things. My transportation is gone.So I can wake up later because there’s no driving to work, I have time to get the oven, washer, and other things fixed, I have time to clean, No traffic, Can work out at home, no travel time, Can work on improving written communication at work, Less reliance on my charisma abd magnetism with in person charm.I get to work from home. Not going to think:MyContinue reading “Power of Positivity, Gratitude, overthinking”
• 10.24.21October 24, 2021
  Hurt I was,Scarred, scared, but determined I am,Strong and a powerful force for good I will be. I believe I have the power to make change in the worldI already make profound changes in people’s lives, and isn’t that wonderful?I owe it to the world to be my best. I owe it to myself. Laughing helps. I feel unsure and stuck, forgetting how far I’ve come. Until I see how very much I’ve changed, how much progress I’ve made. Good night On time:How can one be present in the moment when time is relative, made up by humans, and isContinue reading “10.24.21”
• On the topic of LOVEOctober 24, 2021
  What does love mean to me? It doesn’t seem to match society, it others I know. My version of Love varies widely.I love almost everyone, in various degrees and different ways. If we haven’t met my love for you is wishes of only the best, happiness, success, and health. If we have connected, you will always be in my heart.Those are the more mild versions of ways in which I love. Then there are those who I love very deeply, my friends, certainly, deep connections I’ve had along the way, and romantic love, Never forgotten and always in my heart.Continue reading “On the topic of LOVE”
• CuddlesOctober 18, 2021
  My love language is physical touch. When I’m with someone with the same, it’s amazing. Just cuddling on the couch right now I feel so peaceful and happy. ♥️
• New people!October 16, 2021
  It felt a little like falling out of a plane the first time I tried to trust someone I knew for a long time after Matt ghosted. Im at my friend’s house, he’s awesome. But all of a sudden 3 people are coming over and I’ve been having a ridiculous panic attack and I’d rather be skydiving. 🤣
• New connectionsOctober 15, 2021
  It’s easy aspie for me to connect to almost anyone, but hard as a brick for them to connect to me. I have a natural talent for it and gave become really good at it, to the point it’s automatic. Especially if someone needs support or healing. But my first date with someone new I was lucky enough to find a very kind hearted person that I’ve been spending time with. He’s only here for slightly more than a month but he feels very safe, and that is the type of person that I need right now, during the initialContinue reading “New connections”
• StressOctober 14, 2021
  Work, personal life, sand finances have been quite stressful the last week. I am in no way being compensated enough for the tasks I’m facing at work, so I just have to figure out how to ask for a raise on my review. I’ve never done that before. Our company’s CFO had their email breached. Multiple locations throughout the world had her email set up in their Outlook desktop app, mobile app, and access through web browsers. The free license
• GratitudeOctober 8, 2021
  Some lost soul did something senseless, with malice, and gained nothing but a police target on her back. And I observe everything with pure gratitude. This is my home. This is aloha. The security at Best buy in pearl city stayed an extra hour to help me find the tape of the girl who stole them. They were so kind, and even gave me a water and spoke to the police for me. The police were very very kind as well. They have her full name, address, SSN and all contact info because she was being watched for credit cardContinue reading “Gratitude”
• 10.7.21 😁October 7, 2021
  Had a fantastic day. I did go to sleep at 12:15 am this morning and insomnia woke me up at 2:45 am, but I was able to gently set some pretty important boundaries and feel awesome. 😁 I had a long meeting with the president if the company and I have power. Mwahaha j/k. I can delegate project tasks to the sales staff. I swear I will be a benevolent leader to my minions 🤣
• 10.6.21 sanity checkOctober 6, 2021
  I realized that the fallout from Matt had me untrusting everyone. People I’ve known for years. I just so happened to start talking to someone I’ve Loved for a long time, my old friend Sebastian. I met him when will you before I met my ex-husband. I mean him and I got along really well, the chemistry is amazing, and I always love him, he is a wonderful person. at that point in time I was a huge low, I was crying my eyes out, I couldn’t really get out of bed. My mom had just died, Matt had justContinue reading “10.6.21 sanity check”
• 10.6.21October 6, 2021
  I’m hurt and scared and feeling reset to 0. I was scared to trust, decided to trust, and now I don’t know if it was safe. I can’t concentrate, I have a lot to do at work, and I’m a mess. Alone, again, always.
• Kindness!October 3, 2021
  A wonderful person came and cleaned this up while I was sleeping. 😍
• (no title)September 24, 2021
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• The ethics of ghostingSeptember 24, 2021
  http://www.ethicssage.com/2018/12/has-ghosting-become-an-acceptable-standard-of-behavior.html
• Anger??!!!September 23, 2021
  I’ve never felt anger like this before. It’s a workday and I’ve been angry cleaning the house and there is no sleep in sight. It’s everything all in one. My “sister”, SAMANTHAA DICK, her verbal abuse, (name-calling, belittling, judging, silent treatment, spreading gossip and shit talk) for 22 years; my ex bitch roommate, BARB MATTINGLEY-GAUL, who bullied me, threatened violence, when I told her my mom was dying, she said get the fuck over it and grow up… And now she’s extorting me for money, about $200, to send my mom’s locket back that I accidentally left there. If IContinue reading “Anger??!!!”
• 9.21.21September 21, 2021
  What I was is not who I will be. Dont focus on the past, improve, do better. always improve
• Stoicism on abuseSeptember 18, 2021
  youtube.com/watch
• Yelling at Children (Verbal Abuse) – Consumer Health News | HealthDaySeptember 18, 2021
  We’ve all heard the adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” Yet name-calling does hurt — especially when the person doing it is a parent, a teacher, or a coach. Hollering might strike you as a natural and effective form of discipline if you were brought up with … — Read on consumer.healthday.com/encyclopedia/children-s-health-10/child-development-news-124/yelling-at-children-verbal-abuse-648565.html
• What Is Verbal Abuse? | HealthyPlaceSeptember 18, 2021
  Verbal abuse is the only type of abuse that can affect every single person. Get the definition of verbal abuse. Find out what is considered verbal abuse. — Read on http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/verbal-abuse/what-is-verbal-abuse
• The Long-Term Effects of Adult Sibling BullyingSeptember 18, 2021
  You know that sinking feeling all too well. You’re expected to make an appearance at an upcoming family gath — Read on psychcentral.com/blog/the-long-term-effects-of-adult-sibling-bullying
• The Long-Term Effects of Adult Sibling BullyingSeptember 18, 2021
  You know that sinking feeling all too well. You’re expected to make an appearance at an upcoming family gath — Read on psychcentral.com/blog/the-long-term-effects-of-adult-sibling-bullying
• To contemplate: What Is Psychological Invalidation? How It Happens And Its Effects | RegainSeptember 18, 2021
  What Is Psychological Invalidation? How It Happens And Its Effects | Regain — Read on http://www.regain.us/advice/psychology/what-is-psychological-invalidation-how-it-happens-and-its-effects/
• How to Recognize Sibling Abuse – Inspired ForwardSeptember 18, 2021
  There are several types of abuse. Some are more common and obvious than others. No matter what, sibling abuse is not your fault, and you can get out. — Read on http://www.inspiredforward.com/sibling-abuse/
• Emotional Invalidation: A Form of Emotional Abuse – Live Well with Sharon MartinSeptember 18, 2021
  Emotional invalidation is painful. Sometimes it’s unintentional, but it’s a sign of emotional abuse when done repeatedly and intentionally. — Read on http://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/emotional-invalidation-emotional-abuse/
• How to Cut All Ties From a Verbally Abusive Adult SiblingSeptember 18, 2021
  How to Cut All Ties From a Verbally Abusive Adult Sibling — Read on oureverydaylife.com/cut-ties-verbally-abusive-adult-sibling-9038.html
• Toxicity in the city!September 18, 2021
  system of a down lyric. This is an audio about today 9.18.21

9.13.21. I’m back to my heart hurting and missing him. What have I done in my life to deserve the way he treated me? 😢 Feeling sad, heartbroken.