Passions

Alex came over today to help me replace the security door before I go to California. We got to talking. He said on the surface I am amazing because I know so much, but what am I really passionate about?

This entry is to try to process that.

I'm passionate about plants and nature. The ocean. 

I'm passionate about my career, maybe not this particular job anymore, but I love IT. I love it because I have a natural talent for troubleshooting, problem solving, and I like to use that to help people and make a difference. 

I'm passionate about really connecting with someone else, it's the best feeling in the world. I haven't connected with anyone, save for Nick and Alex, since Matt. Nothing has been the same after he ghosted me. I have lost trust and faith in almost everyone and have no interest in meeting anyone else. I'm still so changed by what happened. People used to connect to me very easily, it was almost like they would get a high off my energy/personality st first. They would get so excited if I spent a lot of time with them and become infatuated often. I don't have any interest in letting that happen now. I don't want to get hurt again. If I don't connect, they can't hurt me, can't let me down. 

Nick is the exception because it's different than the other guys I've dated. He's sweet. He's not dismissive avoidant, thankfully. He's understanding, empathetic. It wasn't a meet and instant connect, very strong start that fizzles out. With Nick, it was a slow start. And possibly that will lead to longevity. He's being deployed soon, but I take comfort at the very least it's not a place where rockets are constantly being fired at him, like David. 

I'm passionate about working out, running, abd especially yoga. 

I'm passionate about always learning, evolving, and becoming a better me. I look back on my 22 years long IT career abd I have come such a very long way, professionally and personally. 



And I will just admit it right here. I still miss natt. That never stopped. I miss his voice, miss his Outlook/perspective, miss his elegant poetry abd creative mind. I don't think I'll ever stop missing him unless I get my memory erased or a lobotomy. I didn't know him a very very long time but he was one of the most important people I've ever met.  At the very least, when I'm missing him lately, it usually doesn't hurt anymore, that's small progress. I wish it into existence that he would be my friend again,that he might miss me as well. But I can't hold out hope for that; all hope has diminished on this. 


I'm passionate about finally getting to travel the world and eventually leaving the United States for somewhere more aligned to me. Just gotta find out where.