My little experiment in polyamory started promisingly. The problem, I had a relationship with one person. When there was a misunderstanding, it becomes everyone’s business. It is very cliquy like high school and I hated it then, so much more so now.
There was this guy who I dated once when Nick moved. He was very very onto me. I offered him a proposal to fool around when I got back to Hawaii. He was very eager. Lady night, he had a headache. 🙄 it’s not a tactic I use but it’s a classic nail out. I told him that he seemed hesitant so the offer was rescinded. Because he’s in the damn clique.
I hate cliques, I really do. Whether they are mean girls, or apparently even anime nerds, cliques function to exclude others. I was always left out. And if I was in the clique, I would leave to hang out with people who are more interesting. Not who the group thinks is awesome, but who is actually awesome. I’ve always been wary of group think.
I still believe I have some tendencies for poly. I can absolutely love more than one person. I love many. I didn’t think I got jealous, but apparently I kind of do when that person decides that it’s you they don’t want. 😂 Nick didn’t want to have sex with me, but left the house to drop me off at the airport with lube, rope, sex toys, visiting friends in Dan Diego. I am sensing an alternate motive other than he’s not interested in sex.
I am deciding whether or not to sever the way back treats me, while calling it friendship. I have many lists, to organize my thoughts. I have cut contact off until Friday.
I’ve really made my decision, inspired and approved by Alex, I’m making it into a new goal. ❤️ To immediately remove myself from any situation that isn’t treating me right. No ties 😂 (Personally anyway, professionally the timing is more strategic) ❤️. Nick has been making me feel awful and I deserve better. He’s like a damn high school mean girl, and I always hated mean girls. I might be judging too harshly, but I am the one being judged by the mean girls without hearing my side. That’s what mean girls do. 😂 damn I hated that about high school.
Cliques are definitely a trigger for me. I was actually processing my past traumas over voice recording yesterday, and one of the big ones was when I was the outcast/outsider in catholic school. Everyone was so mean to me, because I was sweet and the smartest in the class and way too scared to stand up for myself. It didn’t matter I was already a black belt. I was a social doormat. In the wild, the weakest link gets attacked.
Good riddance to high school and anyone in a multiple person relationship unless they are an adult who makes their own damn decisions. Sorry, I’m really not sorry. I’m on a relationship with one person, it’s only with them. Please don’t ask me to talk to your husband because you have been talking behind my back. That is a problem you have created. Capishe?
Inspiration 