hurt – Inspiration

It’s been awhile…

It’s been awhile since I wrote anything. Mostly, I’ve been happy. Alex has become my best friend. I worked at Bishop museum for 2 weeks to cover for their tech while he was on vacation, and Alex brought me lunch three times in a week; he is so sweet. We’ve gotten really close. I love him so much.

He took me flying drones and we spent all day together and he’s just really an awesome friend. We went to Chinaman’s Hat and ended up at Turtle Bay for sunset. He gives really good advice and he really cares.

I’ve been REALLY into gardening lately. It’s very fulfilling and therapeutic. I have an extremely green thumb, and I love plants.

Very haphazard drip irrigation system for my vegetable garden

Nick hurt me pretty badly, but Alex was there for me and didn’t let me get down or get to into it, I’m pretty much healed from that. Although it hurt really bad in the beginning. Without Alex I don’t think I could have made it through this easily.

The security guard at allied security services (the airport’s security vendor) stole my cell phone and wallet when it was turned into him after I flew back from California.)!/ A female airport employee contacted me on Facebook in response to a post, and said that she had found my cell phone wallet in the bathroom and turned it into the security guard. She identified him, but the attorney general’s office dropped the case. I am suing them in small claims court. It’s really f***** up when someone abuses their position of authority like that.

Now on to the Harmful Effects of Ghosting

When I get ghosted, it damages my trust. Nick damaged my trust so much, he and Alex were the only people I trusted at the time. He had told me that he would never ghost me right before I went to California.

When I trust someone and they ghost me, my mind goes between hurt, irritation (because it’s like wasting my time, and time is the most valuable thing because it’s the one thing you can never get back); and worried about their safety/if they’re hurt or dead.

In december, I thought Carrie was ghosting me, but she had died. It’s not the first time that our friends died of me like that.

I have been waiting for Sebastian all day, I gave up my entire Sunday to spend time with him, and he is a no call, no show, again. I’m hurt and at the same time so worried that he’s hurt, in the hospital or something happened to him.

Every time, save for the last time when I finally saw him when we went fishing, he has stood me up. The last 2 times he’s stood me up, he’s ghosted. Last time it was for months. I thought we had an understanding. I don’t know why I put myself through this.

I think I have a problem; Alex said that my picker was broken. I seem to like the guys who treat me like garbage. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I had thought that Nick was different, but turns out he was the same or worse in the end. More fallout from Nuclear Matt.

I’m so lucky that I have Alex as my friend, he’s my rock. Of course I’m still in love with him, but I love him completely. As a friend and more, and I’m very happy he’s my best friend.

Wrapping up

Nick had gone from understanding and supportive to cold, dismissive, and disloyal. He had gone from wanting me to move in and wanting me to be a life partner for months to throwing everything away in a week.

The part that kills me is he knew everything that had happened with me. He knew about how much ghosting and dismissive behavior hurts me, and he knew all about my attachment anxiety and fear of abandonment. I confided in him.fir everything.

And in the end, that is the path he chose to go.

It hurts me to my very fire that he would do this, but he is human. And it shows who he really is. There is not really any going back from using your worst fears someone confided in you, PROMISING not to ghost, and then doing it.

Goodbye Nick, that was pretty fucked up. I definitely have come out of this badly burned, and there was no reason it had to be so. My trust has taken major hits.

Alex says he doesn’t trust anyone. I am pretty sure he does trust me though. For protection of my heart, maybe I don’t trust anyone (other than people who have earned it over a long time)…. I don’t want to be plagued with panic attacks about trusting either. I had panic attacks about trusting Nick when I first met him, and he knows all about that as well. Hopefully I get to the point where I don’t trust and don’t want to do it’s all chill. 😉

Adventures in polyamory results in: No thanks

My little experiment in polyamory started promisingly. The problem, I had a relationship with one person. When there was a misunderstanding, it becomes everyone’s business. It is very cliquy like high school and I hated it then, so much more so now.

There was this guy who I dated once when Nick moved. He was very very onto me. I offered him a proposal to fool around when I got back to Hawaii. He was very eager. Lady night, he had a headache. 🙄 it’s not a tactic I use but it’s a classic nail out. I told him that he seemed hesitant so the offer was rescinded. Because he’s in the damn clique.

I hate cliques, I really do. Whether they are mean girls, or apparently even anime nerds, cliques function to exclude others. I was always left out. And if I was in the clique, I would leave to hang out with people who are more interesting. Not who the group thinks is awesome, but who is actually awesome. I’ve always been wary of group think.

I still believe I have some tendencies for poly. I can absolutely love more than one person. I love many. I didn’t think I got jealous, but apparently I kind of do when that person decides that it’s you they don’t want. 😂 Nick didn’t want to have sex with me, but left the house to drop me off at the airport with lube, rope, sex toys, visiting friends in Dan Diego. I am sensing an alternate motive other than he’s not interested in sex.

I am deciding whether or not to sever the way back treats me, while calling it friendship. I have many lists, to organize my thoughts. I have cut contact off until Friday.

I’ve really made my decision, inspired and approved by Alex, I’m making it into a new goal. ❤️ To immediately remove myself from any situation that isn’t treating me right. No ties 😂 (Personally anyway, professionally the timing is more strategic) ❤️. Nick has been making me feel awful and I deserve better. He’s like a damn high school mean girl, and I always hated mean girls. I might be judging too harshly, but I am the one being judged by the mean girls without hearing my side. That’s what mean girls do. 😂 damn I hated that about high school.

Cliques are definitely a trigger for me. I was actually processing my past traumas over voice recording yesterday, and one of the big ones was when I was the outcast/outsider in catholic school. Everyone was so mean to me, because I was sweet and the smartest in the class and way too scared to stand up for myself. It didn’t matter I was already a black belt. I was a social doormat. In the wild, the weakest link gets attacked.

Good riddance to high school and anyone in a multiple person relationship unless they are an adult who makes their own damn decisions. Sorry, I’m really not sorry. I’m on a relationship with one person, it’s only with them. Please don’t ask me to talk to your husband because you have been talking behind my back. That is a problem you have created. Capishe?

The End of the Road

My friendships mean the world to me. I am deeply loyal, generous, and I would do anything for my friends. Last year/this year I have lost many friendships, starting with Matt. The friendships that followed were by my choice in not putting up with being treated badly, lied to, manipulated, flaked on, or used. A couple were actually really good friendships, like my friend Steve, but it hurt so bad when he stopped talking to me right before my mom died, 2 days after Matt ghosted me. That wound is still very deep, but I will always love him.

Yesterday, Sebastian stood me up, after I set a clear boundary that it would be his last chance. No call, no show. 6 year special connection and deep friendship, ended due to his lack of respect for my time and my feelings. I’m so hurt, I bought a bunch of plants and today I’m going to plant a garden. 🙂

I have had the hardest time trusting people. It started after Matt ghosted. It was the most vulnerable I ever was, and he promised he would never abandon me. He knew very well of my childhood abandonment fears, it was my worst fear, next to my mom dying, and that all came true at once.

I was at the point I couldn’t get out of bed, because I was so devastated, when I started talking to my old friend Sebastian. I told him what has happened, and he decided he wanted to help heal me. I realized I was terrified to trust anyone now, which was the first time in my life that had happened. So I was radically vulnerable with him. He helped me through that, and for that time, he was the only person I trusted.

He was moving back to hawaii with the Navy in a few weeks, and really wanted to see me. We made plans, fell through, no big deal. Not when its here or there, but when its a pattern, the impact increases. The last 6 times he stood me up, there was no notification, no phone call. But he would talk to me the day after. (As I write this, I realize that was already way over the line and I should have not have let it get that far.)

The time before this, he was supposed to meet me after work, he had confirmed in the morning. Then I call, no response, I left a message. That was the last time I heard from him until a week later, I called from a blocked number. He answered, and when he heard my voice, he hung up. I had been ghosted. A month and a half goes by, I get a Google chats of him saying he was so fucking sorry. That his mental illness caused him to treat me like that. I told him that I have so much compassion for his BPD, and he knew that. But mental illness is not an excuse for acting like an asshole. I debated whether to give him another chance for a few days, and I came to the conclusion the friendship was important enough for one more chance.

Oops, he did it again. I knew it was coming from my jaded intuition, but it still broke my heart. No call, no notification, no show. I am sticking to my boundary I set, the friendship is over. Another one bites the dust. I can’t allow people in my life to treat me that way. I don’t expect anyone to give me the same kind of loyalty and generosity I give them. I do expect to be treated with respect.

Time for the gardening.

On Boundaries and Teaching Others How to Treat Us

I’ve known Sebastian from before I got married, and had a very special connection with him from the start. There was a lot of electrifying chemistry as well. I am heartbroken to say that it us the end of this very special friendship. I can’t allow myself to be treated like that anymore.

Coming back

Sebastian reached out yesterday to apologize for ghosting me. I was happy, I’ve loved that guy for 6 years now. But I woke up so sad. Why am I so easy to discard when it’s convenient?

They say you teach people how to treat you. What he did was not okay, he broke my heart. After what Matt did, how could he do the same. I want him in my life, I love him. But it us not okay to treat me like that, and I’m not sure how to teach that. 😥

Regrets

My biggest regret of 2021 was saying yes. Yes to being a relationship at the worst time in my life, ruining anything I could have when I was at my best. Truthfully, I wasn’t a terrible girlfriend. I don’t think I have that in me, but I did not give him my best.

Horrible experience with Alex the other night. It’s not that he doesn’t want me, he doesn’t want anyone ever. I was talking to him about my feelings, and he reacted so badly when he thought he hurt me. He started spiraling. It was awful to see. I never wanted to make him feel like that, I never wanted to hurt him at all.

It is possible that I’m attracted to Alex because he’s dismissive and I’m anxiously attached. Alex is also done so much for me, he has been my hero throughout this whole experience. He helped me clean out my mom’s hoardy house, set up my desk, build me two computers, working on a third. He gave me monitors and a sound system. He helped me secure my house for the break-in, he picked me up when I got into the accident, he took me to find cars. But that’s not why I love him, it’s his soul, it’s beautiful. There’s this connection that is very strong, it’s hard to let go of. I loved him before all of this.

The dismissive anxious attraction has been the case for most of my relationships, except Nick. I’m going to California in February to be with Nick. My job keeps ignoring my request, so I’m just going to get the ticket. Nick offered to pay for it.

I got to say, I’m pretty devastated about Alex, but it is what it is. Going to California to get over it and move on.

Untitled

Space Traveler from a Beautiful, Green, Lush Planet

I have a very good friend who happens to be my ex boyfriend. We weren’t *really* together, it was only long distance, but I love him very much.

He’s…. Unique in his beliefs and views. Being agnostic, it is an important value of mine to not judge anyone’s beliefs, within reason.

One night I was with him, he scanned my body for energy, told me that people dump all their negative energy on me, and I don’t need that shit. He wasn’t wrong.

He scanned my chakras and said my third eye and sacral we’re very open, but my throat chakra was blocked. He said that means I have trouble communicating. He very much isn’t wrong.

He then told me, oh! I’m a space traveler, and it’s my first time to earth. He says no wonder I have such a hard time here, I’m a noob. (I paraphrase). He said he has been here many times, but I’m new to this planet. My planet is a beautiful, kush, green planet with love and beauty everywhere. For some reason, I totally believe that is possible. It feels right. I am at peace with the beauty of nature, I despise cities and asphalt and love natural wonders, mountains, oceans, plants.

Every time I have a hard time, fir example when I feel my heart is too big for this world, meaning I love deeply and forever, and (at least I used to be) so caring and generous, I know why. I am a space traveler from a beautiful, lush, green planet. I often wish I can go back.

My house was burglarized. They got away with $8000+ of stuff, and scared me to my core. Hawaii had been bad luck for me since I moved back, starting with losing my best friend the 2nd day I was here…. Having to cut off my sister right after my mom died, my job turned to shit overnight, Keri died of a stroke, vehicle broke, work vehicle rear ended, breast lump, cervical cancer might be back, sexually harassed at work, electric bills are $500 for one person, getting my car keys stolen at best buy costing $300 to replace, and getting burglarized. My boyfriend Nick, sexy, sweet, cuddly polyamorous Nick, wants me to come to California to live with him, at least for a little while. I’m so tempted. All the problems will be here. I won’t have to pay rent or utilities. Just my bills. I will get non stop cuddles, and a ton of sweetness. The ghosts on the island will remain here.

I really do want to leave it all behind. I only trust a few people, Nick and Alex…. Of course Nick lives in the California desert so it’s not ideal but it wouldn’t be forever.

Definitely not lush and green like my planet. 😁

Happy New Years and Hope You Had a Wonderful Christmas

As we are about to ring in 2022, I assess how far I've come and how I've changed.

Beautiful Christmas dinner with my friend Alex. He really has turned out to be a wonderful friend. My house got broken into, he's trying to help me secure it. I ended up cooking all day yesterday, and he came and finished up the rest.

We watched a new Matrix, he thought it'd be funny because it's terrible. I just like that spending time with him, but I miss cuddles.

Matt emailed me, the one who shattered my world earlier this year. He said "Merry Christmas sandy, the word I was thinking of was fiduciary." I was like, "say what?" I didn't think he got to me, because at the time I didn't react much. But I woke up thinking about him, I don't know when that will ever stop.

The resolution that I made on January 1st, to work out, I kept. I work out almost every day, I've lost a ton of weight, I'm a size medium now. I was a size 22 before I started. I look pretty damn amazing, and I'm proud of it.

My boyfriend nick, who moved to California, wants me to come live with him. No paying rent or bills, it's very tempting. Especially after the break-in, but moving from into Hawaii is expensive. I would have to leave my stuff here, and with the break-in, it's scary. My house was robbed, my bag was stolen and some electronics. It was so easy, they just took out the jealousies and came in. Alex is trying to help me reinforce the windows. I'm getting an alarm system put in and security cameras. It's actually quite terrifying, to know someone can come in so easily. I was raped last year, and it is scary.

I know it's not thanksgiving, but I am thankful for Alex and Nick. They are almost the only two people I trust in the world. Which brings me to that goal, don't trust so easily, right? Turns out I trust almost no one, which is the other side of unhealthy. But it's just the way the year has gone. My friend Zach from Colorado, told me there's a lot of types of trust. I trust people at work with my stuff, they don't steal. But I wouldn't trust him with the secret. The one I trusted at work, turned out to be a very bad friend, and I'm very bad coworker. He drinks at work, think it's okay, and he's my resource for projects that I manage. I reported to HR and the president, they don't care. They have let this go on for 8 months, him drinking and them sweeping it under the rug. He's unreliable, he doesn't show up half the time, you never know when he's going to just not show up. And they expect me to manage projects with him as my resource.

I'm seriously loyal, and I take too long to leave a situation. I have updated my resume, but I've not sent it out as much as I would if didn't have the job. I loved it so much, and it changed so quickly.

I hope to be going to California in february, at least for a little while. Take a vacation, see Nick, get cuddles.

When it rains it pours

Also, I was really looking forward to making Christmas dinner for a very special friend. I took off work 2 days abd had been planning and preparing for 3 weeks.

My oven burnt the daylights out of cookies I put in for 5 mins at 200 degrees, so Christmas dinner is a no go. I put the turkey in the freezer abd it’s getting prepared on the third.

It’s hard to be strong right now.

Ghosts

Keri, I love you. You were so much like me. I saw your heart. You were hurt by your brother, you were hurt as a child by your evil uncle. Your brother was as much of an abusive person to you as my sister is to me.

You were sweet, you were an empath too, though you didn’t know what that meant. You were in the same type of abusive relationship I was for 8 years. Although it’s not what killed you, you never got to be free.

Last I saw you, you told me that your uncle raped you and your brothers, sisters, and nieces before he died. I saw the hurt little girl inside. I hugged you, listened to you, and gave you one of my journals and a beautiful pen so you could write. Before you left, I gave you a water, told you stay hydrated, hugged you and told you I loved you.

I had known you 22 years, and will miss you. RIP. ❤️❤️❤️

Defeated

I feel done here. Deflated. Defeated.

I don't have ties. People I've known for years have let me down, ghosted (Sebastian)...... He made plans to meet me and I never heard from him again. I've known him 6 years. I always had his back. People are flaky. I have few actual friends. My heart is going to be living in California and wants me to live with him.

The company I work for offered me a company car. I didn't get it yet. The owners son got into an accident so he is driving it. The company van I was driving was rear ended on the freeway. I wasn't hurt. I was very concerned about the driver's of the other car.

Turns my company customize the policy to not offer any roadside assistance. The insurance company they use does not have dispatch open on the weekends. They wanted me to pay for the tow and pay for the Uber. I'm really fed up with this company, I'm working from home and looking for a new job. I was assigned for projects last week as project manager, but they're not paying for training of course, I am. I'm taking a Google project management certificate, and then they assigned me four projects. To make it really fun, the sole resource engineer I have showed up drunk to work again. He's very unreliable and doesn't get much done. I like a challenge but this is ridiculous. Not only that but I can't finish the big project that I've been working on for this whole time and I was supposed to have a huge planned opening and presentation and it's not happening now. I almost completely built this ticketing system and rmm system, it was a huge deal. And now I can't finish it cuz I have to do this other stuff that is so late. Not only are my first big projects going to fail because they're already late, I can't rely on the people that are working for me.

I really need to get back to the habit of turning around the negative into the positive and pumping myself up. I just feel defeated because I'm stuck at home once again, I have no car once again. I found a new car before the president offered me a company car and so I didn't get it. It was sweet, 37000 miles.

Part of me thinks that getting a car is is a bad idea because it ties me to Hawaii, and Nick is in California. Nick would like me to come stay with him, and possibly live with him. He's amazingly sweet, he has a huge heart, I miss him like crazy.

There has been so much loss in Hawaii, so much heartbreak. I just feel done.

On friday, I had a dream that Matt and I were friends. I woke up and saw a text from him. I couldn't move for an hour, emotionally paralyzed. I felt sick all day, and it was like the pain of losing my mom all over again, due to the timing that he did that. I have achieved anger at him, because I have. I'm still broken due to the recklessness with my feelings.

Funny thing about Alex, I was right about him and wrong about him. When we were together and he was in New york, I pushed him away because I thought it would hurt me again. I always thought he wasn't relationship material. Turns out that was right. He is a really good friend though, I don't know if I can do it. I've gotten really good at cutting out people lately, hopefully it doesn't cut down too much. I've blocked three people in the last week said known for years. I used to be that I would never cut anyone out, I'm changing a lot, not all of it is good. A lot is good though. At work I've been described as a force, as overbearing, and as aggressive. I've never been described this way, it's almost funny. Work has made me into someone that I'm not really because it is ridiculous the way that is been run, they're running it into the ground. Allowing engineers to show up drunk for a year, allowing people to sleep on the job, fucking over people that are highly productive. No wonder why they're losing $250,000 a year on the IT department. I updated my resume and sent it out, I need to get more aggressive with that. I might just try to California I'm not sure yet.

Manipulation Games

I got lied to, I got played.
By my COMPANY, when I least expected it.
The first time I ever asked for a raise
My mom taught me to work hard to earn,
And I worjed my ass off.
AND I made a huge difference already.

It was scary but I asked for a raise, having two conversations, with confidence abd positivity

They seemed to go so well,
I felt valued, which made me shine abd more determined.
The CEO agreed to give me a car abd a raise.
I was blindsided when he not only offered less than my job offer, as he said he forgot that my current salary was a reduced probationary salary,
But he got offe def when I asked for a raise again.
He put me on the defensive, had me apologizing for saying I deserved it because I made a huge impact.

This was clear manipulation, when I go over the replay in my head.

Here are my take aways.
I am not cut out to be manager.
In order to turn things around, I must elevate my team before they will elevate their work.
No one sustains forced productivity.
Inspired productivity is infectious.

If I can't advocate for myself, I can't effectively advocate for my team.
They need a strong leader who not only has their back, as I do,
But plays the silly manipulation games that I don't know how to.
That I don't respect.
And I don't want to engage in.

How can a leader, a human,
Be both honest, authentic, abd demonstrate integrity,
And make promises they don't deliver, and break their word?
(They can't)
Undervalued, overworked
I feel like a used server he got at a clearance rate

Not only that, but in my one-on-ones with my team, they asked me to fight for them
For training, for fair pay
I don't stand a chance here,
He made a liar out of me and I can't lead that way.

I am genuine, honest, straight-forward, and non-manipulative
Although the world has crushed me fir this,
I actually admire this of myself
I don't respect manipulation and hands abd don't wish to engage in them

The older I get, the more like high school life becomes.
I was bullied on Friday, steamrolled by my leader.
What did he hope would come of that?

How so very silly that I got my heart broken by another company.

Adventures in Polyamory

My introduction into polyamory was wonderful, beautiful, and enamoring.

Met this wonderful, amazing man. On our 2nd date, he took me to a cat cafe to have tea and play with kittens. 😊

He said he was polyamorous. I didn't know exactly what that meant.

I've only ever done monogamy. My loyalty has never been questionable. In my marriage, I was miserable. My husband would never do exactly what I liked in bed, that was fine. But he stopped really touching me after a few years, and my love language is physical touch. I had asked for an open marriage, he said no. Basically, it felt like he wouldn't give me what I wanted, and I wasn't allowed to get it anywhere else. And he ended up cheating on me for almost a year, abd cancelling the car insurance I paid in full on a $35000 Subaru outback, leaving me funding out I was driving for a month without insurance during hail season. (What bothered me the most was the dishonesty and lack of integrity or consideration.)

I stayed so long for our kids and because I genuinely loved him. I've never had a problem with loyalty. I stayed far too long, only leaving after suffering with living with his selfish, manipulative ex wife did over a year.

I've always valued connection over all else, and my heart is so big. Romance mat come and go, but what stays for me is connection; which is why I get hurt if someone I care about cut off a connection when we broke up; even more so when I was ghosted by a best friend.

This weekend was beautiful. My boyfriend's husband came to Hawaii; he needed to take care of some legal paperwork. My boyfriend invited me to spend the weekend with them. I wasn't sure what to expect, I felt like I would have been intruding. Instead, we hung out all weekend, and he held me and cuddled me the whole time. Today we went out with his husband's family, him and his husband, abd he held me in front of all of them. It was an amazing feeling, true ethical non monogamy... He opened my eyes to something beautiful.

I am grateful my introduction to ethical non monogamy was such a good one, as I have heard stories of guys who cheat who say they are polyamorous. I gave learned (and always felt) that relationships if any kind are based on trust. If someone cheats, lies, or hides a relationship, it is a break of trust, and a disservice to all involved. It is very unfortunate that in my experience, the blame of this situation gets put on the "other woman", etc, instead of the cheater.

This was not the case. I have only ever experienced monogamy, and I am fully capable of it, however, having experienced this way of connection, it feels like a much better fit for me.

😍

Missing old friends

Today is one of those days I am thinking about Matt again. I think about him every day in some way or another. I have grown so much because of both what he has taught me, and the entire experience.

In this way, I cannot label it good or bad. I know if it didn't happen, I would have been happier and it would have been easier.

At the same time, complacency and happiness does not inspire growth; adversity does.

I am proud of myself for choosing the path of growth instead of letting it break me. I have grown more in the last year than my whole life in total, in many ways. This is a testament to my strength and resiliency.

So today when I r remember him, there's no sadness or unpleasantness, only gratitude and kind thoughts.

Reflections

Sometimes it takes sitting with yourself all day long, being silent, leaving on DND all day long, to find grounding and centering. I did that yesterday, while working hard to clean up my mom's house.

I like to out on some binaural beats mix of mellow music to help my mood, and breathe consciously while in this state. (The breathing slowly is something I do while running, slow, deep breaths.) I worked out a lot, and made a lot of progress of my mom's house. Sometimes I listen to poetry, there's this artist on Spotify, https://open.spotify.com/playlist/33CmWYkQtVZIjvO2fsKJz9?si=wEL_6bxHQ_GQIts_7pDQrA. Or I listen to sync mind, binaural beats music, with Sandhguru, he's very very wise. https://open.spotify.com/show/4d5AAqgYKDefgN6rTlfHaT?si=ZzzmDTFuR9CWfEPHozV3yQ

Tried once again to consciously break ties with loved ones I have lost, people I care about that I need to move on from. I visualized a cord being cut abd swept it away. But the connection is still there. Might need to sharpen my scissors. It's so hard for me to lose people I love. And yet nothing in life is permanent so I must learn this.

I was going to see someone I care about today, but they needed time to themselves, and this is important too. So I guess I'm just gonna chill today, might go to the gym. Would love to go to the North shore, but I'm using my company's van, and I'm not going to take advantage of their trust.

Have a peaceful day. Love, light, and happiness to everyone.

Power of Positivity, Gratitude, overthinking

Power of positive thinking

My car is dead.
I used to focus on the negative more,
I'm grateful I am grateful,
It's positive that I can see the positive in things.

My transportation is gone.

So I can wake up later because there's no driving to work,
I have time to get the oven, washer, and other things fixed,
I have time to clean,
No traffic,
Can work out at home, no travel time,
Can work on improving written communication at work,
Less reliance on my charisma abd magnetism with in person charm.
I get to work from home.

Not going to think:
My dad called yesterday to say he wanted to get it repaired or buy me a new car,
Talked to my 'sister' abd changed his mind,
I have inclinations on that. 🤔

That I can't go out and explore nature without a car.

Working from home uses more electricity.
The house I am living in has a severe electrical problem. The first months electricity was $400!!!

That if I didn't leave Colorado, I'd still have my beautiful, RELIABLE Subaru Outback touring, That cost me 3000 to sell.

My sister had turned on me, after I shipped all my stuff, resigned my job, abd bought tickets.

That I had no trust in the car. But the law of attraction.... What if my thoughts on how much I didn't trust the car caused it to break. 😅🤣

That all the heartbreak, hurt and trust, has led me to how amazing I've become, abd led me to wonderful things like meeting Nick. Possibly being friends with Sebastian? 🤣 Beautiful souls like Toni, Steve, Keri. Thus job where I can make a huge difference. Back home where I can enjoy the beach, when I can get there.

Etc.

On overthinking:

Has had profound benefits of self reflection, progress, inspiration, and healing.

Side effects of occasional sleep loss and stress,

Today, luckily, sleep loss isn't an issue- due to working from home.

Must work on this for when I have to get uo at 4:30 am

On trust:

Hmm this one is still being worked on. I was focused on getting hurt. A very wonderful friend reminded me their is more than one form of trust. He said that he trusts people who look out for themselves.
😅 I asked him if that meant he didn't trust me, because I haven't quite gotten there yet.

He called me in a panic, apologizing, saying he didn't want to lose our friendship.
I did mean it entirely in a reflection, self improvement way,
So cute though, so sweet. I forgot why I liked him so much.
One of my favorite memories of Colorado was meeting Zach and the awesome adventures.

I believe the panic that ensues from fear if this one aspect if trust where I'm shaky on is unhealthy,

I gave trusted too easily before and have been advised to not do that,
So it feels like going from 100 to a 2-10 depending on the day.

But these are my own perspective, that keeps evolving.

I wonder what is a healthy level of trust? Because either way I've gotten hurt or possibly hurt others. This year has changed a lot. Quest continues...

10.24.21

Hurt I was,
Scarred, scared, but determined I am,
Strong and a powerful force for good I will be. 

I believe I have the power to make change in the world
I already make profound changes in people's lives, and isn't that wonderful?
I owe it to the world to be my best. 
I owe it to myself. 
Laughing helps.

I feel unsure and stuck, forgetting how far I've come. 

Until I see how very much I've changed, how much progress I've made. 

Good night

On time:
How can one be present in the moment when time is relative, made up by humans, and is based on the cyclical rotation if the sun?

If they mean not to overthink, then I have failed 😅

New people!

It felt a little like falling out of a plane the first time I tried to trust someone I knew for a long time after Matt ghosted. Im at my friend’s house, he’s awesome. But all of a sudden 3 people are coming over and I’ve been having a ridiculous panic attack and I’d rather be skydiving. 🤣