Category Archives: kindness

Labels….

On the subject of labels: 
I'm of mixed opinion on labels. I have discovered that the LGBTQ community uses a lot of labels for different types of people and preferences. Same with BDSM. I used labels to not feel so left out. I was in to MBTI fir awhile, when I tested ENFP. I outgrew it as my awareness and self realization expanded. Now I retook the test and tested INFJ. I definitely would identify far more as an introvert now.

Some labels I have now are girlfriend, friend, boss, manager, rope bunny, submissive, baby girl, bi-sexual, pansexual (maybe), demisexual, sapiosexual, brat, introvert, intelligent, driven, 75% vanilla, loyal, authentic, genuine. I actually think I might have drifted from labels to adjectives there 😂. 

Labels can be used to hurt, however, which is why I am conflicted. Some people like to label to isolate and separate, to alienate. When I was little I was labeled loner, weird, annoying, ditzy, bubbly, bimbo, bubble headed. This is clearly due to my appearance, beautiful, blonde, female. 

 I have been routinely underestimsted due to my appearance and my gender, especially in my career, in every job I've had after I had my own company. I finally found a place that recognizes how valuable I am, and they have given me a promotion from IT Engineer III to IT manager. I still have all the projects and engineering duties though, or I would hate it. 😂

I've historically shied away from leadership roles, but I think I'm ready. I really want to be a good, inspiring leader. I want to inspire and motivate. I want to appear confident and instill confidence. I'm very passionate and I'm in love with my job. I'd love to help others love their job too. The road ahead is a challenge, to inspire the complacent abd motivate the unmotivated. It's my next chapter.

MBTI, fluidity of personality

This year has changed me so much. I have become far more selective with the people I am around. I become drained by new people and too many people s lot more. I was curious and took the MBTI test. I tested INFJ. It actually fits who I have become now, way more than a carefree ENFP. I used to fit ENFP very well. I suppose it’s natural to be shaped by your experiences like erosion wears on stones.

Love, dating, being demisexual, yolo

I fell really hard for my sexy, sweet poly boyfriend. He moved last week for the military and I got to spend the last 2 weeks with him. His husband came back to Hawaii for legal paperwork, and I spent all weekend with them, and he held me the whole time. His husband is awesome, we went out with his husband's family and them to lunch and a movie on the last day I saw him, and he held me the whole time. 

It was the most beautiful experience. 


I've never met anyone like him. I learned all about polyamory, a little about kink and BDSM, and gender fluidity, understanding, and tolerance. I miss him so much, but he doesn't want me to be alone. So I'm dating. I got a corset (it's something he wants me to try as his submissive) and got so beautiful yesterday. I figured I shouldn't just stay in, so I went in tinder, and now I have 15 people to go out with in the next few weeks. It's a lot for someone with social anxiety, technically an extrovert, but probably the most introverted of extroverts. 

I'd give it all up in a second to spend time with him. I didn't think I could feel this way again after Matt hurt me. I am so in love with my boyfriend though. 😍 He wants me to be happy, truly. This is what I've learned about polyamory, and it makes me think that monogamy is the unnatural thing. 

I am bisexual, possibly pansexual, definitely demisexual, poly curious. I've never had a girlfriend, and when I care about someone it's with all I have. I think my boyfriend is perfect. All his unique qualities, all his imperfections, abd perfectly perfect to me. 😍 I really wish I could be with him, but now I have a chance to meet other people and make new connections until I see him again. 
 
I don't know what the future holds but I want him in it. It makes me question leaving the country, but that's very important to me. I know with my current salary, I don't think I could save to move to a new country. I am receiving some of my mom's life insurance boolicy, technically with that 10k, I could leave the country right now, instead of getting a new car. I'd have enough starting money to begin a new life in a new country. But my heart is here, my heart is with him.

Adventures in Polyamory

My introduction into polyamory was wonderful, beautiful, and enamoring. 

Met this wonderful, amazing man. On our 2nd date, he took me to a cat cafe to have tea and play with kittens. 😊 

He said he was polyamorous. I didn't know exactly what that meant. 

I've only ever done monogamy. My loyalty has never been questionable. In my marriage, I was miserable. My husband would never do exactly what I liked in bed, that was fine. But he stopped really touching me after a few years, and my love language is physical touch. I had asked for an open marriage, he said no. Basically, it felt like he wouldn't give me what I wanted, and I wasn't allowed to get it anywhere else. And he ended up cheating on me for almost a year, abd cancelling the car insurance I paid in full on a $35000 Subaru outback, leaving me funding out I was driving for a month without insurance during hail season. (What bothered me the most was the dishonesty and lack of integrity or consideration.)

I stayed so long for our kids and because I genuinely loved him. I've never had a problem with loyalty. I stayed far too long, only leaving after suffering with living with his selfish, manipulative ex wife did over a year. 

I've always valued connection over all else, and my heart is so big. Romance mat come and go, but what stays for me is connection; which is why I get hurt if someone I care about cut off a connection when we broke up; even more so when I was ghosted by a best friend. 

This weekend was beautiful. My boyfriend's husband came to Hawaii; he needed to take care of some legal paperwork. My boyfriend invited me to spend the weekend with them. I wasn't sure what to expect, I felt like I would have been intruding. Instead, we hung out all weekend, and he held me and cuddled me the whole time. Today we went out with his husband's family, him and his husband, abd he held me in front of all of them. It was an amazing feeling, true ethical non monogamy... He opened my eyes to something beautiful. 

I am grateful my introduction to ethical non monogamy was such a good one, as I have heard stories of guys who cheat who say they are polyamorous. I gave learned (and always felt) that relationships if any kind are based on trust. If someone cheats, lies, or hides a relationship, it is a break of trust, and a disservice to all involved. It is very unfortunate that in my experience, the blame of this situation gets put on the "other woman", etc, instead of the cheater. 

This was not the case. I have only ever experienced monogamy, and I am fully capable of it, however, having experienced this way of connection, it feels like a much better fit for me. 

😍

To someone incredibly special to my heart

To you (you know who you are),

 
You are the only person I've ever met who was as cuddly as I am. You treat me so well, so respectfully and kindly. With so much thought and empathy, with the dominance I crave. 

Always checking in, so many kisses and hugs. You held me as much as I've ever wanted to be held. Your heart is so big, as big as mine is. Never an ounce of judgment, only sweetness and understanding. 

You have shown me things about myself; things I resonate with and things I enjoy. I never realize polyamory would fit me so well. 

You have spoiled me, set the bar so high. Yours will be a very tough act to follow. 

For all these reasons and thousands more, I love you so much. I will miss you with all my heart. 
❤️😍❤️

Missing old friends

Today is one of those days I am thinking about Matt again. I think about him every day in some way or another. I have grown so much because of both what he has taught me, and the entire experience. 

In this way, I cannot label it good or bad. I know if it didn't happen, I would have been happier and it would have been easier. 

At the same time, complacency and happiness does not inspire growth; adversity does. 

I am proud of myself for choosing the path of growth instead of letting it break me. I have grown more in the last year than my whole life in total, in many ways. This is a testament to my strength and resiliency. 

So today when I r remember him, there's no sadness or unpleasantness, only gratitude and kind thoughts.

Gratitude

The president of my company found out my car died, and he offered me to use the company van and pay for repairs. Very grateful for things that happen. Trying to let go of the sadness, being grateful and laughing at everything (gebuinely funny things and adversity), really helps.

Reflections

Sometimes it takes sitting with yourself all day long, being silent, leaving on DND all day long, to find grounding and centering. I did that yesterday, while working hard to clean up my mom's house. 

I like to out on some binaural beats mix of mellow music to help my mood, and breathe consciously while in this state. (The breathing slowly is something I do while running, slow, deep breaths.) I worked out a lot, and made a lot of progress of my mom's house. Sometimes I listen to poetry, there's this artist on Spotify, https://open.spotify.com/playlist/33CmWYkQtVZIjvO2fsKJz9?si=wEL_6bxHQ_GQIts_7pDQrA. Or I listen to sync mind, binaural beats music, with Sandhguru, he's very very wise. https://open.spotify.com/show/4d5AAqgYKDefgN6rTlfHaT?si=ZzzmDTFuR9CWfEPHozV3yQ

 Tried once again to consciously break ties with loved ones I have lost, people I care about that I need to move on from. I visualized a cord being cut abd swept it away. But the connection is still there. Might need to sharpen my scissors. It's so hard for me to lose people I love. And yet nothing in life is permanent so I must learn this. 


I was going to see someone I care about today, but they needed time to themselves, and this is important too. So I guess I'm just gonna chill today, might go to the gym. Would love to go to the North shore, but I'm using my company's van, and I'm not going to take advantage of their trust. 

Have a peaceful day. Love, light, and happiness to everyone.


$$$ Hawaii!!! $$$

(note- this was in my drafts and I wrote it before I met Nick)

Lots of feelings on this subject. It is my home, where I grew up, and it has been exploited by people who don’t live here, buying a lot of the houses and driving the cost of living up for everyone.

It cost $10,000 to move back home. I did have my expectations set, and wanted to spend time with my sister and niece, now I can’t. I did not know that electricity would be $500!!!! Colorado, I paid 50$ for all utilities. My sister’s house, 5 bedroom mansion in Makakilo; pays 100$ for her electricity.

Need to ask for a raise, marry a military guy, or move to the mainland to afford the cost of living.

On the subject of military spousehood. I liked it. They paid for housing and utilities, health insurance. It helped me save so much money in the first place. If i could find the right person, it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibilities. It is very beneficial to be a beneficiary.

Power of Positivity, Gratitude, overthinking

Power of positive thinking

My car is dead. 
I used to focus on the negative more, 
I'm grateful I am grateful, 
It's positive that I can see the positive in things. 

My transportation is gone.

So I can wake up later because there's no driving to work, 
I have time to get the oven, washer, and other things fixed, 
I have time to clean, 
No traffic, 
Can work out at home, no travel time, 
Can work on improving written communication at work, 
Less reliance on my charisma abd magnetism with in person charm.
I get to work from home. 


Not going to think:
My dad called yesterday to say he wanted to get it repaired or buy me a new car,
Talked to my 'sister' abd changed his mind, 
I have inclinations on that. 🤔

That I can't go out and explore nature without a car.

Working from home uses more electricity. 
The house I am living in has a severe electrical problem. The first months electricity was $400!!!

That if I didn't leave Colorado, I'd still have my beautiful, RELIABLE Subaru Outback touring, That cost me 3000 to sell. 

My sister had turned on me, after I shipped all my stuff, resigned my job, abd bought tickets. 



That I had no trust in the car. But the law of attraction.... What if my thoughts on how much I didn't trust the car caused it to break. 😅🤣

That all the heartbreak, hurt and trust, has led me to how amazing I've become, abd led me to wonderful things like meeting Nick. Possibly being friends with Sebastian? 🤣 Beautiful souls like Toni, Steve, Keri. Thus job where I can make a huge difference. Back home where I can enjoy the beach, when I can get there. 

Etc. 


On overthinking:

Has had profound benefits of self reflection, progress, inspiration, and healing. 

Side effects of occasional sleep loss and stress, 

Today, luckily, sleep loss isn't an issue- due to working from home. 

Must work on this for when I have to get uo at 4:30 am 



On trust: 

Hmm this one is still being worked on. I was focused on getting hurt. A very wonderful friend reminded me their is more than one form of trust. He said that he trusts people who look out for themselves. 
😅 I asked him if that meant he didn't trust me, because I haven't quite gotten there yet.

He called me in a panic, apologizing, saying he didn't want to lose our friendship. 
I did mean it entirely in a reflection, self improvement way, 
So cute though, so sweet. I forgot why I liked him so much. 
One of my favorite memories of Colorado was meeting Zach and the awesome adventures. 

I believe the panic that ensues from fear if this one aspect if trust where I'm shaky on is unhealthy, 

I gave trusted too easily before and have been advised to not do that, 
So it feels like going from 100 to a 2-10 depending on the day. 

But these are my own perspective, that keeps evolving. 

I wonder what is a healthy level of trust? Because either way I've gotten hurt or possibly hurt others. This year has changed a lot. Quest continues...


10.24.21

Hurt I was,
Scarred, scared, but determined I am,
Strong and a powerful force for good I will be. 

I believe I have the power to make change in the world
I already make profound changes in people's lives, and isn't that wonderful?
I owe it to the world to be my best. 
I owe it to myself. 
Laughing helps.
I feel unsure and stuck, forgetting how far I've come. 

Until I see how very much I've changed, how much progress I've made. 

Good night 
On time:
How can one be present in the moment when time is relative, made up by humans, and is based on the cyclical rotation if the sun? 

If they mean not to overthink, then I have failed 😅

On the topic of LOVE

What does love mean to me? It doesn't seem to match society, it others I know. My version of Love varies widely.

I love almost everyone, in various degrees and different ways. If we haven't met my love for you is wishes of only the best, happiness, success, and health. If we have connected, you will always be in my heart.

Those are the more mild versions of ways in which I love. Then there are those who I love very deeply, my friends, certainly, deep connections I've had along the way, and romantic love, Never forgotten and always in my heart. I don't know how to stop loving someone. 

To love me, means forgiveness of any mistakes, as I am determined to become better and be better for the world. I am very sorry for anyone I've hurt. If I am made aware of it, I will do better. The past does not define me, because I've changed so much this year alone, it's astonishing. 

Love to me means to not be ghosted, or blocked. To accept me as I am and what I'll become. To value our connection and to not throw it away. Be sure I won't throw it away. 

To not be judged, and to be gifted patience, as if you tell me something is bothering you, I will do better. I realize this is not love to most, but this is love to me. And on that note, I love you. 😁🤣😍

Cuddles

My love language is physical touch. When I’m with someone with the same, it’s amazing. Just cuddling on the couch right now I feel so peaceful and happy. ♥️

New connections

It’s easy aspie for me to connect to almost anyone, but hard as a brick for them to connect to me. I have a natural talent for it and gave become really good at it, to the point it’s automatic. Especially if someone needs support or healing.

But my first date with someone new I was lucky enough to find a very kind hearted person that I’ve been spending time with. He’s only here for slightly more than a month but he feels very safe, and that is the type of person that I need right now, during the initial healing process.

Trying to connect to a person I adore, who just moved back, but simply said one thing and did not follow through was maddening. Especially since he’s going through so much, he could use a friend like me, but he just is stuck in loneliness, unwilling to accept support.

Hmm, seeing it in this perspective, yeah I was there about 2 months ago. When my mom died, and I was lost. Crying every day, lonely but people were reaching out. I was at the point where I was just too scared to trust anyone, or even try, because Matt had caused my worst fear of my life become realized.

People were reaching out to me but it felt overwhelming and I felt paralyzed to respond. I hope it’s not the same for this long time friend, but I can’t assume so because that’s only guessing or projecting. Lately though, he’s just sent random, infrequent sad pictures or short messages, like he’s hurting it lonely. And then when I respond he’s hiding. At least in my perception.

I wonder if anyone who was trying to support me back then felt that way? Reflections ….

Stress

Work, personal life, sand finances have been quite stressful the last week. I am in no way being compensated enough for the tasks I’m facing at work, so I just have to figure out how to ask for a raise on my review. I’ve never done that before.

Our company’s CFO had their email breached. Multiple locations throughout the world had her email set up in their Outlook desktop app, mobile app, and access through web browsers. The free license

Gratitude

Some lost soul did something senseless, with malice, and gained nothing but a police target on her back.

And I observe everything with pure gratitude. This is my home. This is aloha. The security at Best buy in pearl city stayed an extra hour to help me find the tape of the girl who stole them. They were so kind, and even gave me a water and spoke to the police for me. The police were very very kind as well. They have her full name, address, SSN and all contact info because she was being watched for credit card fraud. Though I know the police likely won’t do anything, I’m still grateful for their kindness. And an outpouring if love from people I care about. So much support. O a wonderful new friend came immediately in her beautiful car and stayed with me for the tow truck it us 2 am and I am just home.

My wonderful boss allowed me to work from home tomorrow. I get to work on this amazing computer that my good friend built and customized for me for my birthday. I’m in awe of the support and so very grateful for everyone, fir the people who care, for aloha, and for some much kindness.

10.7.21 😁

Had a fantastic day. I did go to sleep at 12:15 am this morning and insomnia woke me up at 2:45 am, but I was able to gently set some pretty important boundaries and feel awesome. 😁

I had a long meeting with the president if the company and I have power. Mwahaha j/k. I can delegate project tasks to the sales staff. I swear I will be a benevolent leader to my minions 🤣