My friendships mean the world to me. I am deeply loyal, generous, and I would do anything for my friends. Last year/this year I have lost many friendships, starting with Matt. The friendships that followed were by my choice in not putting up with being treated badly, lied to, manipulated, flaked on, or used. A couple were actually really good friendships, like my friend Steve, but it hurt so bad when he stopped talking to me right before my mom died, 2 days after Matt ghosted me. That wound is still very deep, but I will always love him.
Yesterday, Sebastian stood me up, after I set a clear boundary that it would be his last chance. No call, no show. 6 year special connection and deep friendship, ended due to his lack of respect for my time and my feelings. I’m so hurt, I bought a bunch of plants and today I’m going to plant a garden. 🙂
I have had the hardest time trusting people. It started after Matt ghosted. It was the most vulnerable I ever was, and he promised he would never abandon me. He knew very well of my childhood abandonment fears, it was my worst fear, next to my mom dying, and that all came true at once.
I was at the point I couldn’t get out of bed, because I was so devastated, when I started talking to my old friend Sebastian. I told him what has happened, and he decided he wanted to help heal me. I realized I was terrified to trust anyone now, which was the first time in my life that had happened. So I was radically vulnerable with him. He helped me through that, and for that time, he was the only person I trusted.
He was moving back to hawaii with the Navy in a few weeks, and really wanted to see me. We made plans, fell through, no big deal. Not when its here or there, but when its a pattern, the impact increases. The last 6 times he stood me up, there was no notification, no phone call. But he would talk to me the day after. (As I write this, I realize that was already way over the line and I should have not have let it get that far.)
The time before this, he was supposed to meet me after work, he had confirmed in the morning. Then I call, no response, I left a message. That was the last time I heard from him until a week later, I called from a blocked number. He answered, and when he heard my voice, he hung up. I had been ghosted. A month and a half goes by, I get a Google chats of him saying he was so fucking sorry. That his mental illness caused him to treat me like that. I told him that I have so much compassion for his BPD, and he knew that. But mental illness is not an excuse for acting like an asshole. I debated whether to give him another chance for a few days, and I came to the conclusion the friendship was important enough for one more chance.
Oops, he did it again. I knew it was coming from my jaded intuition, but it still broke my heart. No call, no notification, no show. I am sticking to my boundary I set, the friendship is over. Another one bites the dust. I can’t allow people in my life to treat me that way. I don’t expect anyone to give me the same kind of loyalty and generosity I give them. I do expect to be treated with respect.
Time for the gardening.
Inspiration 