Anger??!!!

I’ve never felt anger like this before. It’s a workday and I’ve been angry cleaning the house and there is no sleep in sight.

It’s everything all in one. My “sister”, SAMANTHAA DICK, her verbal abuse, (name-calling, belittling, judging, silent treatment, spreading gossip and shit talk) for 22 years; my ex bitch roommate, BARB MATTINGLEY-GAUL, who bullied me, threatened violence, when I told her my mom was dying, she said get the fuck over it and grow up… And now she’s extorting me for money, about $200, to send my mom’s locket back that I accidentally left there. If I wasn’t a victim of an abusive narcissist for 8 years, MARK TEACHER, who verbally, emotionally, physically, and psychologically abused/tortured me for 8 years, I could have kicked her ass wgensge drug me out of bed, came after me, and threatened me. Instead I froze.

I’m angry at America. My bank account got hacked and drained, 2 weeks after I thought it had gotten hacked (first time was a false alarm), and I called the bank and asked what kinds of security protection can I add to my checking? They said nothing, other than freezing my debit card. It’s their job to know how vulnerable Banks current state of security is for bank accounts. right now, a hacker, can just have your routing number and checking account number, and can drain your bank. Debit cards are not protected either. Banks need to at least upgrade to a 6 to 8 digit pin for debits, disallow credit override, and offer some kind of multi factor authentication for large transactions at the very least. Approval, monitoring, multi factor authentication…. Something. Right now, their system for security purposes, is set up for the 1950’s. The ironic part is, if I hacker or criminal steals your credit card number, they automatically refunded immediately, while investigating. However with your real money, in your bank account, which you are required to have for life in America, they do not do that. They put your case in investigation, which can take months if ever to get your money back. Meanwhile, if someone doesn’t have the extra money, they might get affected, not eat, anything bad when you don’t have money. This is one of the things I dislike about America. another thing is that we have the worst healthcare system quality of all first world countries, and the most expensive. All politicians and the government sucks; Biden sucks, Trump sucked, Ige sucks. The way we handled the coronavirus, has gotten so bad, predictably, that we are screwed. (Looking at you extremists/Qanon, Trump, and Biden.

I got coronavirus, from my sister or her boyfriend, a week after I moved here. Hawaii has no protections, for people who are forced to be out of work, due to mandatory quarantine. our tax rate is the highest, but the care for the people is low. I had unpaid bereavement after that, unpaid holidays. Lost so much money in the first month, due to income. lakeside auto, in Colorado Springs, decided to take back their written offer, and lesson for offer for my car on my last day by two grand. I had to lose $2000 more because they knew I didn’t have a choice.

And the hack… While hackers are criminals, they are everywhere. It is the banks job, to step up, and put protection on our bank accounts. We all have to have them to live in America.

I am furious at my ex-husband, David Taggart, and his ex-wife, Sarah Kraemer. My beautiful stepdaughters, who loved me as much as I loved them, might grow up to be so damaged, due to their negligence. I raise those kids by myself for about four years. their dad stayed on the computer, for 16 hours a day, ignoring them. he invited his ex-wife, their biological mother, to live with us. she stayed on her phone the entire time, and I still did every single thing for those children. she has bad energy, bad motives, which I can feel, because of my Empath curse.

I finally decided to move out, because he would not make her leave. in the process of this, I got raped, by a predator, because I was looking for a room.

They both had promised, that I could stay in touch with my girls. yet, when I moved out, he never let me talk to them again. I came across some voicemails, from my daughter Emilyn, saying mommy, I love you, I miss you, where are you. three of them I had not seen in my mailbox.

I didn’t get closure, but more importantly they didn’t get closure. Sarah‘s second ex-husband, who was their stepfather, refused to acknowledge their presence when he and Sara we’re getting divorced. my baby, would say on FaceTime, daddy Dylan why are you want to talk to me, why don’t you love me anymore. Dillon Kraemer, that asshole, would completely ignore her presence. Not long after that, a few months to six months, I moved out, with the intent to come back when Sarah left. However he chose to have Sara stay, and never let me see the girls again. I was severely damage from childhood due to abandonment issues, and they are terrible parents, to doing these this things to my girls. I wrote a letter, asking if I could send them a letter or a recording giving them closure, and they did not allow it.

I was very fragile, the first time I came to Hawaii to say goodbye to my dying mother. I befriended someone I thought was very kind. We talked all the time, every day, he had me trust him, and I believed him. we grew, what I thought was very close, and he acted like a very close friend. (Whom I fell in love with and told him every step of the way exactly the trauma I had, fear of abandonment, how I felt, and we sexted a lot.. He promised he would be there for me, he promised he wouldn’t abandon me, up until the day I was on the flight to Hawaii. He picked me up from the airport, we had sex, and then he ghosted me. He did meet up with me, said he needed space from everyone, said he would be back, and joked it might be two hours. This was the day after I moved back, my sister was still being verbally abusive, and I had no one else, and my mom had less than a month to live. I am still in love with him, and it is interfering with the grief of my mom. he ghosted me in a way that I told him would hurt me the most, because that was the way that my ex-husband chose to torture me. By never responding, completely ignoring. he remains doing that, and I am unable to Move on, because I am so confused. I cannot trust my own intuition, because I did not see this coming. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get past this, my mind keeps returning to it. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out why, my logical brain keeps telling me that he broke every single promise he made, that he does not care, and you need to forget about him. However my heart, will not listen. this makes me very angry at myself. Somehow, this person had broken my ability to trust anyone. I still can’t. now I want to just isolate myself from everyone, it’s breaking my heart.

Well I think that this blog, help me sort my feelings out, so I feel better now. I know that I’m gonna still keep wondering what went wrong, why he lied, why he did this, what did I do to deserve this. On the day my mom died, I was completely alone. I was unable to get out of bed, crying, due to him walking away and abandoning the friendship. I lost that week with my mom, and then two weeks with her from coronavirus. I am glad she’s not suffering anymore, but how could someone be so cruel? I had nothing but compassion for him, which now that I’m calmer, I still have even more. Because he was very broken by the past, he caused me to be broken like him, so I know even more how he feels. This is the irony of being an empath.

In summary, fuck America, fuck ghosts, fuck cowards, fuck liars, fuck abusers. I feel like I might be on the edge of a nervous break down. I broke down crying the other day, and this morning, because mostly my sister my roommate my finances. and I got angry for the first time I can remember, tonight and it is 1 AM and I wake up at 4:30.