WTF – Inspiration

It’s been awhile…

It’s been awhile since I wrote anything. Mostly, I’ve been happy. Alex has become my best friend. I worked at Bishop museum for 2 weeks to cover for their tech while he was on vacation, and Alex brought me lunch three times in a week; he is so sweet. We’ve gotten really close. I love him so much.

He took me flying drones and we spent all day together and he’s just really an awesome friend. We went to Chinaman’s Hat and ended up at Turtle Bay for sunset. He gives really good advice and he really cares.

I’ve been REALLY into gardening lately. It’s very fulfilling and therapeutic. I have an extremely green thumb, and I love plants.

Very haphazard drip irrigation system for my vegetable garden

Nick hurt me pretty badly, but Alex was there for me and didn’t let me get down or get to into it, I’m pretty much healed from that. Although it hurt really bad in the beginning. Without Alex I don’t think I could have made it through this easily.

The security guard at allied security services (the airport’s security vendor) stole my cell phone and wallet when it was turned into him after I flew back from California.)!/ A female airport employee contacted me on Facebook in response to a post, and said that she had found my cell phone wallet in the bathroom and turned it into the security guard. She identified him, but the attorney general’s office dropped the case. I am suing them in small claims court. It’s really f***** up when someone abuses their position of authority like that.

Now on to the Harmful Effects of Ghosting

When I get ghosted, it damages my trust. Nick damaged my trust so much, he and Alex were the only people I trusted at the time. He had told me that he would never ghost me right before I went to California.

When I trust someone and they ghost me, my mind goes between hurt, irritation (because it’s like wasting my time, and time is the most valuable thing because it’s the one thing you can never get back); and worried about their safety/if they’re hurt or dead.

In december, I thought Carrie was ghosting me, but she had died. It’s not the first time that our friends died of me like that.

I have been waiting for Sebastian all day, I gave up my entire Sunday to spend time with him, and he is a no call, no show, again. I’m hurt and at the same time so worried that he’s hurt, in the hospital or something happened to him.

Every time, save for the last time when I finally saw him when we went fishing, he has stood me up. The last 2 times he’s stood me up, he’s ghosted. Last time it was for months. I thought we had an understanding. I don’t know why I put myself through this.

I think I have a problem; Alex said that my picker was broken. I seem to like the guys who treat me like garbage. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I had thought that Nick was different, but turns out he was the same or worse in the end. More fallout from Nuclear Matt.

I’m so lucky that I have Alex as my friend, he’s my rock. Of course I’m still in love with him, but I love him completely. As a friend and more, and I’m very happy he’s my best friend.

Wars

Russia VS Ukraine. This is in no way about me but I just met a sweet, happy guy m, who lives in Hawaii but is a a Russian citizen with all his family in Russia. I got an earful from Alex tonight, as he is also Russian and most of his friends are. It’s bad. Fuck Putin. Hopefully this doesn’t get me nurseries in the street on the middle of the night, but if someone were to just strategically assassinate Putin, wouldn’t it end this?

Well if I were in a position to know this, I definitely would be breaking the law to be blogging about it. Putin is the same as Trump, more like Trump idolizes Putin. This world would be better without those two sacks of garbage.

Fuck dictator strong men, killers, tyrant, cult leaders (yes I’ve definitely strayed to describing Drumph, I’ll focus on topic). Yes the fat leader of North Korea, yes the shirtless bald “president “of Russia, yes the tyrant of Turkey, and the asshole in Venezuela. All you corrupt, piece of garbage excuses for human beings, including the toupeed racist ex president of the US, and the current weasel we have in office, I have much more respect for the flying cockroach than I have for all of you, combined.

This is an angry post, but when it comes to mass killing, genocide, I get angry. There’s absolutely nothing I can do. Even leaving the corruption in the United States won’t change the bullshit in the rest of the world. It’s terrible. War is fucking terrible. There’s no excuse. Not since world war 2, (I could be wrong, just off the top of my head) Vietnam was bs, desert storm was about oil, this never ending war (us VS “terrorism”) is about greed, and so is —- and I don’t watch the news so this is a guess—- this bullshit with Russia invading Ukraine)

Fuck war. Why the hell do humans have to be so violent. In my enneagram 9, peacemakers opinion, war makes us less evolved. Diplomacy, actual COMMUNICATION, dialogue, coexisting,..is a higher way of being. Fighting, cats do it, so do dung Beatles.

Not that anyone reads this, this blog is my diary. But at least once, I don’t have to think for shame America (until I find out what underhanded play America made to fuck this up too. That’s just me showing a bit of jade)

Wrapping up

Nick had gone from understanding and supportive to cold, dismissive, and disloyal. He had gone from wanting me to move in and wanting me to be a life partner for months to throwing everything away in a week.

The part that kills me is he knew everything that had happened with me. He knew about how much ghosting and dismissive behavior hurts me, and he knew all about my attachment anxiety and fear of abandonment. I confided in him.fir everything.

And in the end, that is the path he chose to go.

It hurts me to my very fire that he would do this, but he is human. And it shows who he really is. There is not really any going back from using your worst fears someone confided in you, PROMISING not to ghost, and then doing it.

Goodbye Nick, that was pretty fucked up. I definitely have come out of this badly burned, and there was no reason it had to be so. My trust has taken major hits.

Alex says he doesn’t trust anyone. I am pretty sure he does trust me though. For protection of my heart, maybe I don’t trust anyone (other than people who have earned it over a long time)…. I don’t want to be plagued with panic attacks about trusting either. I had panic attacks about trusting Nick when I first met him, and he knows all about that as well. Hopefully I get to the point where I don’t trust and don’t want to do it’s all chill. 😉

Adventures in polyamory results in: No thanks

My little experiment in polyamory started promisingly. The problem, I had a relationship with one person. When there was a misunderstanding, it becomes everyone’s business. It is very cliquy like high school and I hated it then, so much more so now.

There was this guy who I dated once when Nick moved. He was very very onto me. I offered him a proposal to fool around when I got back to Hawaii. He was very eager. Lady night, he had a headache. 🙄 it’s not a tactic I use but it’s a classic nail out. I told him that he seemed hesitant so the offer was rescinded. Because he’s in the damn clique.

I hate cliques, I really do. Whether they are mean girls, or apparently even anime nerds, cliques function to exclude others. I was always left out. And if I was in the clique, I would leave to hang out with people who are more interesting. Not who the group thinks is awesome, but who is actually awesome. I’ve always been wary of group think.

I still believe I have some tendencies for poly. I can absolutely love more than one person. I love many. I didn’t think I got jealous, but apparently I kind of do when that person decides that it’s you they don’t want. 😂 Nick didn’t want to have sex with me, but left the house to drop me off at the airport with lube, rope, sex toys, visiting friends in Dan Diego. I am sensing an alternate motive other than he’s not interested in sex.

I am deciding whether or not to sever the way back treats me, while calling it friendship. I have many lists, to organize my thoughts. I have cut contact off until Friday.

I’ve really made my decision, inspired and approved by Alex, I’m making it into a new goal. ❤️ To immediately remove myself from any situation that isn’t treating me right. No ties 😂 (Personally anyway, professionally the timing is more strategic) ❤️. Nick has been making me feel awful and I deserve better. He’s like a damn high school mean girl, and I always hated mean girls. I might be judging too harshly, but I am the one being judged by the mean girls without hearing my side. That’s what mean girls do. 😂 damn I hated that about high school.

Cliques are definitely a trigger for me. I was actually processing my past traumas over voice recording yesterday, and one of the big ones was when I was the outcast/outsider in catholic school. Everyone was so mean to me, because I was sweet and the smartest in the class and way too scared to stand up for myself. It didn’t matter I was already a black belt. I was a social doormat. In the wild, the weakest link gets attacked.

Good riddance to high school and anyone in a multiple person relationship unless they are an adult who makes their own damn decisions. Sorry, I’m really not sorry. I’m on a relationship with one person, it’s only with them. Please don’t ask me to talk to your husband because you have been talking behind my back. That is a problem you have created. Capishe?

Injustice and Prejudice

I sit here waiting for Nick with tears in my eyes.

He was telling me about his girlfriend Lily. She thinks she has diabetes. She’s trying to gather evidence to go to the doctor.

Why would she have to prove to the doctor that she has a disease, isn’t that the doctors job?

The reason is transphobia. Doctors are more inclined to blame the patient than to do their job and treat medical conditions.

This is absolutely heartbreaking.

The End of the Road

My friendships mean the world to me. I am deeply loyal, generous, and I would do anything for my friends. Last year/this year I have lost many friendships, starting with Matt. The friendships that followed were by my choice in not putting up with being treated badly, lied to, manipulated, flaked on, or used. A couple were actually really good friendships, like my friend Steve, but it hurt so bad when he stopped talking to me right before my mom died, 2 days after Matt ghosted me. That wound is still very deep, but I will always love him.

Yesterday, Sebastian stood me up, after I set a clear boundary that it would be his last chance. No call, no show. 6 year special connection and deep friendship, ended due to his lack of respect for my time and my feelings. I’m so hurt, I bought a bunch of plants and today I’m going to plant a garden. 🙂

I have had the hardest time trusting people. It started after Matt ghosted. It was the most vulnerable I ever was, and he promised he would never abandon me. He knew very well of my childhood abandonment fears, it was my worst fear, next to my mom dying, and that all came true at once.

I was at the point I couldn’t get out of bed, because I was so devastated, when I started talking to my old friend Sebastian. I told him what has happened, and he decided he wanted to help heal me. I realized I was terrified to trust anyone now, which was the first time in my life that had happened. So I was radically vulnerable with him. He helped me through that, and for that time, he was the only person I trusted.

He was moving back to hawaii with the Navy in a few weeks, and really wanted to see me. We made plans, fell through, no big deal. Not when its here or there, but when its a pattern, the impact increases. The last 6 times he stood me up, there was no notification, no phone call. But he would talk to me the day after. (As I write this, I realize that was already way over the line and I should have not have let it get that far.)

The time before this, he was supposed to meet me after work, he had confirmed in the morning. Then I call, no response, I left a message. That was the last time I heard from him until a week later, I called from a blocked number. He answered, and when he heard my voice, he hung up. I had been ghosted. A month and a half goes by, I get a Google chats of him saying he was so fucking sorry. That his mental illness caused him to treat me like that. I told him that I have so much compassion for his BPD, and he knew that. But mental illness is not an excuse for acting like an asshole. I debated whether to give him another chance for a few days, and I came to the conclusion the friendship was important enough for one more chance.

Oops, he did it again. I knew it was coming from my jaded intuition, but it still broke my heart. No call, no notification, no show. I am sticking to my boundary I set, the friendship is over. Another one bites the dust. I can’t allow people in my life to treat me that way. I don’t expect anyone to give me the same kind of loyalty and generosity I give them. I do expect to be treated with respect.

Time for the gardening.

When it rains it pours

Also, I was really looking forward to making Christmas dinner for a very special friend. I took off work 2 days abd had been planning and preparing for 3 weeks.

My oven burnt the daylights out of cookies I put in for 5 mins at 200 degrees, so Christmas dinner is a no go. I put the turkey in the freezer abd it’s getting prepared on the third.

It’s hard to be strong right now.

Ghosts

Keri, I love you. You were so much like me. I saw your heart. You were hurt by your brother, you were hurt as a child by your evil uncle. Your brother was as much of an abusive person to you as my sister is to me.

You were sweet, you were an empath too, though you didn’t know what that meant. You were in the same type of abusive relationship I was for 8 years. Although it’s not what killed you, you never got to be free.

Last I saw you, you told me that your uncle raped you and your brothers, sisters, and nieces before he died. I saw the hurt little girl inside. I hugged you, listened to you, and gave you one of my journals and a beautiful pen so you could write. Before you left, I gave you a water, told you stay hydrated, hugged you and told you I loved you.

I had known you 22 years, and will miss you. RIP. ❤️❤️❤️

Manipulation Games

I got lied to, I got played.
By my COMPANY, when I least expected it.
The first time I ever asked for a raise
My mom taught me to work hard to earn,
And I worjed my ass off.
AND I made a huge difference already.

It was scary but I asked for a raise, having two conversations, with confidence abd positivity

They seemed to go so well,
I felt valued, which made me shine abd more determined.
The CEO agreed to give me a car abd a raise.
I was blindsided when he not only offered less than my job offer, as he said he forgot that my current salary was a reduced probationary salary,
But he got offe def when I asked for a raise again.
He put me on the defensive, had me apologizing for saying I deserved it because I made a huge impact.

This was clear manipulation, when I go over the replay in my head.

Here are my take aways.
I am not cut out to be manager.
In order to turn things around, I must elevate my team before they will elevate their work.
No one sustains forced productivity.
Inspired productivity is infectious.

If I can't advocate for myself, I can't effectively advocate for my team.
They need a strong leader who not only has their back, as I do,
But plays the silly manipulation games that I don't know how to.
That I don't respect.
And I don't want to engage in.

How can a leader, a human,
Be both honest, authentic, abd demonstrate integrity,
And make promises they don't deliver, and break their word?
(They can't)
Undervalued, overworked
I feel like a used server he got at a clearance rate

Not only that, but in my one-on-ones with my team, they asked me to fight for them
For training, for fair pay
I don't stand a chance here,
He made a liar out of me and I can't lead that way.

I am genuine, honest, straight-forward, and non-manipulative
Although the world has crushed me fir this,
I actually admire this of myself
I don't respect manipulation and hands abd don't wish to engage in them

The older I get, the more like high school life becomes.
I was bullied on Friday, steamrolled by my leader.
What did he hope would come of that?

How so very silly that I got my heart broken by another company.

On the subject of gender differences in the workplace

I've worked in IT for 21+ years. I'm brilliant and I have incredible emotional intelligence in the job, which is what helps me be so effective. Much more so than many typical IT dudes.

Still, I've been underestimated and underpaid due to my gender.

In my new job, in which I have a lot of power and influence, I'm paid half as much as the male counterpart in the same roll. We have compared salaries. I get much more done, whole he just points out problems but does nothing to fix them.

And recently I was called "pretty lady" in front of all my techs, by the engineer who dies less abd is paid twice as much. I'm not reporting it as sexual harassment, as there are real cases and this wasn't the case for me. It was embarrassing and frustrating, undermining my credibility, in front of all the males I lead.

Sigh.... America

Ignorance

Woke up and thus guy who had been blowing my Snapchat up was at the top of the list. 

So I finally open his message.

He called me a dude, then persisted to message. 

Now this could be what us known as negging, or it could be transphobia, or just ignorance. Not worth my time to see. 

He was someone I met in OKC but hadn't spoken to yet. 
Don't be this guy.

Not that many see this, but if I’m wrong in anything, please call me out in it. In retrospect, I find a lot if my previous ideas to be inaccurate, as I grow and evolve.

So let me know if I was jumping to a conclusion. 🤣

Have a beautiful day!!!