Kryptonite

I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck emotionally. I couldn’t even get out of bed for 45 mins, barely drug myself to work. First morning I missed working out before work.

I had a dream about Matt. We were friends, we were close. Then I woke up. Saw a message sent months ago he had replied to. Yay, he’s alive. But he didn’t send it to me, it was an anonymous email address. I was just ghosted by a long term friend the other day, and it hurt me, but I didn’t cry. I did this morning. I am nauseous and devastated.

See, because of the timing and circumstances, Matt is inextricably linked to my mom’s death. This morning the grief is unbearable. Sure, society says that no one owes anyone anything, and people have no obligation to take care of each other…. That’s why I feel like I’m not made for this world. I’m not like that. I feel deeply and care even deeper. My heart is broken and it’s the confusing feeling of abandonment, grief, sadness, loss, everything that I sent through when he ghosted me, after he promised he’d never do that, right before my mom died. It’s that feeling all over again.

I’m not sure I still love him but I’m still deeply hurt. He’s become kryptonite.