insecurity – Inspiration

Wrapping up

Nick had gone from understanding and supportive to cold, dismissive, and disloyal. He had gone from wanting me to move in and wanting me to be a life partner for months to throwing everything away in a week.

The part that kills me is he knew everything that had happened with me. He knew about how much ghosting and dismissive behavior hurts me, and he knew all about my attachment anxiety and fear of abandonment. I confided in him.fir everything.

And in the end, that is the path he chose to go.

It hurts me to my very fire that he would do this, but he is human. And it shows who he really is. There is not really any going back from using your worst fears someone confided in you, PROMISING not to ghost, and then doing it.

Goodbye Nick, that was pretty fucked up. I definitely have come out of this badly burned, and there was no reason it had to be so. My trust has taken major hits.

Alex says he doesn’t trust anyone. I am pretty sure he does trust me though. For protection of my heart, maybe I don’t trust anyone (other than people who have earned it over a long time)…. I don’t want to be plagued with panic attacks about trusting either. I had panic attacks about trusting Nick when I first met him, and he knows all about that as well. Hopefully I get to the point where I don’t trust and don’t want to do it’s all chill. 😉

Adventures in polyamory results in: No thanks

My little experiment in polyamory started promisingly. The problem, I had a relationship with one person. When there was a misunderstanding, it becomes everyone’s business. It is very cliquy like high school and I hated it then, so much more so now.

There was this guy who I dated once when Nick moved. He was very very onto me. I offered him a proposal to fool around when I got back to Hawaii. He was very eager. Lady night, he had a headache. 🙄 it’s not a tactic I use but it’s a classic nail out. I told him that he seemed hesitant so the offer was rescinded. Because he’s in the damn clique.

I hate cliques, I really do. Whether they are mean girls, or apparently even anime nerds, cliques function to exclude others. I was always left out. And if I was in the clique, I would leave to hang out with people who are more interesting. Not who the group thinks is awesome, but who is actually awesome. I’ve always been wary of group think.

I still believe I have some tendencies for poly. I can absolutely love more than one person. I love many. I didn’t think I got jealous, but apparently I kind of do when that person decides that it’s you they don’t want. 😂 Nick didn’t want to have sex with me, but left the house to drop me off at the airport with lube, rope, sex toys, visiting friends in Dan Diego. I am sensing an alternate motive other than he’s not interested in sex.

I am deciding whether or not to sever the way back treats me, while calling it friendship. I have many lists, to organize my thoughts. I have cut contact off until Friday.

I’ve really made my decision, inspired and approved by Alex, I’m making it into a new goal. ❤️ To immediately remove myself from any situation that isn’t treating me right. No ties 😂 (Personally anyway, professionally the timing is more strategic) ❤️. Nick has been making me feel awful and I deserve better. He’s like a damn high school mean girl, and I always hated mean girls. I might be judging too harshly, but I am the one being judged by the mean girls without hearing my side. That’s what mean girls do. 😂 damn I hated that about high school.

Cliques are definitely a trigger for me. I was actually processing my past traumas over voice recording yesterday, and one of the big ones was when I was the outcast/outsider in catholic school. Everyone was so mean to me, because I was sweet and the smartest in the class and way too scared to stand up for myself. It didn’t matter I was already a black belt. I was a social doormat. In the wild, the weakest link gets attacked.

Good riddance to high school and anyone in a multiple person relationship unless they are an adult who makes their own damn decisions. Sorry, I’m really not sorry. I’m on a relationship with one person, it’s only with them. Please don’t ask me to talk to your husband because you have been talking behind my back. That is a problem you have created. Capishe?

The End of the Road

My friendships mean the world to me. I am deeply loyal, generous, and I would do anything for my friends. Last year/this year I have lost many friendships, starting with Matt. The friendships that followed were by my choice in not putting up with being treated badly, lied to, manipulated, flaked on, or used. A couple were actually really good friendships, like my friend Steve, but it hurt so bad when he stopped talking to me right before my mom died, 2 days after Matt ghosted me. That wound is still very deep, but I will always love him.

Yesterday, Sebastian stood me up, after I set a clear boundary that it would be his last chance. No call, no show. 6 year special connection and deep friendship, ended due to his lack of respect for my time and my feelings. I’m so hurt, I bought a bunch of plants and today I’m going to plant a garden. 🙂

I have had the hardest time trusting people. It started after Matt ghosted. It was the most vulnerable I ever was, and he promised he would never abandon me. He knew very well of my childhood abandonment fears, it was my worst fear, next to my mom dying, and that all came true at once.

I was at the point I couldn’t get out of bed, because I was so devastated, when I started talking to my old friend Sebastian. I told him what has happened, and he decided he wanted to help heal me. I realized I was terrified to trust anyone now, which was the first time in my life that had happened. So I was radically vulnerable with him. He helped me through that, and for that time, he was the only person I trusted.

He was moving back to hawaii with the Navy in a few weeks, and really wanted to see me. We made plans, fell through, no big deal. Not when its here or there, but when its a pattern, the impact increases. The last 6 times he stood me up, there was no notification, no phone call. But he would talk to me the day after. (As I write this, I realize that was already way over the line and I should have not have let it get that far.)

The time before this, he was supposed to meet me after work, he had confirmed in the morning. Then I call, no response, I left a message. That was the last time I heard from him until a week later, I called from a blocked number. He answered, and when he heard my voice, he hung up. I had been ghosted. A month and a half goes by, I get a Google chats of him saying he was so fucking sorry. That his mental illness caused him to treat me like that. I told him that I have so much compassion for his BPD, and he knew that. But mental illness is not an excuse for acting like an asshole. I debated whether to give him another chance for a few days, and I came to the conclusion the friendship was important enough for one more chance.

Oops, he did it again. I knew it was coming from my jaded intuition, but it still broke my heart. No call, no notification, no show. I am sticking to my boundary I set, the friendship is over. Another one bites the dust. I can’t allow people in my life to treat me that way. I don’t expect anyone to give me the same kind of loyalty and generosity I give them. I do expect to be treated with respect.

Time for the gardening.

On Boundaries and Teaching Others How to Treat Us

I’ve known Sebastian from before I got married, and had a very special connection with him from the start. There was a lot of electrifying chemistry as well. I am heartbroken to say that it us the end of this very special friendship. I can’t allow myself to be treated like that anymore.

Coming back

Sebastian reached out yesterday to apologize for ghosting me. I was happy, I’ve loved that guy for 6 years now. But I woke up so sad. Why am I so easy to discard when it’s convenient?

They say you teach people how to treat you. What he did was not okay, he broke my heart. After what Matt did, how could he do the same. I want him in my life, I love him. But it us not okay to treat me like that, and I’m not sure how to teach that. 😥

When it rains it pours

Also, I was really looking forward to making Christmas dinner for a very special friend. I took off work 2 days abd had been planning and preparing for 3 weeks.

My oven burnt the daylights out of cookies I put in for 5 mins at 200 degrees, so Christmas dinner is a no go. I put the turkey in the freezer abd it’s getting prepared on the third.

It’s hard to be strong right now.

Defeated

I feel done here. Deflated. Defeated.

I don't have ties. People I've known for years have let me down, ghosted (Sebastian)...... He made plans to meet me and I never heard from him again. I've known him 6 years. I always had his back. People are flaky. I have few actual friends. My heart is going to be living in California and wants me to live with him.

The company I work for offered me a company car. I didn't get it yet. The owners son got into an accident so he is driving it. The company van I was driving was rear ended on the freeway. I wasn't hurt. I was very concerned about the driver's of the other car.

Turns my company customize the policy to not offer any roadside assistance. The insurance company they use does not have dispatch open on the weekends. They wanted me to pay for the tow and pay for the Uber. I'm really fed up with this company, I'm working from home and looking for a new job. I was assigned for projects last week as project manager, but they're not paying for training of course, I am. I'm taking a Google project management certificate, and then they assigned me four projects. To make it really fun, the sole resource engineer I have showed up drunk to work again. He's very unreliable and doesn't get much done. I like a challenge but this is ridiculous. Not only that but I can't finish the big project that I've been working on for this whole time and I was supposed to have a huge planned opening and presentation and it's not happening now. I almost completely built this ticketing system and rmm system, it was a huge deal. And now I can't finish it cuz I have to do this other stuff that is so late. Not only are my first big projects going to fail because they're already late, I can't rely on the people that are working for me.

I really need to get back to the habit of turning around the negative into the positive and pumping myself up. I just feel defeated because I'm stuck at home once again, I have no car once again. I found a new car before the president offered me a company car and so I didn't get it. It was sweet, 37000 miles.

Part of me thinks that getting a car is is a bad idea because it ties me to Hawaii, and Nick is in California. Nick would like me to come stay with him, and possibly live with him. He's amazingly sweet, he has a huge heart, I miss him like crazy.

There has been so much loss in Hawaii, so much heartbreak. I just feel done.

On friday, I had a dream that Matt and I were friends. I woke up and saw a text from him. I couldn't move for an hour, emotionally paralyzed. I felt sick all day, and it was like the pain of losing my mom all over again, due to the timing that he did that. I have achieved anger at him, because I have. I'm still broken due to the recklessness with my feelings.

Funny thing about Alex, I was right about him and wrong about him. When we were together and he was in New york, I pushed him away because I thought it would hurt me again. I always thought he wasn't relationship material. Turns out that was right. He is a really good friend though, I don't know if I can do it. I've gotten really good at cutting out people lately, hopefully it doesn't cut down too much. I've blocked three people in the last week said known for years. I used to be that I would never cut anyone out, I'm changing a lot, not all of it is good. A lot is good though. At work I've been described as a force, as overbearing, and as aggressive. I've never been described this way, it's almost funny. Work has made me into someone that I'm not really because it is ridiculous the way that is been run, they're running it into the ground. Allowing engineers to show up drunk for a year, allowing people to sleep on the job, fucking over people that are highly productive. No wonder why they're losing $250,000 a year on the IT department. I updated my resume and sent it out, I need to get more aggressive with that. I might just try to California I'm not sure yet.

Manipulation Games

I got lied to, I got played.
By my COMPANY, when I least expected it.
The first time I ever asked for a raise
My mom taught me to work hard to earn,
And I worjed my ass off.
AND I made a huge difference already.

It was scary but I asked for a raise, having two conversations, with confidence abd positivity

They seemed to go so well,
I felt valued, which made me shine abd more determined.
The CEO agreed to give me a car abd a raise.
I was blindsided when he not only offered less than my job offer, as he said he forgot that my current salary was a reduced probationary salary,
But he got offe def when I asked for a raise again.
He put me on the defensive, had me apologizing for saying I deserved it because I made a huge impact.

This was clear manipulation, when I go over the replay in my head.

Here are my take aways.
I am not cut out to be manager.
In order to turn things around, I must elevate my team before they will elevate their work.
No one sustains forced productivity.
Inspired productivity is infectious.

If I can't advocate for myself, I can't effectively advocate for my team.
They need a strong leader who not only has their back, as I do,
But plays the silly manipulation games that I don't know how to.
That I don't respect.
And I don't want to engage in.

How can a leader, a human,
Be both honest, authentic, abd demonstrate integrity,
And make promises they don't deliver, and break their word?
(They can't)
Undervalued, overworked
I feel like a used server he got at a clearance rate

Not only that, but in my one-on-ones with my team, they asked me to fight for them
For training, for fair pay
I don't stand a chance here,
He made a liar out of me and I can't lead that way.

I am genuine, honest, straight-forward, and non-manipulative
Although the world has crushed me fir this,
I actually admire this of myself
I don't respect manipulation and hands abd don't wish to engage in them

The older I get, the more like high school life becomes.
I was bullied on Friday, steamrolled by my leader.
What did he hope would come of that?

How so very silly that I got my heart broken by another company.

Reassessing my progress

Being “dominant” is a limited resource for me. I am very good at my job. So much so, that on my 90 day review I was promoted to manager. St first, I was like no! I don’t want to give up tech to do boring stuff. But I still get to do tech work, engineering, projects; but they want me to turn the ship around, lead the team.

Admittedly I’ve done so much research during the Thanksgiving break. I basically have studied leadership fir 7/10 of the wake time since Wednesday afternoon 😅.

Leadership is a skill I don’t consciously have. I am great at inspiring others but never by intention. Now I have to turn around negative perspectives and a bare minimum viewpoint into something inspiring.

Adventures in Polyamory

My introduction into polyamory was wonderful, beautiful, and enamoring.

Met this wonderful, amazing man. On our 2nd date, he took me to a cat cafe to have tea and play with kittens. 😊

He said he was polyamorous. I didn't know exactly what that meant.

I've only ever done monogamy. My loyalty has never been questionable. In my marriage, I was miserable. My husband would never do exactly what I liked in bed, that was fine. But he stopped really touching me after a few years, and my love language is physical touch. I had asked for an open marriage, he said no. Basically, it felt like he wouldn't give me what I wanted, and I wasn't allowed to get it anywhere else. And he ended up cheating on me for almost a year, abd cancelling the car insurance I paid in full on a $35000 Subaru outback, leaving me funding out I was driving for a month without insurance during hail season. (What bothered me the most was the dishonesty and lack of integrity or consideration.)

I stayed so long for our kids and because I genuinely loved him. I've never had a problem with loyalty. I stayed far too long, only leaving after suffering with living with his selfish, manipulative ex wife did over a year.

I've always valued connection over all else, and my heart is so big. Romance mat come and go, but what stays for me is connection; which is why I get hurt if someone I care about cut off a connection when we broke up; even more so when I was ghosted by a best friend.

This weekend was beautiful. My boyfriend's husband came to Hawaii; he needed to take care of some legal paperwork. My boyfriend invited me to spend the weekend with them. I wasn't sure what to expect, I felt like I would have been intruding. Instead, we hung out all weekend, and he held me and cuddled me the whole time. Today we went out with his husband's family, him and his husband, abd he held me in front of all of them. It was an amazing feeling, true ethical non monogamy... He opened my eyes to something beautiful.

I am grateful my introduction to ethical non monogamy was such a good one, as I have heard stories of guys who cheat who say they are polyamorous. I gave learned (and always felt) that relationships if any kind are based on trust. If someone cheats, lies, or hides a relationship, it is a break of trust, and a disservice to all involved. It is very unfortunate that in my experience, the blame of this situation gets put on the "other woman", etc, instead of the cheater.

This was not the case. I have only ever experienced monogamy, and I am fully capable of it, however, having experienced this way of connection, it feels like a much better fit for me.

😍

On confidence, Society’s Vanity, and inadequacy

Whenever I have been loved, it has been based on my physical appearance. This is widely true, most of society judges people based on looks and not their character or their heart.

I Seem to fit Society's standards of beauty, so while this bugs me, it is what it is.

Yesterday my boyfriend told me I wasn't his type physically. Ouch. I'm too tall, etc.

It doesn't matter to me that thousands of people I don't know tell me how beautiful I am if someone I love doesn't think I am.

These thoughts make be feel shallow, but I'm just feeling insecure.

Instead of getting ready and working out before lunch, I spent that time crying. Changed out of my workout clothes to regular unflattering work clothes and I'm writing this instead of going for my run.

About 2 years after I got married, my ex husband stopped calling me beautiful so I stopped believing I was.

And Matt... This person who broke me, whom I love so much.... He was really in to me until the day I got back. There were a lot of factors at play, logically probably nothing to do with my physical beauty. He picked me up from the airport, I was a mess. Southwest delays were over 7 hours, and I felt gross. The next day he stopped talking to me.

These are the things I am thinking about this morning.

I'm not feeling confident today. Nick would look down at me when he was holding me and tell me how beautiful I was. Now it feels like it was fake. 😕

Reflections

Sometimes it takes sitting with yourself all day long, being silent, leaving on DND all day long, to find grounding and centering. I did that yesterday, while working hard to clean up my mom's house.

I like to out on some binaural beats mix of mellow music to help my mood, and breathe consciously while in this state. (The breathing slowly is something I do while running, slow, deep breaths.) I worked out a lot, and made a lot of progress of my mom's house. Sometimes I listen to poetry, there's this artist on Spotify, https://open.spotify.com/playlist/33CmWYkQtVZIjvO2fsKJz9?si=wEL_6bxHQ_GQIts_7pDQrA. Or I listen to sync mind, binaural beats music, with Sandhguru, he's very very wise. https://open.spotify.com/show/4d5AAqgYKDefgN6rTlfHaT?si=ZzzmDTFuR9CWfEPHozV3yQ

Tried once again to consciously break ties with loved ones I have lost, people I care about that I need to move on from. I visualized a cord being cut abd swept it away. But the connection is still there. Might need to sharpen my scissors. It's so hard for me to lose people I love. And yet nothing in life is permanent so I must learn this.

I was going to see someone I care about today, but they needed time to themselves, and this is important too. So I guess I'm just gonna chill today, might go to the gym. Would love to go to the North shore, but I'm using my company's van, and I'm not going to take advantage of their trust.

Have a peaceful day. Love, light, and happiness to everyone.

Power of Positivity, Gratitude, overthinking

Power of positive thinking

My car is dead.
I used to focus on the negative more,
I'm grateful I am grateful,
It's positive that I can see the positive in things.

My transportation is gone.

So I can wake up later because there's no driving to work,
I have time to get the oven, washer, and other things fixed,
I have time to clean,
No traffic,
Can work out at home, no travel time,
Can work on improving written communication at work,
Less reliance on my charisma abd magnetism with in person charm.
I get to work from home.

Not going to think:
My dad called yesterday to say he wanted to get it repaired or buy me a new car,
Talked to my 'sister' abd changed his mind,
I have inclinations on that. 🤔

That I can't go out and explore nature without a car.

Working from home uses more electricity.
The house I am living in has a severe electrical problem. The first months electricity was $400!!!

That if I didn't leave Colorado, I'd still have my beautiful, RELIABLE Subaru Outback touring, That cost me 3000 to sell.

My sister had turned on me, after I shipped all my stuff, resigned my job, abd bought tickets.

That I had no trust in the car. But the law of attraction.... What if my thoughts on how much I didn't trust the car caused it to break. 😅🤣

That all the heartbreak, hurt and trust, has led me to how amazing I've become, abd led me to wonderful things like meeting Nick. Possibly being friends with Sebastian? 🤣 Beautiful souls like Toni, Steve, Keri. Thus job where I can make a huge difference. Back home where I can enjoy the beach, when I can get there.

Etc.

On overthinking:

Has had profound benefits of self reflection, progress, inspiration, and healing.

Side effects of occasional sleep loss and stress,

Today, luckily, sleep loss isn't an issue- due to working from home.

Must work on this for when I have to get uo at 4:30 am

On trust:

Hmm this one is still being worked on. I was focused on getting hurt. A very wonderful friend reminded me their is more than one form of trust. He said that he trusts people who look out for themselves.
😅 I asked him if that meant he didn't trust me, because I haven't quite gotten there yet.

He called me in a panic, apologizing, saying he didn't want to lose our friendship.
I did mean it entirely in a reflection, self improvement way,
So cute though, so sweet. I forgot why I liked him so much.
One of my favorite memories of Colorado was meeting Zach and the awesome adventures.

I believe the panic that ensues from fear if this one aspect if trust where I'm shaky on is unhealthy,

I gave trusted too easily before and have been advised to not do that,
So it feels like going from 100 to a 2-10 depending on the day.

But these are my own perspective, that keeps evolving.

I wonder what is a healthy level of trust? Because either way I've gotten hurt or possibly hurt others. This year has changed a lot. Quest continues...

10.24.21

Hurt I was,
Scarred, scared, but determined I am,
Strong and a powerful force for good I will be. 

I believe I have the power to make change in the world
I already make profound changes in people's lives, and isn't that wonderful?
I owe it to the world to be my best. 
I owe it to myself. 
Laughing helps.

I feel unsure and stuck, forgetting how far I've come. 

Until I see how very much I've changed, how much progress I've made. 

Good night

On time:
How can one be present in the moment when time is relative, made up by humans, and is based on the cyclical rotation if the sun?

If they mean not to overthink, then I have failed 😅

New people!

It felt a little like falling out of a plane the first time I tried to trust someone I knew for a long time after Matt ghosted. Im at my friend’s house, he’s awesome. But all of a sudden 3 people are coming over and I’ve been having a ridiculous panic attack and I’d rather be skydiving. 🤣

10.6.21 sanity check

I realized that the fallout from Matt had me untrusting everyone. People I’ve known for years. I just so happened to start talking to someone I’ve Loved for a long time, my old friend Sebastian. I met him when will you before I met my ex-husband. I mean him and I got along really well, the chemistry is amazing, and I always love him, he is a wonderful person. at that point in time I was a huge low, I was crying my eyes out, I couldn’t really get out of bed. My mom had just died, Matt had just abandoned me, and I wasn’t able to function. Sebastian had gotten married a few years ago, around the time that I married David. We haven’t talked since then. I just was lonely, and I saw that he had written me a few years ago and I missed it on hangouts. So I checked in with him I asked how he was, if he was happy in what was going on. first he said he was totally fine, then he admitted that he was miserable in his marriage. He went on to describe a verbally abusive and narcissistic relationship, that I recognize extremely well, because I went through it, and I’ve studied it for years. I just started asking him questions, trying to get him to see outside of what he was in. Questions like, are you happy, what do you want out of relationship, do you wanna be treated like that, do you think anyone deserves to be treated like that, that kind of thing. It’s a technique I’ve developed instead if advice, especially in an abusive relationship, as the victim often us made to feel crazy, and question their judgment. I’ve lived this.

Anyway I reminded him how amazing he is, sent him some articles about what he’s going through, let him know he wasn’t alone, I’ve been there, abd I’ll be there for him.

He wanted to talk to me about what I’ve been through and I told him pretty much everything, especially about Matt which what I was agonizing over. I was all alone, my mom just died, and there was no one there for me to talk to you. I mean people were reaching out, but I am having a really hard time trusting anyone due to losing trust from the aftermath of what happened with Matt. I told him everything, he said he wanted to be there for me, which scared me because that’s also what Matt said.

I told him that I loved him and I was there for him, because I do, not just as a friend, like I love everyone else, but he’s like the one that got away, to me. We almost got together, but just stayed friends. He was very special to me so I really really liked him and I loved him as a friend.

10.6.21

I’m hurt and scared and feeling reset to 0. I was scared to trust, decided to trust, and now I don’t know if it was safe. I can’t concentrate, I have a lot to do at work, and I’m a mess. Alone, again, always.