Category Archives: house

It’s been awhile…

It’s been awhile since I wrote anything. Mostly, I’ve been happy. Alex has become my best friend. I worked at Bishop museum for 2 weeks to cover for their tech while he was on vacation, and Alex brought me lunch three times in a week; he is so sweet. We’ve gotten really close. I love him so much.

He took me flying drones and we spent all day together and he’s just really an awesome friend. We went to Chinaman’s Hat and ended up at Turtle Bay for sunset. He gives really good advice and he really cares.

I’ve been REALLY into gardening lately. It’s very fulfilling and therapeutic. I have an extremely green thumb, and I love plants.

Very haphazard drip irrigation system for my vegetable garden

Nick hurt me pretty badly, but Alex was there for me and didn’t let me get down or get to into it, I’m pretty much healed from that. Although it hurt really bad in the beginning. Without Alex I don’t think I could have made it through this easily.

The security guard at allied security services (the airport’s security vendor) stole my cell phone and wallet when it was turned into him after I flew back from California.)!/ A female airport employee contacted me on Facebook in response to a post, and said that she had found my cell phone wallet in the bathroom and turned it into the security guard. She identified him, but the attorney general’s office dropped the case. I am suing them in small claims court. It’s really f***** up when someone abuses their position of authority like that.

Now on to the Harmful Effects of Ghosting

When I get ghosted, it damages my trust. Nick damaged my trust so much, he and Alex were the only people I trusted at the time. He had told me that he would never ghost me right before I went to California.

When I trust someone and they ghost me, my mind goes between hurt, irritation (because it’s like wasting my time, and time is the most valuable thing because it’s the one thing you can never get back); and worried about their safety/if they’re hurt or dead.

In december, I thought Carrie was ghosting me, but she had died. It’s not the first time that our friends died of me like that.

I have been waiting for Sebastian all day, I gave up my entire Sunday to spend time with him, and he is a no call, no show, again. I’m hurt and at the same time so worried that he’s hurt, in the hospital or something happened to him.

Every time, save for the last time when I finally saw him when we went fishing, he has stood me up. The last 2 times he’s stood me up, he’s ghosted. Last time it was for months. I thought we had an understanding. I don’t know why I put myself through this.

I think I have a problem; Alex said that my picker was broken. I seem to like the guys who treat me like garbage. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I had thought that Nick was different, but turns out he was the same or worse in the end. More fallout from Nuclear Matt.

I’m so lucky that I have Alex as my friend, he’s my rock. Of course I’m still in love with him, but I love him completely. As a friend and more, and I’m very happy he’s my best friend.

Happy New Years and Hope You Had a Wonderful Christmas

As we are about to ring in 2022, I assess how far I've come and how I've changed. 

Beautiful Christmas dinner with my friend Alex. He really has turned out to be a wonderful friend. My house got broken into, he's trying to help me secure it. I ended up cooking all day yesterday, and he came and finished up the rest.

We watched a new Matrix, he thought it'd be funny because it's terrible. I just like that spending time with him, but I miss cuddles.

Matt emailed me, the one who shattered my world earlier this year. He said "Merry Christmas sandy, the word I was thinking of was fiduciary." I was like, "say  what?" I didn't think he got to me, because at the time I didn't react much. But I woke up thinking about him, I don't know when that will ever stop. 

The resolution that I made on January 1st, to work out, I kept. I work out almost every day, I've lost a ton of weight, I'm a size medium now. I was a size 22 before I started. I look pretty damn amazing, and I'm proud of it.

My boyfriend nick, who moved to California, wants me to come live with him. No paying rent or bills, it's very tempting. Especially after the break-in, but moving from into Hawaii is expensive. I would have to leave my stuff here, and with the break-in, it's scary. My house was robbed, my bag was stolen and some electronics. It was so easy, they just took out the jealousies and came in. Alex is trying to help me reinforce the windows. I'm getting an alarm system put in and security cameras. It's actually quite terrifying, to know someone can come in so easily. I was raped last year, and it is scary.

I know it's not thanksgiving, but I am thankful for Alex and Nick. They are almost the only two people I trust in the world. Which brings me to that goal, don't trust so easily, right? Turns out I trust almost no one, which is the other side of unhealthy. But it's just the way the year has gone. My friend Zach from Colorado, told me there's a lot of types of trust. I trust people at work with my stuff, they don't steal. But I wouldn't trust him with the secret. The one I trusted at work, turned out to be a very bad friend, and I'm very bad coworker. He drinks at work, think it's okay, and he's my resource for projects that I manage. I reported to HR and the president, they don't care. They have let this go on for 8 months, him drinking and them sweeping it under the rug. He's unreliable, he doesn't show up half the time, you never know when he's going to just not show up. And they expect me to manage projects with him as my resource.

I'm seriously loyal, and I take too long to leave a situation. I have updated my resume, but I've not sent it out as much as I would if didn't have the job. I loved it so much, and it changed so quickly. 

I hope to be going to California in february, at least for a little while. Take a vacation, see Nick, get cuddles.

Ghosts

Keri, I love you. You were so much like me. I saw your heart. You were hurt by your brother, you were hurt as a child by your evil uncle. Your brother was as much of an abusive person to you as my sister is to me.

You were sweet, you were an empath too, though you didn’t know what that meant. You were in the same type of abusive relationship I was for 8 years. Although it’s not what killed you, you never got to be free.

Last I saw you, you told me that your uncle raped you and your brothers, sisters, and nieces before he died. I saw the hurt little girl inside. I hugged you, listened to you, and gave you one of my journals and a beautiful pen so you could write. Before you left, I gave you a water, told you stay hydrated, hugged you and told you I loved you.

I had known you 22 years, and will miss you. RIP. ❤️❤️❤️

Reflections

Sometimes it takes sitting with yourself all day long, being silent, leaving on DND all day long, to find grounding and centering. I did that yesterday, while working hard to clean up my mom's house. 

I like to out on some binaural beats mix of mellow music to help my mood, and breathe consciously while in this state. (The breathing slowly is something I do while running, slow, deep breaths.) I worked out a lot, and made a lot of progress of my mom's house. Sometimes I listen to poetry, there's this artist on Spotify, https://open.spotify.com/playlist/33CmWYkQtVZIjvO2fsKJz9?si=wEL_6bxHQ_GQIts_7pDQrA. Or I listen to sync mind, binaural beats music, with Sandhguru, he's very very wise. https://open.spotify.com/show/4d5AAqgYKDefgN6rTlfHaT?si=ZzzmDTFuR9CWfEPHozV3yQ

 Tried once again to consciously break ties with loved ones I have lost, people I care about that I need to move on from. I visualized a cord being cut abd swept it away. But the connection is still there. Might need to sharpen my scissors. It's so hard for me to lose people I love. And yet nothing in life is permanent so I must learn this. 


I was going to see someone I care about today, but they needed time to themselves, and this is important too. So I guess I'm just gonna chill today, might go to the gym. Would love to go to the North shore, but I'm using my company's van, and I'm not going to take advantage of their trust. 

Have a peaceful day. Love, light, and happiness to everyone.