I have come to a realization. Hawaii is a magical place for me …. only when I have connections here. Real, deep, loving connections. Without that, it is nothing.
All my life in Hawaii, my mom had been here, so there was that. She passed, Matt left, and I was lost. There was Keri and I loved that girl, but she’s gone too.
Alex wasn’t here, he was in New York during the beginning, so that wasn’t anything. Then he got back and stopped talking to me for months. I met Nick, and it was amazing. But Nick left too.
I’m tired, exhausted from trying to meet new people. Alex is a good friend, but he mentioned the other day he doesn’t want to be connected to anyone. This is scary to me, as he is all I have here. It’s not enough, not even close.
I had the most amazing day yesterday. I went for a run almost all the way to Sandy Beach and back on the scenic route, then hiked the Hanauma Bay trail when I got up. I noticed my new sneakers are almost worn out from so much running.
I bought a rug and the lady delivered. She is a professional organizer who helps people for charity. She offered to help me organize my place for free. She helped me organize the living room. She offered to list and sell my mom’s stuff I was having trouble with. It was incredible. Then I went on a spiritual journey. I was feeling so good, so peaceful, and I was going to fall asleep early, at 8 pm to catch up on the severe sleep deprivation that has happened since the break-in. Except, I thought I heard glass breaking. Panic ensued. I went out to check, and the alarm went off because I had checked the setting for the motion sensor to trip when I am home. Sirens blaring. I haven’t been able to stop being distressed since. I eventually fell asleep at 2, woke up at 5. Went to my bed, slept from 5-6:30.
I have no real connection here, so Hawaii is empty for me. Nick is in California but in the desert. I am not a desert person. But I think connection trumps natural beauty, at least for now. I’m going to California to stay with him for a month in February and we will see where that takes me.
Inspiration 