Regrets

My biggest regret of 2021 was saying yes. Yes to being a relationship at the worst time in my life, ruining anything I could have when I was at my best. Truthfully, I wasn’t a terrible girlfriend. I don’t think I have that in me, but I did not give him my best.

Horrible experience with Alex the other night. It’s not that he doesn’t want me, he doesn’t want anyone ever. I was talking to him about my feelings, and he reacted so badly when he thought he hurt me. He started spiraling. It was awful to see. I never wanted to make him feel like that, I never wanted to hurt him at all.

It is possible that I’m attracted to Alex because he’s dismissive and I’m anxiously attached. Alex is also done so much for me, he has been my hero throughout this whole experience. He helped me clean out my mom’s hoardy house, set up my desk, build me two computers, working on a third. He gave me monitors and a sound system. He helped me secure my house for the break-in, he picked me up when I got into the accident, he took me to find cars. But that’s not why I love him, it’s his soul, it’s beautiful. There’s this connection that is very strong, it’s hard to let go of. I loved him before all of this.

The dismissive anxious attraction has been the case for most of my relationships, except Nick. I’m going to California in February to be with Nick. My job keeps ignoring my request, so I’m just going to get the ticket. Nick offered to pay for it.

I got to say, I’m pretty devastated about Alex, but it is what it is. Going to California to get over it and move on.