Category Archives: values

Wars

Russia VS Ukraine. This is in no way about me but I just met a sweet, happy guy m, who lives in Hawaii but is a a Russian citizen with all his family in Russia. I got an earful from Alex tonight, as he is also Russian and most of his friends are. It’s bad. Fuck Putin. Hopefully this doesn’t get me nurseries in the street on the middle of the night, but if someone were to just strategically assassinate Putin, wouldn’t it end this?

Well if I were in a position to know this, I definitely would be breaking the law to be blogging about it. Putin is the same as Trump, more like Trump idolizes Putin. This world would be better without those two sacks of garbage.

Fuck dictator strong men, killers, tyrant, cult leaders (yes I’ve definitely strayed to describing Drumph, I’ll focus on topic). Yes the fat leader of North Korea, yes the shirtless bald “president “of Russia, yes the tyrant of Turkey, and the asshole in Venezuela. All you corrupt, piece of garbage excuses for human beings, including the toupeed racist ex president of the US, and the current weasel we have in office, I have much more respect for the flying cockroach than I have for all of you, combined.

This is an angry post, but when it comes to mass killing, genocide, I get angry. There’s absolutely nothing I can do. Even leaving the corruption in the United States won’t change the bullshit in the rest of the world. It’s terrible. War is fucking terrible. There’s no excuse. Not since world war 2, (I could be wrong, just off the top of my head) Vietnam was bs, desert storm was about oil, this never ending war (us VS “terrorism”) is about greed, and so is —- and I don’t watch the news so this is a guess—- this bullshit with Russia invading Ukraine)

Fuck war. Why the hell do humans have to be so violent. In my enneagram 9, peacemakers opinion, war makes us less evolved. Diplomacy, actual COMMUNICATION, dialogue, coexisting,..is a higher way of being. Fighting, cats do it, so do dung Beatles.

Not that anyone reads this, this blog is my diary. But at least once, I don’t have to think for shame America (until I find out what underhanded play America made to fuck this up too. That’s just me showing a bit of jade)

Manipulation Games

I got lied to, I got played. 
By my COMPANY, when I least expected it. 
The first time I ever asked for a raise 
My mom taught me to work hard to earn, 
And I worjed my ass off. 
AND I made a huge difference already.

It was scary but I asked for a raise, having two conversations, with confidence abd positivity 

They seemed to go so well, 
I felt valued, which made me shine abd more determined. 
The CEO agreed to give me a car abd a raise. 
I was blindsided when he not only offered less than my job offer, as he said he forgot that my current salary was a reduced probationary salary, 
But he got offe def when I asked for a raise again. 
He put me on the defensive, had me apologizing for saying I deserved it because I made a huge impact. 

This was clear manipulation, when I go over the replay in my head. 


Here are my take aways. 
I am not cut out to be manager. 
In order to turn things around, I must elevate my team before they will elevate their work. 
No one sustains forced productivity. 
Inspired productivity is infectious.

If I can't advocate for myself, I can't effectively advocate for my team. 
They need a strong leader who not only has their back, as I do,
But plays the silly manipulation games that I don't know how to.
That I don't respect. 
And I don't want to engage in. 

How can a leader, a human,
Be both honest, authentic, abd demonstrate integrity,
And make promises they don't deliver, and break their word? 
(They can't)
Undervalued, overworked
I feel like a used server he got at a clearance rate

Not only that, but in my one-on-ones with my team, they asked me to fight for them 
For training, for fair pay
I don't stand a chance here, 
He made a liar out of me and I can't lead that way. 


I am genuine, honest, straight-forward, and non-manipulative
Although the world has crushed me fir this, 
I actually admire this of myself
I don't respect manipulation and hands abd don't wish to engage in them 

The older I get, the more like high school life becomes. 
I was bullied on Friday, steamrolled by my leader.  
What did he hope would come of that? 

How so very silly that I got my heart broken by another company.

Reassessing my progress

Being “dominant” is a limited resource for me. I am very good at my job. So much so, that on my 90 day review I was promoted to manager. St first, I was like no! I don’t want to give up tech to do boring stuff. But I still get to do tech work, engineering, projects; but they want me to turn the ship around, lead the team.

Admittedly I’ve done so much research during the Thanksgiving break. I basically have studied leadership fir 7/10 of the wake time since Wednesday afternoon 😅.

Leadership is a skill I don’t consciously have. I am great at inspiring others but never by intention. Now I have to turn around negative perspectives and a bare minimum viewpoint into something inspiring.

Adventures in Polyamory

My introduction into polyamory was wonderful, beautiful, and enamoring. 

Met this wonderful, amazing man. On our 2nd date, he took me to a cat cafe to have tea and play with kittens. 😊 

He said he was polyamorous. I didn't know exactly what that meant. 

I've only ever done monogamy. My loyalty has never been questionable. In my marriage, I was miserable. My husband would never do exactly what I liked in bed, that was fine. But he stopped really touching me after a few years, and my love language is physical touch. I had asked for an open marriage, he said no. Basically, it felt like he wouldn't give me what I wanted, and I wasn't allowed to get it anywhere else. And he ended up cheating on me for almost a year, abd cancelling the car insurance I paid in full on a $35000 Subaru outback, leaving me funding out I was driving for a month without insurance during hail season. (What bothered me the most was the dishonesty and lack of integrity or consideration.)

I stayed so long for our kids and because I genuinely loved him. I've never had a problem with loyalty. I stayed far too long, only leaving after suffering with living with his selfish, manipulative ex wife did over a year. 

I've always valued connection over all else, and my heart is so big. Romance mat come and go, but what stays for me is connection; which is why I get hurt if someone I care about cut off a connection when we broke up; even more so when I was ghosted by a best friend. 

This weekend was beautiful. My boyfriend's husband came to Hawaii; he needed to take care of some legal paperwork. My boyfriend invited me to spend the weekend with them. I wasn't sure what to expect, I felt like I would have been intruding. Instead, we hung out all weekend, and he held me and cuddled me the whole time. Today we went out with his husband's family, him and his husband, abd he held me in front of all of them. It was an amazing feeling, true ethical non monogamy... He opened my eyes to something beautiful. 

I am grateful my introduction to ethical non monogamy was such a good one, as I have heard stories of guys who cheat who say they are polyamorous. I gave learned (and always felt) that relationships if any kind are based on trust. If someone cheats, lies, or hides a relationship, it is a break of trust, and a disservice to all involved. It is very unfortunate that in my experience, the blame of this situation gets put on the "other woman", etc, instead of the cheater. 

This was not the case. I have only ever experienced monogamy, and I am fully capable of it, however, having experienced this way of connection, it feels like a much better fit for me. 

😍

Reflections

Sometimes it takes sitting with yourself all day long, being silent, leaving on DND all day long, to find grounding and centering. I did that yesterday, while working hard to clean up my mom's house. 

I like to out on some binaural beats mix of mellow music to help my mood, and breathe consciously while in this state. (The breathing slowly is something I do while running, slow, deep breaths.) I worked out a lot, and made a lot of progress of my mom's house. Sometimes I listen to poetry, there's this artist on Spotify, https://open.spotify.com/playlist/33CmWYkQtVZIjvO2fsKJz9?si=wEL_6bxHQ_GQIts_7pDQrA. Or I listen to sync mind, binaural beats music, with Sandhguru, he's very very wise. https://open.spotify.com/show/4d5AAqgYKDefgN6rTlfHaT?si=ZzzmDTFuR9CWfEPHozV3yQ

 Tried once again to consciously break ties with loved ones I have lost, people I care about that I need to move on from. I visualized a cord being cut abd swept it away. But the connection is still there. Might need to sharpen my scissors. It's so hard for me to lose people I love. And yet nothing in life is permanent so I must learn this. 


I was going to see someone I care about today, but they needed time to themselves, and this is important too. So I guess I'm just gonna chill today, might go to the gym. Would love to go to the North shore, but I'm using my company's van, and I'm not going to take advantage of their trust. 

Have a peaceful day. Love, light, and happiness to everyone.


10.24.21

Hurt I was,
Scarred, scared, but determined I am,
Strong and a powerful force for good I will be. 

I believe I have the power to make change in the world
I already make profound changes in people's lives, and isn't that wonderful?
I owe it to the world to be my best. 
I owe it to myself. 
Laughing helps.
I feel unsure and stuck, forgetting how far I've come. 

Until I see how very much I've changed, how much progress I've made. 

Good night 
On time:
How can one be present in the moment when time is relative, made up by humans, and is based on the cyclical rotation if the sun? 

If they mean not to overthink, then I have failed 😅

On the topic of LOVE

What does love mean to me? It doesn't seem to match society, it others I know. My version of Love varies widely.

I love almost everyone, in various degrees and different ways. If we haven't met my love for you is wishes of only the best, happiness, success, and health. If we have connected, you will always be in my heart.

Those are the more mild versions of ways in which I love. Then there are those who I love very deeply, my friends, certainly, deep connections I've had along the way, and romantic love, Never forgotten and always in my heart. I don't know how to stop loving someone. 

To love me, means forgiveness of any mistakes, as I am determined to become better and be better for the world. I am very sorry for anyone I've hurt. If I am made aware of it, I will do better. The past does not define me, because I've changed so much this year alone, it's astonishing. 

Love to me means to not be ghosted, or blocked. To accept me as I am and what I'll become. To value our connection and to not throw it away. Be sure I won't throw it away. 

To not be judged, and to be gifted patience, as if you tell me something is bothering you, I will do better. I realize this is not love to most, but this is love to me. And on that note, I love you. 😁🤣😍