(My reasons why I believe that dominance is so thrilling for me will be listed last, as it is dark, and I don’t want to paint this message with a dark palette.)
I Never Cared for Vanilla Ice Cream
Vanilla ice cream was always the most boring of flavors to me, I didn't understand why it was amongst the most popular.
I was introduced to the awareness of BDSM earlier this year, in Colorado by a friend I met. I didn't experience it first hand until later the year in Hawaii. I already knew I was submissive, I love to relinquish control. When it's in a context with a high level of trust, it's beautiful and extremely sexy. My quiz results from bdsm.org us 100% submissive. Also scored 100% brat, rope bunny, high on experimentalism, and 76% vanilla.
Sex is not the goal for me, sex facilitates it though. It is enjoyable for me with a connection, the deeper the connection, the better it is. Kink is a secondary factor. It's fun, but it's not the driving factor.
My my extremely limited experience in this area, I immediately appreciated the higher focus on trust, consent, thoughtfulness, safety, and mutual satisfaction. I would like to say that this was my first experience and it was beautiful, but that wasn't the case, as I will explain later. It was, however, my first proper experience that is in line with the current bdsm standards, and this was beautiful, intriguing, and empowering.
For years I thought that rope art was so beautiful. I didn't know it was tied into BDSM. Being tied up is extremely sexy, being constrained abd under someone's control which whom I trust is exciting and highly erotic.
All this being said, sex in general, including kink, is secondary or even tertiary to the connection, the relationship. Without that, without a foundation if respect abd friendship, that can't be good.
The back story
It's really hard to remember who I was before I met Mark. I was 24, naive, innocent.
I didn't know what a narcissist was at that time. I didn't know u was an empath. I have learned later that empaths are prey to narcissists.
It started with him breaking his sunk when I showed up late. He would break objects in front of me. Quickly graduated to physical abuse, aggression, verbal, psychological, emotional, and every other type if abuse imaginable. I'd say he was an unhealthy aloha male with the ego to match, but the insecurity of an unhealthy sub. His insecurity drove his violence. If I was walking down the street with him abd I happened to look in the direction of another male, I would be punished for days. Punishments include the silent treatment, treating me like crap, verbal and emotional torture. I grew accustomed to watching the ground when I walked, and I never saw where I was going.
One day he was very mad at me. I came over and he grabbed me and had sex with me, but it was really rough, and it was a huge turn on. It was by far the best time with him. The other times, sex was the highlight of the relationship, it was very vanilla, but never rough like that. The rest of the relationship was rough, and completely out if my control.
BDSM submission gives the sub control in a healthy, consensual way.
Abuse, true violence still is hugely triggering to me. Narcissists are persona non grata to me. I asked s psychologist about any possible treatment for them, abd he told me that there was almost no chance of them getting help. Like this is due to the attitude that there's nothing wrong with them, it's the rest of the world that's wrong. They don't need help, they are perfect and can do no wrong. Mark spoke of being smarter than all the doctors and therapists. There was no need for improvement.
Inspiration 